Updates At 7.34 pm

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I'm hungry. Bored. Overworked. There are more to go. I wanna go back home. I wanna eat. I wanna sleep. I haven't prayed yet. There are three more sections to go. I'm fed up of this whole thing. Darn it. I'm hunggrrryyy!!

... I miss Jen.

I wanna go take a break, meet God, say a prayer that I'll finish this soonest possible, go upstairs for dinner, save everything in my mp3 player, pack up and go home. I'm hungry. So so hungry.

The Words in the Communicator's Rather Messed Up Head

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I have the urge to blog at this particular moment, regardless of how bogged down I am with my works and there'll be a presentation meeting tomorrow of which (paused dramatically), I'm the presenter. Surprisingly, despite the cup of coffee I took this morning, I'm all cool & collected about this presentation stuff (there's a possibility of staying late in the office tonite).

I mean, all these words playing in my head, anxious to be typed down and expressed to the world. When I told my friends that part-and-parcel of being a Gemini is the need to communicate is always there, Jen had pointed out,

'But you're not like that. You're different from Shah (who happen to be a Gemini).'

Jen, I may slow down on my verbal communication, but well, I prefer to communicate my thoughts thru writings, or in this God-forsaken era, thru my blog. Whatever ways it is, I do communicate.

Then again, sometimes I wonder whether I'm at the point of insanity. Nobody would admit talking to themselves, that's nuts. But I do. I have this small part in my brain that NEEDS to judge everything. Judging means you need two sides of the story. So in my brain, there are two parties that always disagree with each other. One party says I'm nuts, the other says naah, I'm just living up to my star sign (refer to the 'Twins' nature of one born under the sign of Gemini).

So a Gemini will always communicate whether there are people or not. If there's such thing as intra-conflict, there's also intra-communication. It's called being introverted who likes to introspect inside one's self. End of story.

And no, that doesn't mean I'm schizophrenic. There's no small, sly voice inside my brain telling me what to do. So please don't be concerned that I should go to the nearest psychiatrist. I am perfectly sane, thank you very much. I never contemplate suicide, that's a sin worthy of eternal hell. Imagining myself falling backwards, arms open and eyes closed into deep, deep ocean when under stress does not count as suicidal thoughts - I just feel like letting go that's it.

I spent a boring weekend settling my accommodation in KL, then flying back to JB and chilling out with close friends talking about nothing and everything, me not contributing much to the thought process because I was so bummed out.

On Christmas day, I went to Skudai to help my friends move into a new house, of which was recommended by me via another group of friends. It's so nice knowing that I have a network of reliable friends and I've learnt my lesson not to take them for granted because over here, friends are closer than family. Without friends, I wouldn't be able to find a replacement house so quickly when my original choice of house was cancelled quite unexpectedly. And certainly without them, I would be sleeping in the office for over one month being a homeless person I am (the joke is turning stale but it's rather entertaining and helps to put the nasty part out of perspective so I can only see it as a joke, period).

Then I spent two days feeding fishes while lost in deep thoughts, only to note that humans are cruel, cheating race. They were not supposed to fish in the lake, but they did and they fished for fun. When the fishes are hauled to dry land, they watched the fish to die a painful death one gasp at a time, let their kids bring the carcass home and chucked it in the bin coz it turned smelly. I hope the fishes spent an equally enjoyable time during the Hereafter doing exactly the same thing to these bunch of inhumane humans. They should be banned from reproducing replicas of themselves of which they teach it's ok to kill animals for fun. Sniff. I'm being environmental-passionate pulak.

Well, I am kinda moody nowadays. The realization that I will be leaving Johor soon has sunk in and I am actually being well-composed of it - the reality is I feel like flinging myself to the ground and howl in desperation, then rolling around throwing a major tantrum because I DON'T WANT TO MOVE.

But move I have to, for the sake of future, and for the fact that I hope that my impending move will be good for everyone - friends and used-to-be friends alike.Things are rather complicated if I stay and thus it signifies that fate wants me to move on with life. Also because of love, I will sacrifice and risk what may come hurtling to me.

Laughing matter or not, I am capable of love rupa2nya. So there you are, the words that can't wait to get out of my head at the moment.

Letter to Yang Berhormat Trump (If I got the nerve to send this)

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Yang berhormat Datuk,

Setahun dah berlalu sejak saya duduk di depan Datuk dan Datuk telah menanyakan definisi globalisasi. Saya ketika itu takut2, dan berusaha keras menjawab soalan itu dengan betul kerana saya dah penat menghadiri temuduga serta sudah hampir kehabisan duit dan sangat terdesak memerlukan kerja itu.

Saya teramat inginkan kerja itu dan sanggup menghabiskan satu malam membuat research untuk tajuk yang Datuk berikan kerana Datuk mahukan esei itu pada hari berikutnya. Saya tak menganggap Datuk tak bertimbangrasa - saya tahu Datuk ingin melihat sejauh mana saya sanggup berusaha.

Sebelum saya mendapat kerja ini, saya menyara kehidupan dengan gaji yang cukup kecil, kerana saya telah ditipu oleh pensyarah saya sendiri. Mungkin juga dia tak bermaksud menipu saya. Nasib memang tak pernah adil, selagi saya bekerja di bawah orang lain. Tapi saya tak menyalahkan takdir, hmm. Mungkin ada perasaan kesal sedikit, tapi semuanya memang sudah ditetapkan Allah sebegini. Saya begitu bersyukur sebab walaupun gaji saya sikit, tapi hidup saya tenang dan seronok dengan kawan2 yang senasib.

Datuk,

Hari pertama memulakan kerja, saya begitu bersemangat. Saya mengisi borang dan diperkenalkan ngan Chairman 'from Minnesota University'. Kagum betul ngan kelulusan Chairman. Diperkenalkan ngan bos, dan diberi taklimat. Seminggu kemudian, Ainie dan Jen mula bertugas di sini dan juga Survivor. Kehidupan di tempat kerja semakin menyeronokkan. Masa yang paling menyeronokkan ialah waktu makan tengahari, di mana kami berlima menghabiskan masa bercerita (sebenarnya cuma kami berempat bercerita, Chairman masa tu lebih pandai mendengar cerita).

Mungkin surat saya dah melalut sikit. Maafkan saya kerana mengimbau kenangan mula2 bekerja di sini. Dari segi kerja, sayalah yang paling sibuk berlari ke sana dan ke sini. Pada waktu tu, Datuk mula memberikan saya tanggungjawab yang berat sedikit daripada yang lain, mungkin sebab saya dalam department ni. Tapi saya sungguh berbesar hati, Datuk. Setiap tanggungjawab ialah amanah, dan setiap amanah ialah kepercayaan. Saya rasakan Datuk percaya ngan kebolehan saya.

Tapi sampai satu masa perasaan ni berubah. Suatu peristiwa menyebabkan saya dituduh menjadi puncanya, nyaris2 mencemarkan nama baik syarikat. Saya dah berusaha apa yang termampu, melakukan semua yang dlm pengetahuan saya. Sungguh iman saya tergugat dan kredibiliti saya dipersoalkan. Rasa percaya pada syarikat sudah agak luntur ketika itu.

Datuk, mungkin kerana syarikat baru membangun, Datuk dah tak punya masa untuk kami. Kami kebingungan dan terumbang-ambing tanpa arah yang jelas, dan keraguan terhadap matlamat apa kami diambil di sini mula timbul. Dari satu department, ke satu department kami berpindah-randah, tak de siapa yang pasti untuk apa kami ditempatkan di situ. Akhirnya kami juga hilang matlamat dan semangat. Saya apatah lagi, Datuk. Seumur hidup saya jelas apa yang saya ingin lakukan, tiba2 bila meletakkan kepercayaan untuk pengurusan menetapkan matlamat hidup saya, saya dikecewakan.

Suatu masa, Datuk memberikan tugas sekali lagi kepada saya. Saya berusaha untuk melaksanakannya sebaik mungkin. Tapi entah di mana silap, tanpa usul periksa, saya dituduh tidak melaksanakan langsung tugas yang diberikan. Kali ini, perasaan setia dan semangat untuk berada di sini mati ngan tiba2. 8 bulan setelah pertama kali saya duduk di depan Datuk, saya sekali lagi menghadap Datuk, tapi dengan perasaan mati. Bila Datuk menghamburkan kemarahan di depan saya, sedikitpun saya tak ambil kisah. Saya sudah tidak peduli lagi.

Mungkin Datuk tertanya2 kenapa saya masih berada di sini kalau saya betul2 tidak berpuas hati ngan layanan Datuk selama ni. Saya sendiri pun tak pasti. Rasanya saya menunggu masa yang sesuai untuk saya meninggalkan semuanya. Sebenarnya saya dah bosan bekerja dan bekerja, hingga saya terkeliru apa matlamat hidup sebenarnya.
Datuk,
Saya rasa saya telah tertipu oleh dunia. Saya sudah hilang perasaan syukur pada nikmat, sudah terhakis perasaan dermawan dan kasih, sudah tidak punya masa untuk orang tersayang, sudah menyibukkan diri untuk ibadat - adakalanya untuk solat (Allah, ampunkan hambaMu ini), sudah jatuh cinta pada kebendaan, sudah tidak mahu menjaga adab dengan orang lain. Semuanya sejak saya bekerja di sini.

Akibatnya, saya sudah hilang ketenangan hidup, dan hilang pedoman. Saya sudah bosan ngan kehidupan terumbang-ambing ini.

Saya mahu kehidupan saya yang serba sederhana, walaupun susah dan perit, adakalanya mengikat perut untuk kesenangan keluarga di kampung, terjaga di tengah malam memikirkan bagaimana melangsaikan sewa, tapi penuh tawadhuk, terjaga dan bahagia. Semua kerana hati saya masih bersih, tidak disakiti dan menyakitkan hati orang lain dan saya lebih percaya rezeki Allah dari rezeki dari syarikat ini.

Saya mahu pulang, Datuk. Ke jalan itu walaupun terpaksa menanggalkan alas kaki yang saya pakai selama nih untuk berjalan di jalan yang penuh onak duri itu. Sebab akhirnya saya tahu saya akan sampai ke suatu tempat yang tenang abadi. Dan semua luka dan derita itu akan digantikan ngan kesenangan selama-lamanya.

Akhir kata, suatu hari nanti, saya akan kembali ke sana. Insya Allah Datuk, dan lepaskanlah saya dengan restu dan doakan saya agar terpelihara dari dunia ini lagi. Saya akan tetap mendoakan kejayaan syarikat ini kerana saya sayang orang2 yang bekerja di sini, yang telah membantu saya dan menceriakan hidup saya. Wassalam.

A Revelation of some sort.

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God forbid Adam to eat the apple but Adam touched it.

I was standing in a pharmacy waiting for my friend to buy her monthly stock, I don't have to point it out anyway coz the only time a girl entered a pharmacy is solely for that purpose. That, or more makeup.

Facing the rack opposite the rack where the monthly stock is kept, my eyes scanned the items in interest and the interest heightened when I saw two items in colorful boxes and bottles standing neatly in a row.

I took a step nearer and narrowed my eyes. Hmm. Started counting the number of different boxes that stared wickedly at me. There was eight different types after all and I thought there's only one type that existed in the whole entire world. Apparently, I was the frog under the coconut shell all this while.

The first box has three types of fruit shown on it. F-ru-it flavored?? What the fish?? Why the fish they need to make it with tasty fruit flavors? I grinned. The second box boasted a more advanced feature - it's ridged. My fingers tingled, I wanted to take it and turned the box around for instruction. The third box gleefully told me it's com-fit. I snorted in laughter, but kept on reading the next one. The fourth one, which happened to be the most sell-able item, was the thinnest. The fifth one had a love-shaped devil printed on it, for devils know why. I will have to come back to the same pharmacy for the details of the sixth, the seventh & the eight box.

I leant nearer and stole a glance at the bottles of lotion beneath the boxes. That was when I broke off in loud laughter.

Heavens! Mercy on me. It's like being in a workshop! I was tickled pink by the time my friends dragged me out of the pharmacy.

'Aku ingat gapo la mek nih tengok sampai khusyuk sangat pastu terbongkok2 gelak. Malu betul jalan ngan mu! Toksey bawak mu jale lagi!'