Letter Day 13

Dear Khayla & Khadeeja,

Tonight we are back in KL without you girls. I'm so proud and yet sad at the same time that you girls didn't cry when we left. Although adik stretched your hands towards me but when I kissed you, you didn't protest. Khayla, are you mad at me sayang? You seemed a bit distant to me, preferring your Bapak to me, and rejecting my affection. I'm sorry to make you feel that as if I favored adik to you, but sweetie she's still a baby. 

Khayla,

I'm pleased that you are bonding well with your Udak and Usu, but especially so with your Udak. You see, last time she didn't even want to hold you because she's scared of small babies and little girls. But I think it's very hard for even the hardest of people to reject a sweet, cheerful and adorable little tot like you. When you constantly follow her around and playing with her, I think she just succumbs to your sweetness!

Adik Khadeeja,

For a while you had me thinking with horror that you are over with our special breastfeeding moment. The first few hours we were reunited, you rejected bf and even balked when I tried to persuade you to take it. Eventually when you were tired and sleepy, you finally relented and directly fed from me. But the moment you did, it was as if it's all coming back to you - and you didn't let go for the next 2 hours! 

The night before and the whole day today you seems to sense that I will be leaving you again and so you refused to let go. You clung to me like a magnet, and cried when I put you down. Khadeeja, at the airport just now you leant your head against my shoulder. I sensed how much you adore me and baby, I am already missing you so much :'(

Till we meet again my precious ones. Be good girls always. Love you so very, very much.

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Letter Day 12

Dear Khayla & Khadeeja,

9 more hours to go sweethearts, then we will be reunited Insya Allah. We went shopping and bought a few things to bring back to Bintulu. We did laundry, ironed our clothes, packed our bags and most importantly, packed the EBM that I have been storing over the past 2 weeks for my beloved Khadeeja. I hope Makyeng will be relieved to receive new stocks!

My sayangs,

Can't wait to see you girls, oh Allah, I hope they will be meeting me at the airport tomorrow. Because each passing minute that is bringing us closer feels like a month away. My babies, please wake up early and see Mak tomorrow.

Love you girls so many many many times! Sweet dreams my little butterflies.

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Letter Day 11

Dearest Khayla & Khadeeja,

Every night the same thing happens - I lie thinking of you two. I play videos of you, thanks to Makyeng and Ngah Bob. I kiss your still images, so in love am I with the two girls who rock my world and it is never the same again.

I walk this lonely path to finish something that I started 3 years back. When it's done, oh babies, I will hug you tight and never let go again. For now, sleep soundly and dream sweetly of me.

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Letter Day 10

Dear girls,

Once upon a time someone told me that a mother will never forget her children until the Day of Judgement comes. I used to think how is that possible? Surely for a moment she will cease to remember, like when she's engrossed or her children have grown up.

Well baby girls,

A mother NEVER forgets. Even when I woke up in the middle of the night my first thought would be, 'I wonder how my girls are doing.' When I walk, drive, do my research, I have you tucked safely at the back of my mind. Ever present, ever ready to surface when I pause and remember.

I miss you, I will say this every day without fail. Sweet dreams my sunshine and star-light, I love you.

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Letter Day 9

Dear Khayla & Khadeeja,

I hope everything goes well in your life now. It seems that you are enjoying yourself very much with daily trips to the playground and eating out. Counting the days till we meet again sweethearts!

Today I didn't call again, even though it took me a great amount of effort not to pick up the iPad to open Tango. I paced, I did the laundry, I pumped while thinking about Khadeeja, I watched tv as I think about you girls...

Then Makyeng sent me a video of Khadeeja, I wanted so much to call... Instead I went downstairs and did 10 laps at the swimming pool... Then I felt a bit better. I know, you are too busy exploring the world I doubt you even remember that I am not there.

The past few days I struggled to produce as much milk as the first few days. Normally I could pump around 18-19oz of milk daily. As at tonight, I barely made it to 18oz. Barely. There's something wrong with the pump, I think I better bring it to service centre to get it checked out. But fret not Khadeeja, mak will try my best to bring you enough milk supply to last you for a few more days. And... I trust Makyeng will make the ration last long enough while I continue to give my best to feed you with nothing but the goodness of breast milk.

Khayla,

I am not so worried about you darling, I know you are having a fun time there. You are very good at adapting yourself and as Bapak noted, you seem to love being in Bintulu more than here because Makyeng can bring you jalan2 everyday and Pakyeng's place has many cats to chase and plenty of space too.

Khadeeja,

I'm really quite sad to see that you are starting to lose your baby self as you learnt to stand up by yourself at this age. I'm even sadder that I'm not there with you and being the one to teach you how to walk. I'm so sorry my cupcake. When this is over, I'll try my best to make it up to you sayang.

It's 12 midnight now. I have a long day tomorrow and I am pretty sure you both are already in dreamland. So sleep tight my babies. Dream a little dream of me.

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