Letter Day 11

Dearest Khayla & Khadeeja,

Every night the same thing happens - I lie thinking of you two. I play videos of you, thanks to Makyeng and Ngah Bob. I kiss your still images, so in love am I with the two girls who rock my world and it is never the same again.

I walk this lonely path to finish something that I started 3 years back. When it's done, oh babies, I will hug you tight and never let go again. For now, sleep soundly and dream sweetly of me.

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Letter Day 10

Dear girls,

Once upon a time someone told me that a mother will never forget her children until the Day of Judgement comes. I used to think how is that possible? Surely for a moment she will cease to remember, like when she's engrossed or her children have grown up.

Well baby girls,

A mother NEVER forgets. Even when I woke up in the middle of the night my first thought would be, 'I wonder how my girls are doing.' When I walk, drive, do my research, I have you tucked safely at the back of my mind. Ever present, ever ready to surface when I pause and remember.

I miss you, I will say this every day without fail. Sweet dreams my sunshine and star-light, I love you.

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Letter Day 9

Dear Khayla & Khadeeja,

I hope everything goes well in your life now. It seems that you are enjoying yourself very much with daily trips to the playground and eating out. Counting the days till we meet again sweethearts!

Today I didn't call again, even though it took me a great amount of effort not to pick up the iPad to open Tango. I paced, I did the laundry, I pumped while thinking about Khadeeja, I watched tv as I think about you girls...

Then Makyeng sent me a video of Khadeeja, I wanted so much to call... Instead I went downstairs and did 10 laps at the swimming pool... Then I felt a bit better. I know, you are too busy exploring the world I doubt you even remember that I am not there.

The past few days I struggled to produce as much milk as the first few days. Normally I could pump around 18-19oz of milk daily. As at tonight, I barely made it to 18oz. Barely. There's something wrong with the pump, I think I better bring it to service centre to get it checked out. But fret not Khadeeja, mak will try my best to bring you enough milk supply to last you for a few more days. And... I trust Makyeng will make the ration last long enough while I continue to give my best to feed you with nothing but the goodness of breast milk.

Khayla,

I am not so worried about you darling, I know you are having a fun time there. You are very good at adapting yourself and as Bapak noted, you seem to love being in Bintulu more than here because Makyeng can bring you jalan2 everyday and Pakyeng's place has many cats to chase and plenty of space too.

Khadeeja,

I'm really quite sad to see that you are starting to lose your baby self as you learnt to stand up by yourself at this age. I'm even sadder that I'm not there with you and being the one to teach you how to walk. I'm so sorry my cupcake. When this is over, I'll try my best to make it up to you sayang.

It's 12 midnight now. I have a long day tomorrow and I am pretty sure you both are already in dreamland. So sleep tight my babies. Dream a little dream of me.

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Letter Day 8

Dear  Khayla & Khadeeja,

How are you darlings? I sure hope you are doing good, happy and thriving in the good hands of Makyeng. Do you miss me? I do, lots and lots. I can't wait for Saturday to come it feels soooo slow!

Sayang,

Today I decided not to call you. Not because I don't think about you both today. Every day, my mind wanders to the thought of you. Every hour of the day. When I sit down to pump more milk for Khadeeja, I take a deep breath of her worn shirt because that way I can imagine she's snuggled in my arms ready to be breastfed.

Well, not that I'm too busy either. I read some articles, did some laundry, did a few rounds of pumping milk, and worked on my assignment. Always during those tiket my thoughts revisit you two.

I know you are having a grand time over there and it saddens me that I can't be there with you both. I can't ask about your welfare, for fear of offending your Makyeng (it's not her fault babies, maybe it's the way I ask her that might sound across as accusation? Or maybe because Makyeng is just tired and rest-depraved from watching over you two active girls). Just that, Makyeng has done a lot of good stuffs and I have absolute trust in her.

But if I can't ask about you then what will I ask? So in the end I decided not to call. But don't be sad my sweet ones. This weekend we shall be reunited, Insya Allah. Then I can plant real kisses on your cheeks instead of just doing that in my head like now.

Kisses to you both my angels. Sweet dreams and dream of mak.

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Letter Day 7

Dearest children,

Today marks the 7th day of our separation. Like I said yesterday, it's still very painful for me to take each day in its stride. I am looking forward to meet you girls this weekend, so badly sayang! 

My babies,

I have had a troubling thought today. I am compelled by guilt to your Makyeng for dragging her in my problems. I know how much Makyeng treasures her independence - after so many years of raising children, she could finally have her life back. To spend the day as she pleases, to meet and hang out with her friends, to have their community activities that no doubt give her a sense of belonging, recognition and achievement. When you grow up, you will learn about this theory - it's called Maslow's Motivation Hierarchy. 

And suddenly I give her so much responsibility of looking after you girls because I'm too busy chasing my own achievement. Not only that, I am giving her lots of pressure to leave her comfort zone and stay here to look after you girls because I couldn't bear to stop breastfeeding or be away from you both.

Who am I to say my achievement is more important than her achievement? Who am I to make her leave her place just for my sake? I am her child, not the other way around. I should be the one playing the obedient role, not vice versa.

But I am your mother too, I have no one to turn to except the one person whom every child turns to in difficulty - my own mother. It's bad enough feeling guilty towards you girls for not looking after you two, I also feel guilty towards Makyeng for imposing on her life.

My precious diamonds,

You must be nice to Makyeng. Don't be naughty, don't quarrel and cooperate with her. You must be thankful that your Makyeng loves you very much that she's willing to look after you even though it means she has to sacrifice her personal time and not be with her friends.

Thank you Makyeng. We are sorry for putting you through this. We love you very much. May Allah reward you in plentifuls.

Khayla & Khadeeja,

Stay happy, healthy and good girls always. Mak love you lots. Dream a little dream of me.

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