Sunday, October 06, 2013

Letter Day 5

Dear girls,

I miss you both. When I go somewhere and I saw girls your age, I start to think about you. Have you eaten? Are you ok? Are you happy?

Life feels incomplete without you. I thought I could pretend that my life has been reset to the time before you girls came into my life but no. I can't. Every part of my life, every cells on my body, every thoughts that go through me - have been touched by your presence. How then do I undo all those?

My loveliest daughters,

Right now, what wouldn't I give to take you both in my arms and kiss your cheeks, breathe in your hair and skin, knowing that I am the most blessed person in the world to be given a pair of angels - my very own angels.

Goodnight babies. May Allah help us in going through this struggling period.

Saturday, October 05, 2013

Letter Day 4

My dear children,

I pray to Allah that you both are in His protection as you and I have always been. It's been a rather laidback day compared to the past few days sweethearts. I've passed my Chapter 1 yesterday, done my CB report and was supposed to present today but my partner took sick leave so no presentation.

At times like this I wish so much that you girls are here. The house is too quiet without you both. I didn't find tv so entertaining, and preferred watching you both during vid-call.

Today Makyeng uploaded a few more photos of the two of you playing a piano at her friend's house. She made a funny caption which, when people look at the photo it seemed to fit the caption. Haha, funny Makyeng.

Then at night Makyeng sent a photo of you standing by yourself, Khadeeja. Aww.. Please darling.. Don't grow up too fast. I still want to savor your babyhood moments. It seems a while ago that I gave birth to you :(

Anyway sayang,

Makyeng told me that you seemed upset today after our vid-call last night. I was pumping while watching you with Makyeng and you saw me doing that and suddenly you remembered that you haven't had the real thing for a few days now. You cried and refused the bottle. I'm so sorry munchkin!

She also said that you kept looking behind her Notes phone because you thought I was hiding behind it. That was certainly sad :( mak didn't mean to make you feel terrible sayang. Be patient ok, I'll be there in a couple of weeks.

Khayla,

I wish we could chat a lot longer just now, if you didn't conquer the phone and became distracted by the games function! Seriously sayang, I miss you and want to see your face and listen to your babbles, hear you call me, 'Mak' or 'Mommy' in that manja tone. Not to play games! I'm sorry I ended the call earlier.

Girls,

Something great happened today. I was looking for business attire for class presentation today, so I tried on my old knee-length blazer and a blouse I bought from Banana Republic which costed me RM200+ 3 or 4 years back and somehow couldn't fit into it again after I gave birth.

Guess what? Now I could fit in those clothes again! I'm so happy!

Another thing that made me happy today is I managed to pump close to 19oz BM (9oz in the morning, 4oz+ in the afternoon, and 5oz+ at night). That's an increase from the past 2 days, hopefully I will collect enough milk to last you for a while, adik.

Ok sayang, I really have to be off. Counting the days till we meet again. I love you both with all my heart. Sleep tight, dream a little dream of me.

Thursday, October 03, 2013

Letter Day 3

Dear Khayla & Khadeeja,

What are you both up to today? Makyeng sent a few photos which makes me feel happy, but also missing you terribly and even more. Love is weird that way, darlings.

I miss you both dearly, but I know if you both stay here with me, it will not be for the best of us all. You girls will be neglected, crying and miserable because I have to rush with my deadlines. I will not be able to accomplish anything at all and that will make me feel stressed out. So, I hope you will understand the reason we sent you to Makyeng's, apples of my eyes. We want only the best for you girls. See, you have ample space to play at Pakyeng's place, and you get to go on shopping trips with Makyeng. Isn't that fun?

Kakak,

I love seeing you wear your new shirts. You look so girly, and seems that you enjoy your outing. Have you been nice with adik? Makyeng told me that you woke up late today, maybe because you slept late last night?

Adik,

Wow, 20oz? Seriously? Mak will try to increase pumping sessions and eat more so you could have more milk when we come visiting in a couple of weeks. But overall, I'm just glad that this separation has not affected your appetite and you seem to be taking it in your stride. You are a survivor - just like mommy!

Well my dears, today I managed to complete my Chapter 1. There are a few amendments to make here and there, to beef up certain parts and all other details but I won't bore you with those details. I feel quite happy to be making some progress, so I hope this happy feeling will mean that I will produce more milk. Yeay!

I think I'll stop here, daughters. I hope you girls are already safely in dreamland, dreaming a little dream of me…

You girls are my everything, everything. I love you both.

Letter Day 2

Assalamualaikum kakak and adik,

I trust that you are happy and settling down fine in Bintulu, my sunshine and moonlight. We have passed day 1 but it has been very hard for me. I hope it was not so difficult for you both, but I'm sure adik still miss mak kan, sayang?

Last night I could not sleep a wink. I looked at your photos and your video and wrote a letter to you. At around 2am, I felt so lonely and the house so quiet without you that I started to cry silently. It was hard, my sweethearts. My tears kept trickling out until my heart felt like bursting and I let out a low sob. Bapak woke up to find mak crying, pining for you girls especially for Khadeeja.

This morning, I woke up and I could not open my eyes for a few minutes because they were so swollen. When I did open them, I searched for adik's pyjama that you wore yesterday and buried my nose into it. It brought little relief, but at least I could imagine Khadeeja's presence even when it only exists in my heart.

My dear daughters,

Tonight after class, I checked Makyeng's Facebook and saw that she has updated some photos of you girls. I see that you are enjoying yourselves already in Bintulu. Khadeeja, I can't believe that you are already riding that tricycle :) Makyeng told me that you finished around 12oz of EBM so far, that's great darling. Keep it up. I am also making sure that I pump as frequent as I could, so that I will bring home more supply for you ok?

Khayla, listen to Makyeng sayang… Take your bath, no arguing and no running away. Like Bapak always says - 'No hiding-hiding!'

I am glad that you both are happy and getting all the love and attention that you girls deserve. Bapak and mak are sorry that we could not be there for you girls at this moment. Take care my cupcakes. Be happy. Be well.

Dream a little dream of mak tonight.

Tuesday, October 01, 2013

Letter Day 1

Dear Khayla & Khadeeja,

How are you babies? Did you have a good flight just now? I hope you both are settling down well at Makyeng's. Khadeeja, mak pray tonight you will sleep soundly and sweetly - even when it's your first night away from me.

Just now on our way back from the airport, mak cried buckets of tears thinking of both of you. The memory of Khayla crying and stretching your hands towards us as your Ngah carries you to the departure hall keeps re-playing in my head like a broken record. It just breaks my heart that we have no choice but to do this - to send you both away so that we could concentrate on our studies.

My sweeties,

Are you feeling sleepy already? Have you had your dinner? Mak is wondering what are you both doing now. We had so much fun last night, playing rough-a-tumble. When I caught you girls by your ankles and turned you in somersault, you both giggled so hard. Khayla, remember you kept asking me, 'Some more angkat, mak! Angkat Khayla!' And after your turn, you remembered to take turns with Khadeeja and asked me to lift your baby sister. So much fun (even though it's tiring for me!) wasn't it?

Hush adik, go to sleep. Makyeng is tired after a long journey today. Thank God for technology nowadays, I could make video calls and watch you girls from afar. Khayla, have you stopped jumping on the bed? It's time to sleep ok. Khadeeja, no crying. Else mak will start to cry too.

Adik, tonight mak came home to an empty house. Mak is so used to receiving your greetings - Khayla opening the door, Khadeeja crawling from the living room and throwing your small body at me. So much love, so much adoration reflected in those huge eyes, that dimpled smile... Masya Allah, I just melt inside every time I look into those beautiful eyes. It reminds me of Martina McBride's song - 'In My Daughter's Eyes':

In my daughter's eyes I am a hero

I am strong and wise and I know no fear

But the truth is plain to see

She was sent to rescue me

I see who I wanna be

In my daughter's eyes

And when she wraps her hand

around my finger

Oh it puts a smile in my heart

Everything becomes a little clearer

I realize what life is all about

How I wish I could have your fingers wrapped around mine right now, darling. Khayla & Khadeeja. So many nights we fall asleep together, both of you lie with heads nestled in the crooks of my arms, Khadeeja reaching out to my lips as you breastfeed, and Khayla running your hand up and down my arm. Oh my babies, my heart is aching for you now!

Khadeeja,

In the car when we were going to the airport, I cuddled you and let you breastfeed. You stared at me throughout half of the journey, as if you could sense our separation. Such a wise child you are, wise beyond your 9 months of age. I told you to be a good girl, to listen to makyeng and not to bite your sister.

Before you left, I hugged you tight and desperately inhaled your scent. Locking all essence of you in my memory. Your thick lock of hair smelled of sweat from your strenuous efforts of taking baby steps at the airport. Your chubby cheeks smelled of your saliva, they say it's the smell of baby's breath and it is the sweetest smell in the world. When I buried my face in your neck, you squirmed but you let me do that. Baby, only Allah knows how sad I am for I would be missing this time of your life. I would probably miss your first proper walk (although you did attempt and manage to walk 3-4 steps on your own towards me the night before). You are only 10 months old once!

Khayla,

I miss our conversations already. I recall a few nights ago I was doing my assignment when you wandered in to check on me, 'Mak what are you doing?' I replied, 'I'm studying, sayang.' You nodded in understanding and commented, 'Study? I see...' And I wanted to grab you and plant kisses on my cheeky little tot! Sometimes I forgot that you are only 2 and a half, because you sound so grown-up now. But when you climb into bed next to me and throw your arms around me, it never fails to make me realize that you are still so small, still my little baby of 31 months old!

I'm going to stop writing now, my angels. If I continued on, I might get teary-eyed again and cried myself to sleep. I want to go to sleep dreaming of your sweet smiles and baby laughter. Sleep tight darlings. Say nighty-night and kiss me. Dream a little dream of me.