Monday, October 07, 2013

Letter Day 6

Kehadapan anak2 mak sayang,

Hari ke-6... Rindu mak terhadap Khayla & Khadeeja semakin kuat, cinta. Malam ni mak masih tak boleh tidur, mak masih terbayang2 wajah kalian. Senyum tawa kalian memberi semangat kepada emak. Bila kalian tiada, mak gelisah.

Khadeeja yg emak rindui,

Malam tadi rindu mak tak tertahan, mak ambil baju Khadeeja yang belum dibasuh. Mak cium, mak pegang erat, peluk dan bayangkan Khadeeja dalam dakapan mak. Sungguh mak rindu Khadeeja!

Mak dapat rasakan Khadeeja hadir dalam mimpi, bau Khadeeja buatkan mak hiba. Mak tak sekuat yang disangka... Malam2 tidur mak masih berteman air mata. 

Ya Allah, kirimkan cintaku kepada anak2ku. Kepada Khayla yang sentiasa menceriakan hidupku, dan kepada Khadeeja yang masih kecil mulus, namun seluruh cintanya milikku.

Sayang emak,

Mak sedih setiap kali mak dengar lagu Hafiz 'Bahagiamu Deritaku'. Air mata mak mengalir bila mak dengar lirik, 'Mengapakah aku jadi lemah, sungguh ku tak sangka, dia membawa jantungku bersamamu...'

Kerana mak tau bagaimana rasanya bila jantung hati dan wajah kesayangan mak dibawa pergi jauh dari emak.

Selamat malam sayang. Mimpi kan emak selalu.

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Sunday, October 06, 2013

Letter Day 5

Dear girls,

I miss you both. When I go somewhere and I saw girls your age, I start to think about you. Have you eaten? Are you ok? Are you happy?

Life feels incomplete without you. I thought I could pretend that my life has been reset to the time before you girls came into my life but no. I can't. Every part of my life, every cells on my body, every thoughts that go through me - have been touched by your presence. How then do I undo all those?

My loveliest daughters,

Right now, what wouldn't I give to take you both in my arms and kiss your cheeks, breathe in your hair and skin, knowing that I am the most blessed person in the world to be given a pair of angels - my very own angels.

Goodnight babies. May Allah help us in going through this struggling period.

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Saturday, October 05, 2013

Letter Day 4

My dear children,

I pray to Allah that you both are in His protection as you and I have always been. It's been a rather laidback day compared to the past few days sweethearts. I've passed my Chapter 1 yesterday, done my CB report and was supposed to present today but my partner took sick leave so no presentation.

At times like this I wish so much that you girls are here. The house is too quiet without you both. I didn't find tv so entertaining, and preferred watching you both during vid-call.

Today Makyeng uploaded a few more photos of the two of you playing a piano at her friend's house. She made a funny caption which, when people look at the photo it seemed to fit the caption. Haha, funny Makyeng.

Then at night Makyeng sent a photo of you standing by yourself, Khadeeja. Aww.. Please darling.. Don't grow up too fast. I still want to savor your babyhood moments. It seems a while ago that I gave birth to you :(

Anyway sayang,

Makyeng told me that you seemed upset today after our vid-call last night. I was pumping while watching you with Makyeng and you saw me doing that and suddenly you remembered that you haven't had the real thing for a few days now. You cried and refused the bottle. I'm so sorry munchkin!

She also said that you kept looking behind her Notes phone because you thought I was hiding behind it. That was certainly sad :( mak didn't mean to make you feel terrible sayang. Be patient ok, I'll be there in a couple of weeks.

Khayla,

I wish we could chat a lot longer just now, if you didn't conquer the phone and became distracted by the games function! Seriously sayang, I miss you and want to see your face and listen to your babbles, hear you call me, 'Mak' or 'Mommy' in that manja tone. Not to play games! I'm sorry I ended the call earlier.

Girls,

Something great happened today. I was looking for business attire for class presentation today, so I tried on my old knee-length blazer and a blouse I bought from Banana Republic which costed me RM200+ 3 or 4 years back and somehow couldn't fit into it again after I gave birth.

Guess what? Now I could fit in those clothes again! I'm so happy! 

Another thing that made me happy today is I managed to pump close to 19oz BM (9oz in the morning, 4oz+ in the afternoon, and 5oz+ at night). That's an increase from the past 2 days, hopefully I will collect enough milk to last you for a while, adik.

Ok sayang, I really have to be off. Counting the days till we meet again. I love you both with all my heart. Sleep tight, dream a little dream of me.

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Thursday, October 03, 2013

Letter Day 3

Dear Khayla & Khadeeja,

What are you both up to today? Makyeng sent a few photos which makes me feel happy, but also missing you terribly and even more. Love is weird that way, darlings.

I miss you both dearly, but I know if you both stay here with me, it will not be for the best of us all. You girls will be neglected, crying and miserable because I have to rush with my deadlines. I will not be able to accomplish anything at all and that will make me feel stressed out. So, I hope you will understand  the reason we sent you to Makyeng's, apples of my eyes. We want only the best for you girls. See, you have ample space to play at Pakyeng's place, and you get to go on shopping trips with Makyeng. Isn't that fun?

Kakak,

I love seeing you wear your new shirts. You look so girly, and seems that you enjoy your outing. Have you been nice with adik? Makyeng told me that you woke up late today, maybe because you slept late last night?

Adik,

Wow, 20oz? Seriously? Mak will try to increase pumping sessions and eat more so you could have more milk when we come visiting in a couple of weeks. But overall, I'm just glad that this separation has not affected your appetite and you seem to be taking it in your stride. You are a survivor - just like mommy!

Well my dears, today I managed to complete my Chapter 1. There are a few amendments to make here and there, to beef up certain parts and all other details but I won't bore you with those details. I feel quite happy to be making some progress, so I hope this happy feeling will mean that I will produce more milk. Yeay!

I think I'll stop here, daughters. I hope you girls are already safely in dreamland, dreaming a little dream of me…

You girls are my everything, everything. I love you both.

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Wednesday, October 02, 2013

Letter Day 2

Assalamualaikum kakak and adik,

I trust that you are happy and settling down fine in Bintulu, my sunshine and moonlight. We have passed day 1 but it has been very hard for me. I hope it was not so difficult for you both, but I'm sure adik still miss mak kan, sayang?

Last night I could not sleep a wink. I looked at your photos and your video and wrote a letter to you. At around 2am, I felt so lonely and the house so quiet without you that I started to cry silently. It was hard, my sweethearts. My tears kept trickling out until my heart felt like bursting and I let out a low sob. Bapak woke up to find mak crying, pining for you girls especially for Khadeeja.

This morning, I woke up and I could not open my eyes for a few minutes because they were so swollen. When I did open them, I searched for adik's pyjama that you wore yesterday and buried my nose into it. It brought little relief, but at least I could imagine Khadeeja's presence even when it only exists in my heart.

My dear daughters,

Tonight after class, I checked Makyeng's Facebook and saw that she has updated some photos of you girls. I see that you are enjoying yourselves already in Bintulu. Khadeeja, I can't believe that you are already riding that tricycle :) Makyeng told me that you finished around 12oz of EBM so far, that's great darling. Keep it up. I am also making sure that I pump as frequent as I could, so that I will bring home more supply for you ok?

Khayla, listen to Makyeng sayang… Take your bath, no arguing and no running away. Like Bapak always says - 'No hiding-hiding!'

I am glad that you both are happy and getting all the love and attention that you girls deserve. Bapak and mak are sorry that we could not be there for you girls at this moment. Take care my cupcakes. Be happy. Be well.

Dream a little dream of mak tonight.

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