Thursday, August 18, 2005

Pindah Department (Lagi??)

Pepagi lagi Chairman dah hantar mesej,

'When u going to GH'

Peh... naper? Orang kat GH dah panggil ke? Bila aku datang nak tengok kat mane tempat aku, sumer dieorang tengah wat malu2 kucing.

'Akak, saya nak report ke GH nih. Where am I going to sit?' aku tanya kat Kak Eyna.

'You've got two choice, either share tempat ngan Chairman, atau kat hujung tu,' she pointed at the corner of the room.

'Or with me,' ada suara yg berkata. Aku buat2 tak dengar.
'Kat hujung sana la, kak. Mana2 je, tak kisah...'

'Azim cakap, dia nak dok ngan you...' Kak Eyna usik. Just buat muka bodoh, tanya kat Azim,
'Kenapa nak dok ngan kite?' Budak2 GH yg lain dah gelak. 'Dia tanya kenapa...'

'Azim, Carneyz cakap dier tak suka dok ngan orang smoking...' Kak Eyna bagitau mamat tu. 'A'ah.' Aku angguk kepala.

'Oh, klu mcm tu, esok saya berenti merokok...' Sekali lagi depa gelak ramai2. 'Sanggup tu...'

Ah, sudah la aku lepas nih... Tapi Jen cakap dieorang ok. Suka menyakat je. Alah, klu boleh survive masuk Engineering, takkan GH tak boleh? Hehe. Caiyok2!

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Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Gurisan Jiwa

Seperti malam2 sebelumnya, dah abis je drama tu pukul 9.30 mlm, aku tutup tv & masuk bilik. Belek2 magazine dalam 15 minit. Siap rekod masa belek magazine. Result, purata masa belek magazine dari kulit ke kulit memang tak lebih 15 minit. Sapalah ngajar aku baca dengan lajunya nih.

Malam semalam, tak de entry baru dalam diari. Tak de baju nak dilipat. Bilik dah kemas. Baju dah iron. Kira petak kat siling. Belek2 buku pulak.

Terasa nak sms orang plak. Orang yang mula2 aku nak sms ialah... dia. Tapi. Ahhhh..... hmmm... not a good idea. Siang tadi pun dia busy. Malam, mesti busy jugak. Lagipun, takut nak kacau dia. Takut dia rimas. Takut kredit dia abis. Takut aku akan sentiasa bergantung kat dia lepas tu. Macam2 perasaan takut. Akhirnya tak jadi. Ada suara dalam diri yang remind aku - whatever had happened between both of you, it was in the past. Forget about it. You're no one special to him now.

Yep. Betul jugak. Ok la. Aku batalkan hasrat tu. Mencari nama lain dalam phone book hp. Tetiba terjumpa nama lain yg buatkan dahi aku berkerut. Teringat balik time 2nd year, 3rd year & finally, 4th year yg bersejarah. Gile... Suke gelak terbahak2 ngan dia. Time ada problem, suka sembang2 ngan dia. Penah study sesama, buat assignment sesama & merepek2 sesama. Kalau ada apa2 yg buat aku gembira, dia antara yang pertama aku carik untuk share the news.

Walaupun dia ramai peminat, aku sikit pun tak penah ada perasaan kat dia. Sabar menunggu lelaki senegeri. Sebab tu, aku je yg jadi kaunselor nasihatkan dia pasal psikologi perempuan. Bila dia tanya bila nak ada 'abe', aku jawab, 'Bila jumpa abe Sarawak la. Dah, jangan tanya soklan merepek2. Aku smack down karang!' Then 4th year, tetiba ada krisis yang aku tak boleh maafkan. Kesudahannya, dia jadi kawan biasa, tak lagi kamceng rapat. Aneh, camane rapat pun kiteorang, tak penah sekalipun kuar sesama. Setakat jumpa kat kelas, kat fakulti, kat kawasan apartmen aku dulu. Tupun beramai2 ngan member2 yg lain.

So malam semalam aku hantar msg kat dia. Simple, mcm tiap2 kali aku antar msg dulu - 'A'kum. wey, aku tgh sedih la :( Cuba ko citer, camane nak buat aku hepi?'

Tak sangka plak dier reply. 'Ko jangan fikir sangat la pasal tu. Keluar ngan member2, jangan dok sorang2 je.' Tak banyak yang aku kongsikan kat dia, cuma nak dia nasihatkan aku camane aku boleh improve mood aku yg kejap2 ok, kejap2 tak ok. Last2, dia cakap,

'Aku dpt rasakan ko tgh sedih giler2 skrg. Klu ko perlu someone to share it, aku bersedia nak tolong.'

Agak terhibur bila aku baca mesej tu. Ko memang sahabat sejati aku. N... pepagi lagi dah kejutkan aku untuk Subuh.

Sebelum tertido (& tak sempat pun nak reply msg die!), merenung kejap nasihat dia, 'Jangan terlalu mengagungkan yang lepas. Sampai bila pun ko akan stay macam ni.'

Ko tak faham. Perasaan ni tak penah pudar. It's just that all these responsibilities that I cannot give up now. Bila mereka dah mampu berdiri sendiri, aku akan menarik nafas lega. Saat itu, barulah terlerai tanggungjawab yang terpikul atas bahu aku & kakak. Mungkin 2-3 tahun lagi. Yang pasti bukan sekarang.

Ya Rabb, sungguh ini dugaan-Mu yang paling menyakitkan. Moga Kau kurniakan ketabahan, setabah Ayub A.S.

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Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Aku tak nak terus-terusan macam nih.
Sekejap gembira, sekejap sedih.
Penuh harapan, penuh kecewa.
Penuh keyakinan, penuh kekeliruan.

Memang aku tau manusia ada pasang surutnya... tapi nih dah terlalu cepat & pantas. Bila aku ketawa, aku akan menangis. Hey, this doesn't feel right. Bukannya nak kena PMS pun. Lalu kenapa???

Aku pernah mendoakan:

'Dear God,
Please let me meet someone to catch my fall...
'Y r u sad? Tell me. I wanna help to make you not sad anymore.'

... someone who's happy when I'm happy...
'I understand what you feel. I dun want anyone of you to go, but I can't be selfish as to stop any of you from going. So, I wish u all the best of luck :) I'm happy if you're happy.'

... & someone who'll wipe away my tears.'
'Go back. Sleep. Rest. Everything's gonna be ok tomorrow.'

'Love me, someone.'

I promise, that I will not cry in front of you anymore. I will always laugh & we will stay this way. Until the day I go. My friend, thank you.

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Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Grafix Bidan Terjun

Arinih aku dimintak buat design last minute (mcm biasa lah...) untuk banting & banner kat car park.

Lepas 3 jam, aku pun created this design (for banting):



Then, haha! Berlakulah interaksi user-designer, as usual:

"Dear Carneyz & Macha,

Bunting design is fine, with the following revisions:-
our logo is to be placed at the bottom, please centralize and leave a clear white base/background of 1' height from the bottom,
to take away the coin image,
to increase size of '1' for "RM1", and
to rephrase as 'covered' instead of 'long term' for the car park, and
the text font (except for RM1) should be Arial.

Rgds,
Corp. Comm. Manager"

Aku terasa nak 'Wachaa!' je bila tengok betapa banyaknyerrrr komen ituh. Lepas 1 jam kemudian, aku pun revised design tu:



Aku ingat sumer dah setel la sbb dah memenuhi user requirements kan? Jadi boleh agak la betapa boringnyer aku bila dapat email nih:

"Dear Carneyz,
1. Revised design looks good.
2. For the horizontal layout, is that the exact proportion? If it is wider, and you have limited vertical height, you can place the logo to the right to give more space for the text, if necessary.
3. Just occurred to me, is it 'satu jam pertama' or 'jam pertama'?

Regards,
Corp. Comm. Manager"

Uish. Udah le. Aku balik je la. Besok baru nak sambung!

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Friday, August 12, 2005

Something that Jen said, made me have a headache over my sleepiness.

'What if the training doesn't end after September? What if it's still 1 year and a half... only the remaining half year we spend in permanent department?'
'Gosh, man. They promised.'
'Well, it wasn't written in black n white. Remember about the increment after 6 months in training?'

Oh, how I do recalled that. I remember stalling the time to sign the agreement because the verbal promise of increment after 6 months wasn't stated in written form. What did the HR Manager said to get us sign it?

With a wave of his hand, he assured us, 'Trump wouldn't lie about that.'

One year later, we know only too well what the management believe as motivational talk. Else, I wouldn't be attending every meeting with Usop with a oh-yeah-what-other-things-u-wanna-promise-this-time? look on my face.

Yes. The end of September is another word of mouth. The increment came, after an additional 6 months later. All terms remain unchanged, that's what the letter said. Does it also mean, training period also remains status quo?

'Or they said shortening the training period means, changing the remaining half year into permanent contract? So if we wanna get out, we still have to complete this balance of 6 months.'

The management, as well as us, have very crafty minds. Great minds dissuade in thinking.
I only hope that this time they came out clean & truthful about the training expiring soon.

Otherwise, what would I tell my next potential employer this Monday?

'I think I'll be available mid October. I think la...'

-p/s: u think la, does it hurt to hope? I keep myself alive with hope. Hope that tomorrow will be a better day. Hope that I'll reach my target weight. Hope this & that. So just by hoping that we can be friends, it brings back some of my life into me. Great wonders how listening to his voice keep the tears away. Keep on hoping, but don't make wishes. At least with hope, there's no time limit, but with wishes, I will desire until truth hits me hard that I can't have it. So in hope, I shall live.-

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