Wordy Wednesday - Surat Terbuka untuk Khadeeja Sempena Hari Kanak-kanak Sedunia

Hari Kanak-Kanak Sedunia telah diiktirafkan pada 20 November setiap tahun. Tahun ni, tema Hari Kanak-Kanak Kebangsaan ialah "Hak Kami, Masa Depan Kami".

Hari ni, sekolah Khadeeja buat Hari Kanak-kanak Sedunia dan solidariti bersama kanak-kanak P*lest*n. Salah satu acara yang pihak sekolah mintak ibu bapa buat ialah menulis sepucuk surat kepada anak masing-masing untuk menyampaikan mesej tentang kasih sayang dan harapan.

Ni la surat yang aku karangkan bagi pihak keluarga kami untuk anakanda tercinta, Khadeeja. Surat ni akan dibaca oleh Khadeeja di sekolah di depan kawan-kawan dan pelajar lain pun akan bacakan surat dari ibubapa masing-masing.

Sebenarnya dari anak-anak masih baby aku suka menulis surat untuk dieorang setiap bulan supaya aku tak lupa perkembangan dieorang sewaktu membesar. Aku berhenti tulis surat untuk dieorang bila dah start PJJ sebab dah takde masa menulis bila kena jadi single working mom. 

Kalau nak baca surat-surat yang aku tulis untuk anak-anak, boleh pergi dekat tab di atas bawah Personal Story > Letters to My Children. Ada tak mak-mak macam aku ni yang tulis surat untuk anak-anak jugak? Korang tulis dekat blog atau helaian kertas? Boleh kongsi di komen 😊.

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LETTER TO MY GIRLS: KHAYLA (11 YEARS OLD) AND KHADEEJA (9 YEARS OLD)

To my beautiful princesses,

Last week you both celebrated your birthday. Happy birthday my girls! I pray that you both grow up successful, happy & fulfilled. I pray you both will be the pride of Islam, our family and the nation. I pray that you both will be the reasons both me & your father enter Paradise, with a grateful heart that Allah has given us the opportunity to raise you well.

My beautiful girls

As usual, my letter will be addressed to each of you, starting with my forever baby girl, Khadeeja.

My dearest little Khadeeja,

The pandemic has been a blessing in disguise because over the past 2 years I learned a lot of things about you which made me realise that I am still far from being a good mom.

When school moved from classroom to online, I saw how you struggled with even the most mundane thing - communicating. At first I thought you were being stubborn because I know you don't like learning Chinese. It turned out you were so overwhelmed with fear, that you were not able to utter a single word because you couldn't understand the language.

Occasionally I 'forced' you (by force I mean I clicked 'raise hand' button despite your protests during online class) to speak up in class and I saw how you froze and couldn't utter a single word until your teacher had to guide you. I did it because I naively thought I was helping you to realise there's nothing to be afraid of to speak up. The truth is, I am just escalating your fear.

I brought you to see a psychologist and learnt about selective mutism. The session made me realise what a domineering mom I am and left me feeling awful for ignoring your anxiety. There I was at work, advocating mental health at workplace and listening to staff when they spoke of their mental health, but I failed to do the same to you. I heard you when you begged to change school but I did not listen properly to your fear. I just assumed you will overcome it without realising that I'm making you reject the language harder. When I tried to encourage you to converse in Chinese, you fought back, 'Why do you want me to be good in Chinese? I don't like to speak Chinese!' It took a psychologist to validate your feeling for us to believe you but it shouldn't be that way. I am so sorry, my love.

Sometimes in class, you draw an unhappy face or monsters 

Now that we finally understand what you were going through, we have agreed to take you out of Chinese school and to an English medium school much to your joy. I think the most heartbreaking moment to me was when you came up to me and whispered, 'Thank you Mommy. I hope I can answer teachers' questions in class after this.'

You wish you can find your voice in an environment that doesn't frighten you

Khadeeja my love,

From the day you were born, you have this indescribable determination that I most often mistaken as stubbornness. Did you know when you were days old you cried until your face turned blue because you did not like your pacifiers and wanted the real deal? My most fondest memory of the stubborn you is of your two-year old self trying to push your own tricycle up the steep driveway. The tricycle was as big as your petite body, but with a loud scream and the determination of Hercules, you managed it. You also managed to drag the red rubber pony toy that matched your size up the staircase because you wanted to.

As you grew up, this trait continued. When you wanted something, you set your mind to get it no matter what it takes. There was a time when you wanted to buy a toy but when I asked if you have the money, you decided to sell snacks to us so you can raise enough fund to buy the toy.

In the midst of playing video games, I caught you psyching yourself up, 'Come on Khadeeja, you can do this!' which is both endearing and exasperating as well - why can't you show the same grit and courage when it comes to studying?

Once in a blue moon when you focused in your class 

You are also super funny and you love making us laugh. Telling jokes and making funny faces are your favourite gimmicks to crack us up. You love teasing Bapak, and then running screaming and laughing when he tries to catch you. Who does that remind him of, eh? 😜 (ahem... throwback to the early days of marriage when we used to played chase around the house!)

Always the funny one

My amazing daughter,

You resemble me in more ways than I expected. One thing that I noticed is you are also a Timekeeper (someone who writes for the future self) like me. While I writes in my diary, you write letters to your future self. You remind your future self to not forget about the past, to cherish the memories and that's basically me.

When you wrote a letter to your future

You also take after my love for cooking and baking. You even requested me to make videos of your cooking tutorials. Lately I'm into baking bread and buns, which you love as you get to help me to knead the dough. I hope one day you look back at this memory of us baking bread, bun & cakes and cooking our favourite meals, with love and nostalgia.

Showing off your first bun to Makyeng

Now on to my firstborn daughter, Khayla.

To my pride & joy Khayla,

Once I cannot imagine having a baby. Now, I can't imagine the baby grew up so fast and she's now almost a teenager. You are now in the in-between phase of a little child and an unknown entity that all parents dread. Frankly, I don't know how to deal with that. I have not updated my parenting manual to include raising a teenager. I heard it's going to be a rough journey, but I hope it won't be the case with you.

Already dressed up like a teenager

My sweet little lady,

You used to be a bossy big sister with a loud voice and a happy go lucky manner. You cheered us up with your singing, your bright smile and your sweet nature. As I watch you transform from that cheerful little girl to a young lady, your voice has softened and you are pretty much a more mellow personality. You remain the sweetest girl who always has a positive outlook, who is always careful when choosing your words to express your opinions so as not to hurt the other person.

For example, when I ask whose porridge you love either mine or Makyeng's, you would reply that you love both but you would eat Makyeng's porridge more. This diplomacy of yours shows maturity beyond your age.

Always with a half-smile on your face

My beautiful girl,

There are certain characters of yours that I admire and wish I can be more like you too. For example, you always take things easy. Unlike myself and Khadeeja, you don't get stressed out or ruffled easily. Online class can happen while you lounge on the bed or the sofa. Sometimes when I lecture at you, you smile and agree with me. There was a time when I scolded you for forgetting Khadeeja's name card when fetching her from school and you just smiled and replied apologetically. I wonder what have I done to deserve such a sweet daughter?

Sometimes the sight of you so chilled while attending your online class makes Khadeeja envious

You are also super friendly with others, be it someone you know or total strangers. The strangest habit of yours is waving at strangers and they often wave back with a puzzled expression  (they must be racking their brains trying to recall if they knew you). You greet the security guards and the makcik cleaners cheerfully, and you make friends with other kids as easily.

Making new friends while playing ice skating

You make me proud in so many ways but the one I'm proudest of is how you have become independent in your daily life. Perhaps this is something you learnt when one parent was far away and the other parent was busy working. You learnt to look after yourself and adik during school holidays when I had to work and leave both of you alone at home.

You don't need telling to wash your own beak, do your homework,  iron your school uniform and even make your own breakfast

Khayla my love,

I know entering teenage years can be difficult. The raging hormones can turn your mood upside down. Already you prefer to alienate yourself in the room either listening to music, sketching on my iPad, reading your favourite Cat Warrior novel or just texting your friends - rather than spend time with us. This really hurts Khadeeja because she does not have any friend except you and now you are starting to ignore her requests to play with her. 

You also hate taking photos even family photos so it's always a hard work trying to get you to participate in a family photo.

Bapak has to put his arms around you to stop you from running away during photo session

There are times when you start to get moody over simple things we ask of you like joining us on grocery trips, or taking a shower etc. It's like you want to exist in a world of your own, away from other people - which I get it because I too was there. But family's important, ok? These years with mommy, Bapak & Khadeeja will pass in the blink of an eye, and someday you will miss it. That is why I always insist for you to be in the family moment despite your protests and sulks.

Sulky mood

You normally balk when we ask you to join us for cycling around the neighbourhood but will be back to normal after a while

I am scared to be honest, that I won't know how to raise a teenage girl. People said at this age parents should treat their teenage child like their best friend most of the time while also establishing authority in certain areas. Often times I still treat you like a little girl, giving out instructions and reprimanding you if you don't do it as per my expectations. You seem hesitant now to make your own decisions because I have always dictate everything from what clothes to wear to how to do house chores, and will scold you if you make a different decision than mine. I am sorry Khayla for treating you this way. I promise to allow you to make your own decision, so you will learn to be more independent when it comes to decision-making.

When I allow you to express your fashion sense even though I have to hold my tongue

One thing though, I am grateful is you still love to be cuddled and kissed. I know some kids your age feel it's not cool to hug and cuddle with parents but you are not them. Both of you are still very manja with us, and mommy & Bapak cherish this while it lasts.

You look so grown up despite being just 11 years old

Finally my darling daughters,

Let's talk about the bond between you both. I just want to say how proud and happy I am that you both have gotten very close in recent years compared to when you were smaller. You both are like best friends, always playing Toka Boka game, sketching and playing Sylvanian Families together.

Back when you were smaller, you were always competing with each other. This photo taken by Makyeng is a rare moment indeed

Our love for you both knows no limits. Know that your father & I will always support you both as best as we can. You both have given us so much love and happiness, more than we ever deserved. Thank you, my darlings.

The loves of my life

Yours Until Forever & More,

Mommy

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Letter To My Girls: Khayla (60 Months) & Khadeeja (36 months)

My darling daughters,

Today, both of you celebrate your fifth & third birthday. Happy birthday, sweeties!! No days have passed without laughter since you girls came to our lives. Of course there are days when I wished I could have some peace and quiet. There are also days when all I want to do is to lock myself in the room so I could have some me-time without you two poking your head and asking me what's up. But those days are nothing compared to all the time I enjoy watching you grow up, loving your happy nature as well as childish antics.

As usual, I'm going to write to each of you separately. May one day you two enjoy reading these letters and remember how much I love you till my last breath.

To my Queen Elsa a.k.a. Princess Amber a.k.a. my sweetest firstborn - Khayla,

At four years old, you are quite a chatterbox. You like to observe things and asking 'Why's'. Your love for singing is still apparent - and what a sweet voice you have too. You like the finer things in life like travelling in an aeroplane (Malaysia Airlines, of course) and staying in a hotel (at least 4 stars!). Whenever I told you we are staying in a hotel, you get all excited and will then rush to pack your small toy luggage for the journey LOL!

Watching cartoon programs en-route to KL

Part of the reason you love staying in hotels - food tastes better in fine-dining restaurant?

At this age, your command of English far surpasses mine when I was your age. What's more, you speak English with an accent, courtesy of Disney Jr channel. Nevertheless, you have started picking up Malay language from friends at school, and occasionally you address yourself as 'kamek' (me), which is kinda cute.

Telling dad a story

Like any other 4-years-old girls, you adore Queen Elsa of 'Frozen' and desperately wish to be her in every aspect - you want to dress up like her, speak like her (you can recite all her lines by heart!) and everything you own from your school bag to your stationeries, have pictures of Queen Elsa on them. Every morning, I have to wake you up saying, 'Wake-y2x, Queen Elsa!' because you fancy her so much you want to be her LOL. You are crazy about Hi-5 too, but now you are slowly losing interest in this group. And this month, you start to watch Sofia the First and calling yourself 'Princess Amber'!

Love getting made up - even with face painting

You are still VERY picky about food, and most of the time only eat one type of food - white rice. Or noodle (plain). It is quite normal of course, but I still get very agitated each mealtime. Nothing will ever work out your appetite since you even refuse multivitamins!

Social skills-wise, you seem to be able to mingle with friends but when I ask you if you have any best friends, you can't think of any and end up saying you don't have any friends. We will have to work on that, sayang, because to survive in this world you need to connect with a lot of people. You also still can't get along well with your sister most of the time - refusing to share toys, colouring pencils or food with Khadeeja. BUT. When you guys do get along, I get all warm inside watching you play with dolls together, or just chasing each other screaming with laughter.

Joining in colouring contest

My beautiful princess,

The thing that I love about you is how you are fond of proclaiming your love to your family. Clearly, you love your family A LOT. There was one time when you stay with your Wa, and then you called us to tell us how much you miss us. Your Wa then told us after you hang up, you cried because, in your own word, 'I miss my family.' Only that, most of the time, you don't count Khadeeja as your family. In your mind, family is Bapak, Mommy and yourself. This is another thing we have to work out, sweetie. 

Moving on to my adorable little cupcake, Khadeeja;

Despite your petite size, you are the embodiment of LIFE itself! You are sweet, lovable, huggable, loud, annoying, hard-headed, funny,/"" confident, bad-temper and clever all rolled into one. You never seem to run out of energy - always running, meddling, shouting and going after your sister like a hurricane. You are the opposite of your sister - where your sister is shy, you are bold and you have this devil-may-care attitude that no one can match except your mother. 

I love to eat - omnomnomnom!

At this age, you are extremely independent too - you don't want Mommy to bathe you, no thank you! You can shampoo yourself, brush your own teeth and occasionally put on your own clothes too. You also have your own preferred style - despite your very boy-ish behavior, you refuse to put on anything other than 'princess' gowns - choosing skirts over pants or shorts.

You love food especially fruits (apples, grapes, oranges, watermelon, durians - you name it) but you don't seem to grow that much despite your healthy appetite.

Ice cream, Mom?

You look up to your sister in the love-hate kind of way. She is your role model but she is also your fast enemy. You want to be like her  and you love everything that she loves, yet you have no qualms of picking fights with her as well.

Even though you are close to three, you are still very 'pelat' - you can't pronounce 's' and often say 'sat' as 'cat'. Yet, this is the thing that endears everybody to you.

You have a quirky sense of style at this age

Here rockin' up another shades!

Sweetie-pie,

If your sister likes to proclaim her love to her family, you prefer to show your love physically. You enjoy giving kisses and hugging us, something that your sister is more reluctant to do (she doesn't mind getting kissed but don't really like kissing people). You still want me to hug you until you fall asleep at night, which can be complicated since your sister also wants to sleep in my arm. Then you both will fight and end up one of you will cry (most often than not, your sister). Even though both of you can't seem to sleep without being physically in contact with another person (me or Bapak), somehow in your sleep you can sense if you get too close to each other. Then you two will push and kick at each other even in your sleep LOL!

My chocolate cupcake with cherry on top,

In terms of learning, you are a very fast learner and can catch a concept with no problems whatsoever. My only worry is since you are very stubborn at times, you refuse to let me to show you how to do things correctly (e.g. how to write letters). This is something that we need to talk about, Khadeeja - your stubbornness. Somehow, I know I have to teach you how to listen to others because you could get obstinate and refuse to come when I call you.

Adik is about to get kicked!

My darlings,

Despite everything that goes on between the two of you, sometimes you can be very sweet to each other too. Like picking matching dresses - or playing together. You two have started getting along with each other. For example, tonight I was feeling not well and decided to rest. The two of you rarely interrupted my nap, except for important matters. The rest of the night, you played with each other which is a major relief to me.

Taking photo together

My gentle Queen and princess warrior,

No matter what, no matter when, I will always be by your side especially on your special day. I love you two very, very, very much my darlings. I won't trade you with anyone, not even with Prince George and his adorable baby sister. In my eyes, the two of you are the most beautiful gifts that Allah bestowed on me. Alhamdulillah.

Happy birthday sayangku, Khayla & Khadeeja!

Happy together

Love you with every beat of my heart,
Mommy

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Letter to My Girls: Khayla (48 months) and Khadeeja (24 months)

Dear Daughters,

Three days ago, both of you turned 4 years and 2 years old respectively. Apart from the same birth date, you two are nothing alike at all. It is like living day and night simultaneously. I am constantly amazed that I carried both of you in me and yet, produced two different characters.

One angelic traveler sitting watching outside the window, and one fidgety traveller

My precious angels,

A year ago, I missed the opportunity to pen a letter to you both because at that time I was busy with my dissertation writing. It was a regretful thing because looking back, I couldn't remember the important milestones that you both conquered at that age. This time, I'm determined to finish this letter even though the warm bed is beckoning me. Many years later, I hope you would appreciate this...

[pause: Khadeeja has just woken up and crying looking for Mommy. Sigh].

[Un-pause]

Khadeeja my little warrior,

At this age, you have started to pick up a lot of words. Mostly from your sister because she is your walking, talking and breathing encyclopaedia. Your favourite expression is, 'What are you doing?' You like to imitate sounds, even the GPS giving directions, which cracks me up. You are also highly independent, always asking to clothe or feed yourself.

You love reading books even at this age. Usually, you choose your own book and ask me to read it to you over and over again. However there is one hobby that you like which I guiltily succumb to - watching Youtube. Whenever I need some peace or just want you to stop being fidgety, I will whip out my iPhone and let you watch videos of Play Doh toys. Somehow, both of you are fascinated by these videos.

You always amaze me every day. For example, one day were were at the parking lot when you pointed at a signage pole with black and white stripes. You said, 'Tiger!' I was puzzled, as I searched for any picture or figurine of the animal, but there was none. Suddenly it clicked (sorry, poor Mommy is slow!) and apparently the stripes reminded you of tiger stripes. You also pointed at a plant which grows horizontally in Makyeng's backyard and proclaimed it as 'crocodile', because the bark is rough and thick, maybe like crocodile skin.

My sweetheart,

The thing that amazed me the most is your ability to recite a du'a recently. You recited it heartily although the pronunciations were wrong at certain places. Other times, you demonstrated your understanding of a concept when you are able to come up with your own song using a familiar tune, like 'Mommy finger, Mommy finger' and you switched it to 'Mommy sleeping, mommy sleeping' because I was doing exactly that. Sleeping. I think you will have no problem academically, Insya Allah.

You figured this place as a good place to hang out and chill

Baby girl,

People say that little girls are made of sugar and spice. It may be true because for a tiny person, you are spicy and all spiced up for life. Your sister is intimidated by your fierce nature and your quick hand, always ever ready to hit out at your sister who is almost twice your size.

Posing with Hello Kitty won't disguise the fact that she is one tough cookie

If that is not enough, you like to scream at other kids who annoy you. One day we were having lunch at McDonald's when a young boy refused to let you in at the play area. You stormed back to me, stood behind me and started a shouting match. Incorrigible words were exchanged at high pitched tone, as Mommy and Makyeng looked on in pure astonishment. When did you develop this gungho manner?

'Mommy said I'm gung-ho!'

Looking back, I always knew that you have strong determination and a temper to match. From the moment you bawled your lungs out when the doctor pulled you out of my tummy, to the night you steadfastly refused pacifiers and cried until I gave in and offered you the real deal. In a way, you are like me. We don't like to give up, and would persevere even though it makes us miserable. Just like those times you were determined to lug heavy toys upstairs, all the time screaming and crying in anger because it was too heavy or too large for you to carry it by yourself.

Despite this very fierce demeanor, you have a big heart and do not hesitate to share your stuff with your sister. After hitting kakak, you would show remorse and would pat her on her back and pacify her saying, 'Dah, dah...'

Moving on to my firstborn, Khayla. If your sister is a spice, you are the sugar. The sweet-natured, yet the babyish one. Didn't I tell you that you two are like night and day?

Khayla my ray of sunshine,

There was a time when I worried because you hardly uttered a word when you were at Khadeeja's age. Two years later, your vocabulary is now stunning. Despite going to Malay medium daycare now, you continue to speak in English and adding new phrases which you learnt from your favourite cartoon or tv shows like Hi-5 and your ultimate favourite movie, Frozen. Just now, Khadeeja fell down as we were walking (or running) around the hotel lobby and you put on your most concerned expression and asked, 'Will Khadeeja be alright mom?'

Sweet as sugar!

Last month for example, you correctly used the phrase, 'check it out!' as in asking me to check out your poo-poo. It was hilarious though, and because you always come out with hilarious expression, I normally post them in my FB status. Just so I won't forget that you are extremely funny at this age!

You are an ardent fan of Frozen especially Queen Elsa. Sometimes you refer yourself as Elsa, like, 'Elsa want to watch tv!' and refer your sister as 'Anna' as in Princess Anna. Because you love the movie so much, your father was compelled to buy you Queen Elsa costume, which you wore almost all the time, day and night. From singing by heart all the songs in the movie, you turn to acting and I am most stunned to witness your very dramatic expressions as you act out your favourite parts in the movie.

In Queen Elsa costume

My little diva,

I totally understand why you don't get along with your sister... Being a gentle soul, you easily get upset when Khadeeja is being boisterous, rough and simply fierce. But must you over-react most of the time? Like the time when you two were playing in the bath tub and suddenly I heard you crying and sobbing, 'Khadeeja shouting with Khayla!' Yet, I didn't hear Khadeeja making any sound. Apparently, any little sound Khadeeja makes is too hard for you to handle!

Whenever you spot Pizza Hut, you immediately tell me you are hungry but all you eat is just the cheese in the stuffed crust!

One thing I wish that you would overcome is your habit of meowing instead of constructing proper sentences. You meow-ed when meeting new people, or when you feel particularly babyish. The worst part is when you meow and crawled as if you are a cat instead of a little girl. In public. Khayla, when are you going to outgrow this behaviour?

My little datin wannabe

Yet for all your diva attitude, I get all mushy every time you tell me how much you love me ('Mamak, Khayla love mamak!') and when you tell me that I am your best friend forever. Because I know one day, this love proclamation will be only during rare occasions and most likely done over texts or FB status. One day, you won't even tell me that you are my best friend when you have friends your age who understand your teenage angst more than I will.

Lastly my two pumpkin pies,

I hope that you both will learn to love each other. Be each other's best friend. Enjoy each other's companionship. Be close sisters. You do display your affections to each other but only on very rare, once in a blue moon occasion. When it does happen though, I couldn't resist taking a photo.

Playing together

May you always be my sweet little angels until forever.

Love,
Mak / Mommy (whichever you both are using now)

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Letter to My Girls: Khayla (35 months) & Khadeeja (11 months)

Dear precious daughters,

This month you both turned a month older - Khayla, 35 months and Khadeeja, 11 months old. I know this sounds cliche but wow, time sure flies fast, right?

My angels,

This year our lives took a little detour from its usual routine. I stay home to take care both of you and at the same time, finishing my studies. 

Sure money isn't as free-flow as it used to be when I was earning my own income. I could not afford to buy new clothes and toys at branded outlets. We don't stay at fancy hotels for Mommy's working trips this year.

But that's ok. The time we spent going swimming, shopping, and those trips to the playground made up big times though. We could all nap in the afternoon and go for walks in the evening more than we used to, right Khayla? Most importantly, I am around all the time for you both which you love so.

Ice cream moment!

Who needs new toys when we could make our own play dough, and construct  a make-shift playhouse from the sofa cushions? Who needs branded clothes when we could buy similar but not so original version from wholesale outlet, right?

My sweet babies,

Although I do admit that sometimes I feel sad that I can't afford one of those expensive toys for either of you when I see friends posted toys they bought for their kids. But that's only one side of life. They also complain about leaving the office after dark due to workload only to find their kids already asleep when they reach home, and for that I wonder whether the toys are really worth the time spent at work? When you grow up, you will learn this concept. It's called 'opportunity cost'.

Enough rambling for now. I want to address this to each of my darling daughters, may you be reminded of how much I love you girls.

Khadeeja my dark-eyed adorable angel,

You probably don't know this but a year back, just slightly over a month before I delivered you, I woke up in the early dawn to the dull pain which later grew stronger and stronger till it alarmed your father he immediately rushed me to the hospital. I was alarmed too - for all the wrong reasons. Who is going to finish my job if I delivered 6 weeks early? 

Thankfully you didn't come out that day and still refused to come out a month later that the doctor had to drag you out from inside me, screaming at the top of your lungs. 

So much time has passed right, baby? Now you are almost a year, perfecting your walking skill and growing more teeth (you have eight now). The other day, Makyeng sent a video clip of you playing peekaboo by yourself, giggling as you drape a towel over your head and then pulling it off your face.

Sweet baby in the red cap

Even though you and your sister are born on the same date, you guys share very few similarities - where your sister is very manja and likes to cuddle, you are more independent and always on the go type. Yet you adore your sister very much. You follow her everywhere, and even though you sometimes scream when she pushes you back or yells no at you, but you still want to be around her and do whatever she does. Sometimes it saddens me that you are kinda in a hurry to grow up when I still need a baby to smother with kisses and cuddles. But at times I'm relieved as well - if you had been more dependent on me, I don't think this whole long-distance parenting will work.

On the day you sent me to the airport

That doesn't mean that you don't need me too. Whenever I'm around, you love checking on me. Losing me from your sight upsets you big time that even when I'm in the bathroom you would stand outside the door banging and crying. But when I came out, hey, there's not a single tear! At 11 months, you could fake a cry!

You take so much after me that I worry that you will grow up a worry-wart like me too. You laugh less often than your sister at this age, it takes quite a complicated trick to make you giggle in a carefree way. You tend to frown when you concentrate on something (like throwing out all the toys from the toy bin). Which I don't get it - because when I was pregnant with you I was almost stress-free where else when I was preggy with your sister, I was constantly worrying about a lot of things!

Giving that appraising look of yours that is just me

You know the best moments that I had when I was back for semester break last couple of weeks? The time when you fall asleep in my arms. Your hand draped across my chest so possessively (yes, you are jealous too when your sister gets near me), your head on my arm. I just love staring at your long, long eyelashes (something that both of you have, but yours are longer and thicker). And, watching you dance (swinging your body side to side or rocking back and forth as I clap and sing for you) is also a precious moment indeed. You are cute in that way, so adorable I just want to gobble you up and then give birth to you again, back to that little baby who scream so much about being born.

Always so inquisitive and curious 

Now to my eldest daughter, Khayla,

People say - good things come in small packages. That is apt enough to describe you. The joy of everyone's life, always singing and saying the darndest thing ever! You love exclaiming, 'Lailahailallah!' to everything wherever possible. It's good that you can mengucap already but I am pretty sure you don't know what it means!

Whenever you come up with new phrases, I get totally blown away. Like that week when Makyeng sent an audio clip where you were singing 'Ana Muslim' (as usual) and then suddenly you stopped and asked Makyeng in an injured tone, 'Why you like this? So how leh?' I'm not sure what Makyeng did to make you feel so hurt but your helpless yet indignant tone is just too cute!

Watching boats pass by

The other day, Makyeng texted me about your new game. You have started to play imaginary roles, first asking in a normal voice, 'Do you want to eat Koko Krunch?' and then answering your own question in softer tone as if you are a second person, 'Yes please…' Every day you surprise us with something new - a new song, a new act, a new phrase. With you, every day is a new discovery which everyone is anticipating to find out.

Let's talk about food, sweetie. When it comes to food, I'm still fighting a losing battle with you. If you can sustain by just breathing air, I'm pretty sure you would be one very happy toddler. Well, occasionally you do show a slight interest in food - but always the same food. Corn for example. Or fries. Or chocolate. Or candies. Vegetable? Fish? Chicken? What's that?

Enjoying your lollipop

As time passes by, I think you have begun to accept your role as a big sister even though you and Khadeeja still fight pretty much of the time. Sometimes you can be really concerned with her, giving her toys to play, asking her to finish her milk and even asking her whereabouts when things get quiet. I think it's lovely the way you are turning into this big girl, but at the same time you still want me to treat you like a baby.

Playing the big sister

It gives me a warm feeling inside when you sometimes still want to nurse with me, because we still share this unbreakable bond - nothing ever really matters in the world when I hold you close to my heart, my baby. 

Khayla & Khadeeja, you two will always be my inspiration.

Love you always,
Mak

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Letter Day 21

Dear babies,

I am starting this letter with a prayer that you both will always be in Allah's protection as He has protected me at all times.

You see my children, today I had a close call of walking into a crime scene, and probably being a collateral damage. I was debating whether I should take LRT or drive to KLCC. My gut told me to take the car, go to UM City campus first then drive to KLCC.

But my logic argued that I should take the LRT because the parking fee at KLCC is so expensive. Plus I'll just waste fuel because I would go to city campus this evening anyway.

So I decided to take the LRT. The traffic light to the LRT station was faulty so I took it as my way. I took some time searching for free parking lot, I parked, I got out, passed the booth selling sweet corn without much notice, decided against withdrawing money from the ATM because I was late, and then boarded the LRT at 10.40am.

Seems like pretty ordinary right? That's right, it started as ordinary day for the Aunty and her worker selling those sweet corn at the LRT station except by the time I came back they were dead.

Some lunatics went out of control, ran amok and stabbed them both just half an hour after I boarded the train. I came back to find blood trails on the floor, the area cordoned off with the police yellow tape. My blood ran cold. I thought of both of you.

Maybe Allah just wants to remind me that death is not that far away, why am I wasting my time. Why am I here and you are there, when it's my job to keep you safe?

There's a lot of maybes but I have no answer to those. My sweethearts, if ever anything happened to me, I just want to let you know how much I love you, how much I regret not kissing you both every day when I had the chance, and how much I want you both to stay true to Allah and not neglect your duty to Allah.

I love you both from the bottomest of the bottom of my heart.

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Letter Day 20

Girls,

I'm really missing you both right now. Counting the days till I meet you again. I love nothing more than cuddling and snuggling up to you both this weekend. I need you girls this moment to tell me everything is going to be ok.

Sweet dreams my lovely daughters.

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Letter to My Girls: Khayla (34 months) & Khadeeja (10 months)

To my two most favourite little girls in the whole wide world,

Almost a year has passed, it's almost unbelievable how much you both have grown since then!

This month has been a bittersweet moments for all of us. In my high hope of graduating this year, we had to make a painful decision of sending you girls to stay with Makyeng. The day you girls went away will always be etched in my mind like an ugly scar - Khayla crying while Khadeeja didn't even have the time to react. I'm so sorry sweetie, but I certainly hope that you girls are having fun being around Makyeng.

Khadeeja my independent baby,

This month you started walking. Walking, Khadeeja! At 10 months old, I must say, you really take after me in that department! To be frank, you have started to walk at 9 months but those were unintentional because when you realize that you are taking a few steps you lost balance and fell down.

But now you are pittering-pattering everywhere according to Makyeng. She sent a video of you walking from the shoe cabinet to the living room, and when you almost fell, you reached out to the wall and balanced yourself. You could pick yourself up, standing on your own and taking those cute albeit clumsy baby steps, at 10 months old! High-five, sayang! *clap hand*

Something that I didn't expect is you are starting to practice your speech. You knew how to call me by 9 months but this month, you even started to count! I almost fell of the sofa when I saw the video of Makyeng counting '1,2...' and you promptly answering Makyeng, 'Weee....' (three!) Khadeeja, leave some of those baby moments for me, will you?

My Deeja-licious cupcake,

One thing that I was so concerned and dreaded when you went back with Makyeng was how you were going to fare being away for long period without direct breastfeeding. Breastfeeding is your most favourite pastime! You can't sleep without it, cry endlessly and most stubbornly as well as passionately for it... And suddenly, you had to stop.

Makyeng said the first few days were challenging because you rejected pacifiers as well, but after 3 days you were okay. I was relieved of course.

Then another challenge came up - how to re-establish direct feeding after 2 weeks away from you. The first few hours were pure anxiety as you seemed to 'forgot' what to do - you grinned adorably but most frustratingly, and then you turned your head away and refused to suckle. I coaxed, and coaxed, and even got bitten as you slowly recalled how to, but eventually when I was almost bursting into tears from sheer frustration, you became sleepy and finally opened your mouth and suckled most contentedly like you've always done before we were separated!

From those moments until I went back to KL, you were most contented snuggling close to me and nurse yourself to sleep. I know that deep down you miss me so much, it breaks my heart :(

Moving on my little one, 

As we celebrate Hari Raya Haji this month, we finally get to carried out your aqiqah. Although there was no special ceremony or berzanji for your aqiqah, the most important thing is we no longer owed you your aqiqah. I still feel quite bad for you but hey, I stayed home to look after you instead of sending you to daycare right?

Some day precious child, you will understand and hopefully appreciate the meaning behind this sacrifice.

Next, to my beloved firstborn, Khayla,

When you are not around my angel, it's like my world is plunged to darkness - it's a quiet and depressing world without your delightful presence.

You are simply that, beautiful. The sunshine that brightens up any day, so full of happiness and mischief, so affectionate yet fierce...

Angel,

At this age you have more or less become more social and outgoing compared to when you were little. I still remember your babysitters and teachers telling me how much you hated people touching you, that you cried every time it happened. 

Now? You held hands with other kids at the playground even though they are strangers, you played chase and laughed and when it was time to leave, you waved bye-bye. Of course, that was after begging and negotiating with us, 'Last one?' for I don't know, the umpteenth time?

I noticed besides getting better at expressing yourself with words, you have also gained understanding on other's feelings. Like the last time we visited you girls, I was coughing badly in the car and you automatically reached out and patted me in the back. You knew that I was not okay so patting me was your way of helping me feel better. I'm so touched, love!

But the best thing about you Khayla, is you never grew out of your affection and 'manja-ness', always asking for a cuddle even more than adik. To me, you are and always will be my baby.

Happy 34 months & 10 months birthday, sweethearts. 

Love you girls forever,

Mak 

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