Thursday, July 28, 2005

Dillenia call pagi tadi.

'Bila kontrak abis?'
'Ujung bulan September nih. Apsal?'
'Ada vacancy kat tempat kite. Exec, Planning & Research.'
Hmm... Bunyik macam Marketing Exec je.
'Department aper?'
'Business Development.'
Sah. Memang kene wat research marketing nih.

Dill suruh submit resume kat dier. Aku pun forward kan jelah. At the same time, aku nak mintak kat tempat lain gak. Anywhere in KL. Walaupun dok JB best lagi daripada dok KL, tapi demi future aku, kena gak buat the big decision.

Suddenly I'm looking forward to leave this place.

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Monday, July 25, 2005

'We want to help u. When u just walked off, we felt offended.'

Nasib baik aku tak baling cup berisi Coke tu kat dinding. Dah la sakitkan hati aku, anggap aku nih bermasalah sedangkan dieorang tak penah amik peduli apa yang aku cakap selama nih.

Beberapa hari sebelum tu, aku penah tulis dalam email kat depa nih sumer,

'I dun like people pushing me to know my problem. Usually I'll just say 'I'm fine' if I'm still considering whether I wanna tell or not. I will only tell if I'm ready to tell.'

Selang beberapa hari pastu, dieorang buat exactly apa yang aku tak suka. Bila aku still tak nak cakap (dah la dah hot giler2 masa tu, still tak bley faham lagi), boleh plak nak terasa ngan aku. Ikhlas sangat la nak tolong cam tu.

'Ur intention may be good, but what u guys did to me, really hurt me. I felt like some animal trapped in the corner, I couldn't believe u guys did that to me.' Aku jawab.

'Meby u can forget abt it. Just act normal.'

Aku plak yang kena berbaik2 dulu ngan dieorang? Sapa yang antagonize sapa in the first place??

Nasib baik Coke dah abis.

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Monday, July 25, 2005

Lirik Lagu Wonderful (Everclear)

'Hey, ain't life wonderful? wonderful, wonderful, wonderful... isn't it wonderful now? '

I close my eyes when I get too sad

I think thoughts that I know are bad

Close my eyes and I count to ten

Hope it's over when I open them

I want the things that I had before

Like a star wars poster on my bedroom door

I wish I could count to ten

Make everything be wonderful again

Hope my mom and I hope my dad

Will figure out why they get so mad

Hear them scream, I hear them fight

They say bad words that make me wanna cry

Close my eyes when I go to bed

And I dream of angels who make me smile

I feel better when I hear them say

Everything will be wonderful someday

Promises mean everything when you're little

And the world's so big

I just don't understand how

You can smile with all those tears in your eyes

Tell me everything is wonderful now

Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now

I go to school and I run and play

I tell the kids that it's all okay

I laugh aloud so my friends won't know

When the bell rings I just don't wanna go home

Go to my room and I close my eyes

I make believe that I have a new life

I don't believe you when you say

Everything will be wonderful someday

Promises mean everything when you're little

And the world is so big

I just don't understand how

You can smile with all those tears in your eyes

When you tell me everything is wonderful now

No No, I don't wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now

No No, I don't wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now

I don't wanna hear you say

That I will understand someday

No, no, no, no

I don't wanna hear you say

You both have grown in a different way

No, no, no, no

I don't wanna meet your friends

And I don't wanna start over again

I just want my life to be the same

Just like it used to be

Some days I hate everything

I hate everything

Everyone and everything

Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now...

I don't wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now.

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Sunday, July 24, 2005

'u kene kidnap ke? Apsal tak datang keja?'

Mula2 aku malas nak jawab. Tapi bila fikirkan balik, dia tak terlibat pun ngan dieorang yang pepandai je wat 'public tribunal' nak solve problem aku konon, tapi akhirnya jadi sakit hati je. I have to be fair to him.

Akhirnya aku reply lirik lagu Wonderful Now kat sms - 'I close my eyes when I get 2 sad. I close my eyes n I count 2 ten. Hope it's over when I open them. Make ething be wonderful again...'

'Oh. Yang penting u tak kene kidnap (erk??). So y ur sad?'

Mamat nih nak kene hempuk aper? Dah la aku tak de mood nak bergurau-senda.

'How easy to be u. Teach me how to be w/out emotions. Then I won't feel sad.'
'U don't want to be me. Sad can be sad la, tapi dun let it overcome u. Tell me, meby I can help u.'
'Who says I need help?'
'Coz ur sad. I can help to make u not sad.'

Aku terkebil2 baca reply dia. Tersentuh pun ada, marah pun ada. Who does he think he is, that he can magicked away all the pains I feel in my heart?

'Oh yeah? Can u bring back the love I've lost? Can u make the loneliness disappear? Well, can u?'

Akhirnya aku tak jadi hantar reply tu.

I am not crying out for help. I dun need help. I just need to be left alone. To be allowed the peace to grief for someone I've lost. To be allowed to withdraw from the world in my cocoon. I will only emerge when I'm ready.

Aku dah berkali2 menyatakannya. Itupun susah utk mereka fahami.

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Friday, July 22, 2005

Semakin Teruji

Salam.

Semakin teruji. Bila mereka akan percaya pada kata2 aku, aku sudah terluka dengan perbuatan mereka.

Rumah sudah rasa terasing. Kawan2 sudah tidak memahami. Kasih sudah pergi. Aku tinggal kebingungan.

Demi untuk melarikan diri dari kebingungan, aku putuskan untuk sumbat pakaian dalam beg sandang setia. Beg yang selalu aku bawa ke mana2. Motor kesayanganku. Aku call orang yang paling aku percaya.

'I need to see you. Can I stay over at ur house?'

Seperti biasa, she welcomes me. Akhirnya, pada pukul 9.30 malam, aku blah dari rumah. Sampai di Restoran Noor, aku luahkan segala2nya. Dia sentiasa faham. Dialah sahabat sejati aku sejak 5 tahun lalu.

Aku tak pegi kerja esoknya. Walaupun telefon berdering pukul 9.30 pagi. Mesti Macha yang cari. Pedulikan. Aku perlu masa untuk sendiri.

Kebingungan, duduk termenung di tasik. Ikan jadi teman setia. Mengucap istighfar. Tuhan, begitu berat dugaanMu...

Besok, aku akan lari lagi. Ke mana2 saja aku rasakan perlu. Isnin kelak. Terleraikah segalanya? Aku kena cari kekuatan untuk maafkan mereka. Sungguh mereka telah melukakan aku.

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