Tuesday, October 08, 2013

Letter Day 7

Dearest children,

Today marks the 7th day of our separation. Like I said yesterday, it's still very painful for me to take each day in its stride. I am looking forward to meet you girls this weekend, so badly sayang! 

My babies,

I have had a troubling thought today. I am compelled by guilt to your Makyeng for dragging her in my problems. I know how much Makyeng treasures her independence - after so many years of raising children, she could finally have her life back. To spend the day as she pleases, to meet and hang out with her friends, to have their community activities that no doubt give her a sense of belonging, recognition and achievement. When you grow up, you will learn about this theory - it's called Maslow's Motivation Hierarchy. 

And suddenly I give her so much responsibility of looking after you girls because I'm too busy chasing my own achievement. Not only that, I am giving her lots of pressure to leave her comfort zone and stay here to look after you girls because I couldn't bear to stop breastfeeding or be away from you both.

Who am I to say my achievement is more important than her achievement? Who am I to make her leave her place just for my sake? I am her child, not the other way around. I should be the one playing the obedient role, not vice versa.

But I am your mother too, I have no one to turn to except the one person whom every child turns to in difficulty - my own mother. It's bad enough feeling guilty towards you girls for not looking after you two, I also feel guilty towards Makyeng for imposing on her life.

My precious diamonds,

You must be nice to Makyeng. Don't be naughty, don't quarrel and cooperate with her. You must be thankful that your Makyeng loves you very much that she's willing to look after you even though it means she has to sacrifice her personal time and not be with her friends.

Thank you Makyeng. We are sorry for putting you through this. We love you very much. May Allah reward you in plentifuls.

Khayla & Khadeeja,

Stay happy, healthy and good girls always. Mak love you lots. Dream a little dream of me.

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Tuesday, October 08, 2013

Letter to My Girls: Khayla (33 Months) & Khadeeja (9 months)

Dear Sweethearts,

This year I strove to write a letter to both of you for each month you turned older. I'm sorry that I missed last month's update. It may be trivial to most people but to me, it means that I have lost the chance to capture the little memories I have with each of you, and the big milestones that you achieved as your bright minds absorb new knowledge and skills.

Let's take you as an example Khadeeja,

Last month you celebrated your first ever Aidilfitri. You were excited of exploring new places (huge space to crawl about back at the kampung!) but fretful of meeting new faces. Your first Hari Raya outfit was yellow kurung with purple polka dots and purple sarong, and I was so excited about putting on identical outfits for you and your sister.

Khadeeja crawling under a table at a relative's house!

A memorable thing about you this raya is how you liked to crawl under the table whenever we went raya visiting. Naturally that's you, always giving in to your budding curiosity and exploring your world. My little sunshine, I have every confidence that when you grow up you will be the brightest little girl in your class :)

My adorable mess :)

My precocious Khadeeja,

At 8 months old, you have grown 6 teeth, learnt how to stand and even how to climb. Yes, climbing. When other babies this age have just mastered the skill of sitting on their own, you have gone beyond that and are now climbing out of your walker. Mommy pengsan!

Climbing out of the walker!

Well, to give me even more headache, this month you upped your skills by walking baby steps. Walking, my mocha latte! A couple of times I caught you standing without holding onto anything. Then you took a few steps but when you realized that you were not holding onto anything you stumbled and fell on your cushy bum!

The good thing about you is you don't cry easily when you fall down. You simply continue crawling or trying to stand up again - life moves on for you. That's the spirit baby! You only cry when you are sleepy, want your milk supply, a cuddle, or when you fight with your sister.

My super adventurous Khadeeja

Speaking about sister fight, oh yes. Somehow some time between last month and this month, you stopped being meek and helpless when your sister pushes you or takes away your toys. Instead you fight back - shrieking, grabbing your sister's hair, pinching, and most recently, you even resorted to biting! Oh no, Khadeeja!

Both crying when fighting

I'm amazed but appalled at the same time - what kind of girl am I raising who can fight back at the age of 9 months? The things you can do Khadeeja, can leave me speechless. Not you though. When you are in a passionate mood, you will let the world know your feelings - shrieking in fury, or in excitement during one of those days when your sister obliged and played with you.

Loving your first swing ride all by yourself!

But above all, your most awesome achievement this month is you uttered your first word. Unlike your sister whose first word was 'Bapak', you opened your mouth and spoke, 'Mak.' I felt like bursting into tears! It felt so good to being acknowledged by my 9mo baby!

Helping mak to clean the bowl after baking is done

And then there's my beautiful little Khayla,

If Khadeeja is the apple of my eyes, then you are my rainbow that lifts up even the gloomiest of my days. Khayla, once upon a time, I used to fret because you weren't talking in full sentences when others your age have done so. Last month you stopped going to school, but strangely your vocabulary started to improve and you are now talking properly. To make it more amazing is, you chose to speak in English, even though we spoke in our mother's tongue to you.

Among your favourite expressions are, 'I have an idea!' 'I have another idea!' 'So how leh?' (a mixture of English and Mandarin), 'I see...' and the most frequently used, 'Khadeeja, no. Dangerous!'

'Don't run, mak. Dangerous!' while running herself. Hehe

The most adorable thing about you and your little speech is the fact that when you do something nice to others, you would prompt them to thank you. Like, when you give a toy to Khadeeja you would stand in her face and repeatedly say, 'Thank you Khadeeja?' And since your baby sister still could not understand the concept of gratitude, I had to step in and thank you on behalf. Only when you receive your thanks, you would move away and continue your life.

Sharing your book with adik

Darling,

Back to your English-speaking nature. Your father thinks you prefer English because you love watching BabyTV, and the cartoons speak English and nothing but English! Maybe you don't give a flip about this now, but some day when you grew up and became a rebellious teenager, I'm pretty sure you will bring this up and place the blame totally on us o_O

My sweetheart,

One thing that has not changed since you were a baby is your fondness for going out and exploring the world. Ok, I'm sure by the time you can read this letter, you will roll your eyes at me and point out that it's a typical 2-years-old behaviour. So what's new? Gee mak, can you come up with a much more original observation? I know, I know, Mommy's being lame… But you have to know that at this time I'm too much preoccupied with my studies and the fact that I could still notice your development takes quite a bit of effort ok sayang.

Going out to the mall - your favourite pastime ever

But one thing for sure, I would always have my eyes on you and Khadeeja. When you both went to bed, I would spend a few minutes stroking your hair, thinking - God, they grow up so fast. I wish they would stay babies for a while longer. Please, let them be my babies for the rest of my life.

I love you both, most passionately, fiercely and tenderly.

Love,
Mak

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Monday, October 07, 2013

Letter Day 6

Kehadapan anak2 mak sayang,

Hari ke-6... Rindu mak terhadap Khayla & Khadeeja semakin kuat, cinta. Malam ni mak masih tak boleh tidur, mak masih terbayang2 wajah kalian. Senyum tawa kalian memberi semangat kepada emak. Bila kalian tiada, mak gelisah.

Khadeeja yg emak rindui,

Malam tadi rindu mak tak tertahan, mak ambil baju Khadeeja yang belum dibasuh. Mak cium, mak pegang erat, peluk dan bayangkan Khadeeja dalam dakapan mak. Sungguh mak rindu Khadeeja!

Mak dapat rasakan Khadeeja hadir dalam mimpi, bau Khadeeja buatkan mak hiba. Mak tak sekuat yang disangka... Malam2 tidur mak masih berteman air mata. 

Ya Allah, kirimkan cintaku kepada anak2ku. Kepada Khayla yang sentiasa menceriakan hidupku, dan kepada Khadeeja yang masih kecil mulus, namun seluruh cintanya milikku.

Sayang emak,

Mak sedih setiap kali mak dengar lagu Hafiz 'Bahagiamu Deritaku'. Air mata mak mengalir bila mak dengar lirik, 'Mengapakah aku jadi lemah, sungguh ku tak sangka, dia membawa jantungku bersamamu...'

Kerana mak tau bagaimana rasanya bila jantung hati dan wajah kesayangan mak dibawa pergi jauh dari emak.

Selamat malam sayang. Mimpi kan emak selalu.

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Sunday, October 06, 2013

Letter Day 5

Dear girls,

I miss you both. When I go somewhere and I saw girls your age, I start to think about you. Have you eaten? Are you ok? Are you happy?

Life feels incomplete without you. I thought I could pretend that my life has been reset to the time before you girls came into my life but no. I can't. Every part of my life, every cells on my body, every thoughts that go through me - have been touched by your presence. How then do I undo all those?

My loveliest daughters,

Right now, what wouldn't I give to take you both in my arms and kiss your cheeks, breathe in your hair and skin, knowing that I am the most blessed person in the world to be given a pair of angels - my very own angels.

Goodnight babies. May Allah help us in going through this struggling period.

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Saturday, October 05, 2013

Letter Day 4

My dear children,

I pray to Allah that you both are in His protection as you and I have always been. It's been a rather laidback day compared to the past few days sweethearts. I've passed my Chapter 1 yesterday, done my CB report and was supposed to present today but my partner took sick leave so no presentation.

At times like this I wish so much that you girls are here. The house is too quiet without you both. I didn't find tv so entertaining, and preferred watching you both during vid-call.

Today Makyeng uploaded a few more photos of the two of you playing a piano at her friend's house. She made a funny caption which, when people look at the photo it seemed to fit the caption. Haha, funny Makyeng.

Then at night Makyeng sent a photo of you standing by yourself, Khadeeja. Aww.. Please darling.. Don't grow up too fast. I still want to savor your babyhood moments. It seems a while ago that I gave birth to you :(

Anyway sayang,

Makyeng told me that you seemed upset today after our vid-call last night. I was pumping while watching you with Makyeng and you saw me doing that and suddenly you remembered that you haven't had the real thing for a few days now. You cried and refused the bottle. I'm so sorry munchkin!

She also said that you kept looking behind her Notes phone because you thought I was hiding behind it. That was certainly sad :( mak didn't mean to make you feel terrible sayang. Be patient ok, I'll be there in a couple of weeks.

Khayla,

I wish we could chat a lot longer just now, if you didn't conquer the phone and became distracted by the games function! Seriously sayang, I miss you and want to see your face and listen to your babbles, hear you call me, 'Mak' or 'Mommy' in that manja tone. Not to play games! I'm sorry I ended the call earlier.

Girls,

Something great happened today. I was looking for business attire for class presentation today, so I tried on my old knee-length blazer and a blouse I bought from Banana Republic which costed me RM200+ 3 or 4 years back and somehow couldn't fit into it again after I gave birth.

Guess what? Now I could fit in those clothes again! I'm so happy! 

Another thing that made me happy today is I managed to pump close to 19oz BM (9oz in the morning, 4oz+ in the afternoon, and 5oz+ at night). That's an increase from the past 2 days, hopefully I will collect enough milk to last you for a while, adik.

Ok sayang, I really have to be off. Counting the days till we meet again. I love you both with all my heart. Sleep tight, dream a little dream of me.

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