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Coffee Break With Me

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Friday, October 11, 2013

Letter Day 10

Dear girls,

Once upon a time someone told me that a mother will never forget her children until the Day of Judgement comes. I used to think how is that possible? Surely for a moment she will cease to remember, like when she's engrossed or her children have grown up.

Well baby girls,

A mother NEVER forgets. Even when I woke up in the middle of the night my first thought would be, 'I wonder how my girls are doing.' When I walk, drive, do my research, I have you tucked safely at the back of my mind. Ever present, ever ready to surface when I pause and remember.

I miss you, I will say this every day without fail. Sweet dreams my sunshine and star-light, I love you.


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Thursday, October 10, 2013

Letter Day 9

Dear Khayla & Khadeeja,

I hope everything goes well in your life now. It seems that you are enjoying yourself very much with daily trips to the playground and eating out. Counting the days till we meet again sweethearts!

Today I didn't call again, even though it took me a great amount of effort not to pick up the iPad to open Tango. I paced, I did the laundry, I pumped while thinking about Khadeeja, I watched tv as I think about you girls...

Then Makyeng sent me a video of Khadeeja, I wanted so much to call... Instead I went downstairs and did 10 laps at the swimming pool... Then I felt a bit better. I know, you are too busy exploring the world I doubt you even remember that I am not there.

The past few days I struggled to produce as much milk as the first few days. Normally I could pump around 18-19oz of milk daily. As at tonight, I barely made it to 18oz. Barely. There's something wrong with the pump, I think I better bring it to service centre to get it checked out. But fret not Khadeeja, mak will try my best to bring you enough milk supply to last you for a few more days. And... I trust Makyeng will make the ration last long enough while I continue to give my best to feed you with nothing but the goodness of breast milk.

Khayla,

I am not so worried about you darling, I know you are having a fun time there. You are very good at adapting yourself and as Bapak noted, you seem to love being in Bintulu more than here because Makyeng can bring you jalan2 everyday and Pakyeng's place has many cats to chase and plenty of space too.

Khadeeja,

I'm really quite sad to see that you are starting to lose your baby self as you learnt to stand up by yourself at this age. I'm even sadder that I'm not there with you and being the one to teach you how to walk. I'm so sorry my cupcake. When this is over, I'll try my best to make it up to you sayang.

It's 12 midnight now. I have a long day tomorrow and I am pretty sure you both are already in dreamland. So sleep tight my babies. Dream a little dream of me.
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Wednesday, October 09, 2013

Letter Day 8

Dear  Khayla & Khadeeja,

How are you darlings? I sure hope you are doing good, happy and thriving in the good hands of Makyeng. Do you miss me? I do, lots and lots. I can't wait for Saturday to come it feels soooo slow!

Sayang,

Today I decided not to call you. Not because I don't think about you both today. Every day, my mind wanders to the thought of you. Every hour of the day. When I sit down to pump more milk for Khadeeja, I take a deep breath of her worn shirt because that way I can imagine she's snuggled in my arms ready to be breastfed.

Well, not that I'm too busy either. I read some articles, did some laundry, did a few rounds of pumping milk, and worked on my assignment. Always during those tiket my thoughts revisit you two.

I know you are having a grand time over there and it saddens me that I can't be there with you both. I can't ask about your welfare, for fear of offending your Makyeng (it's not her fault babies, maybe it's the way I ask her that might sound across as accusation? Or maybe because Makyeng is just tired and rest-depraved from watching over you two active girls). Just that, Makyeng has done a lot of good stuffs and I have absolute trust in her.

But if I can't ask about you then what will I ask? So in the end I decided not to call. But don't be sad my sweet ones. This weekend we shall be reunited, Insya Allah. Then I can plant real kisses on your cheeks instead of just doing that in my head like now.

Kisses to you both my angels. Sweet dreams and dream of mak.
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Tuesday, October 08, 2013

Letter Day 7

Dearest children,

Today marks the 7th day of our separation. Like I said yesterday, it's still very painful for me to take each day in its stride. I am looking forward to meet you girls this weekend, so badly sayang! 

My babies,

I have had a troubling thought today. I am compelled by guilt to your Makyeng for dragging her in my problems. I know how much Makyeng treasures her independence - after so many years of raising children, she could finally have her life back. To spend the day as she pleases, to meet and hang out with her friends, to have their community activities that no doubt give her a sense of belonging, recognition and achievement. When you grow up, you will learn about this theory - it's called Maslow's Motivation Hierarchy. 

And suddenly I give her so much responsibility of looking after you girls because I'm too busy chasing my own achievement. Not only that, I am giving her lots of pressure to leave her comfort zone and stay here to look after you girls because I couldn't bear to stop breastfeeding or be away from you both.

Who am I to say my achievement is more important than her achievement? Who am I to make her leave her place just for my sake? I am her child, not the other way around. I should be the one playing the obedient role, not vice versa.

But I am your mother too, I have no one to turn to except the one person whom every child turns to in difficulty - my own mother. It's bad enough feeling guilty towards you girls for not looking after you two, I also feel guilty towards Makyeng for imposing on her life.

My precious diamonds,

You must be nice to Makyeng. Don't be naughty, don't quarrel and cooperate with her. You must be thankful that your Makyeng loves you very much that she's willing to look after you even though it means she has to sacrifice her personal time and not be with her friends.

Thank you Makyeng. We are sorry for putting you through this. We love you very much. May Allah reward you in plentifuls.

Khayla & Khadeeja,

Stay happy, healthy and good girls always. Mak love you lots. Dream a little dream of me.
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Tuesday, October 08, 2013

Letter to My Girls: Khayla (33 Months) & Khadeeja (9 months)

Dear Sweethearts,

This year I strove to write a letter to both of you for each month you turned older. I'm sorry that I missed last month's update. It may be trivial to most people but to me, it means that I have lost the chance to capture the little memories I have with each of you, and the big milestones that you achieved as your bright minds absorb new knowledge and skills.

Let's take you as an example Khadeeja,

Last month you celebrated your first ever Aidilfitri. You were excited of exploring new places (huge space to crawl about back at the kampung!) but fretful of meeting new faces. Your first Hari Raya outfit was yellow kurung with purple polka dots and purple sarong, and I was so excited about putting on identical outfits for you and your sister.


Khadeeja crawling under a table at a relative's house!

A memorable thing about you this raya is how you liked to crawl under the table whenever we went raya visiting. Naturally that's you, always giving in to your budding curiosity and exploring your world. My little sunshine, I have every confidence that when you grow up you will be the brightest little girl in your class :)


My adorable mess :)

My precocious Khadeeja,

At 8 months old, you have grown 6 teeth, learnt how to stand and even how to climb. Yes, climbing. When other babies this age have just mastered the skill of sitting on their own, you have gone beyond that and are now climbing out of your walker. Mommy pengsan!

Climbing out of the walker!

Well, to give me even more headache, this month you upped your skills by walking baby steps. Walking, my mocha latte! A couple of times I caught you standing without holding onto anything. Then you took a few steps but when you realized that you were not holding onto anything you stumbled and fell on your cushy bum!

The good thing about you is you don't cry easily when you fall down. You simply continue crawling or trying to stand up again - life moves on for you. That's the spirit baby! You only cry when you are sleepy, want your milk supply, a cuddle, or when you fight with your sister.

My super adventurous Khadeeja

Speaking about sister fight, oh yes. Somehow some time between last month and this month, you stopped being meek and helpless when your sister pushes you or takes away your toys. Instead you fight back - shrieking, grabbing your sister's hair, pinching, and most recently, you even resorted to biting! Oh no, Khadeeja!

Both crying when fighting

I'm amazed but appalled at the same time - what kind of girl am I raising who can fight back at the age of 9 months? The things you can do Khadeeja, can leave me speechless. Not you though. When you are in a passionate mood, you will let the world know your feelings - shrieking in fury, or in excitement during one of those days when your sister obliged and played with you.

Loving your first swing ride all by yourself!

But above all, your most awesome achievement this month is you uttered your first word. Unlike your sister whose first word was 'Bapak', you opened your mouth and spoke, 'Mak.' I felt like bursting into tears! It felt so good to being acknowledged by my 9mo baby!

Helping mak to clean the bowl after baking is done

And then there's my beautiful little Khayla,

If Khadeeja is the apple of my eyes, then you are my rainbow that lifts up even the gloomiest of my days. Khayla, once upon a time, I used to fret because you weren't talking in full sentences when others your age have done so. Last month you stopped going to school, but strangely your vocabulary started to improve and you are now talking properly. To make it more amazing is, you chose to speak in English, even though we spoke in our mother's tongue to you.

Among your favourite expressions are, 'I have an idea!' 'I have another idea!' 'So how leh?' (a mixture of English and Mandarin), 'I see...' and the most frequently used, 'Khadeeja, no. Dangerous!'

'Don't run, mak. Dangerous!' while running herself. Hehe


The most adorable thing about you and your little speech is the fact that when you do something nice to others, you would prompt them to thank you. Like, when you give a toy to Khadeeja you would stand in her face and repeatedly say, 'Thank you Khadeeja?' And since your baby sister still could not understand the concept of gratitude, I had to step in and thank you on behalf. Only when you receive your thanks, you would move away and continue your life.


Sharing your book with adik

Darling,

Back to your English-speaking nature. Your father thinks you prefer English because you love watching BabyTV, and the cartoons speak English and nothing but English! Maybe you don't give a flip about this now, but some day when you grew up and became a rebellious teenager, I'm pretty sure you will bring this up and place the blame totally on us o_O

My sweetheart,

One thing that has not changed since you were a baby is your fondness for going out and exploring the world. Ok, I'm sure by the time you can read this letter, you will roll your eyes at me and point out that it's a typical 2-years-old behaviour. So what's new? Gee mak, can you come up with a much more original observation? I know, I know, Mommy's being lame… But you have to know that at this time I'm too much preoccupied with my studies and the fact that I could still notice your development takes quite a bit of effort ok sayang.

Going out to the mall - your favourite pastime ever

But one thing for sure, I would always have my eyes on you and Khadeeja. When you both went to bed, I would spend a few minutes stroking your hair, thinking - God, they grow up so fast. I wish they would stay babies for a while longer. Please, let them be my babies for the rest of my life.

I love you both, most passionately, fiercely and tenderly.

Love,
Mak
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Just Call Me Carneyz | From Sarawak and Staying in Kuala Lumpur | Lifestyle Blogger | Traveller Blogger | Mom of Two Lovely 'K' | Blogger since March 2004

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