Dream Wanderer

There were angry voices. More people joined in. A pontianak under a tree, in the rain. I didn't know how it ended up in this scenario. I wasn't scared. I was just worried.

Worry is like small, small things mixed up with the big ones.

Then the scenario changed. All those important people, the datuks and the directors sitting around the meeting table. I wanted to give my opinion. I did not want to give my opinion. I am not willing to step up. It's not because I don't have an opinion, I told myself firmly, I just don't want to share it less they think I'm capable. Why is it I'm so scared of being thought as capable?

Somebody leant forward and told me, It's a dream, but it's going to be real soon. When you wake up, remember this. This is soon to happen. I nodded in affirmation. 'Like a deja vu right?' I said, knowingly. The whole board faded off into nothingness.

Then there was a series of events, involving my father, my sisters and my mother. They all had different directions to go and I was going through it again - the pains of pleasing everyone of them.

I was awake again, it was 7.28am. I missed my Subuh prayer. I did not remember the deja vu part. It had been important. It felt important. Maybe it's going to happen. Maybe not. I wonder whether I'll know if it happens.

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Why???

I am in a fixed situation.

One side is angry, the other side is hopeful. And I love them both.

The pressure is cracking me up. I hardly sleep for three days now, and when I sleep, I wake up so often because of angry people in my dreams.

I have been visiting tasik again. True, tasik is my sanctuary every time I am depressed. True, tasik UTM is still the best place. However, Tasik Titiwangsa will make do.

Sometimes, I bear a grudge against the hopeful one, because of this request, I am landed in this position. Serba-salah. Tapi tak sampai hati nak marah.

Sometimes, I feel wronged by the angry one, because I never intended to replace anybody with anyone. It's just a natural phase. Nature makes it this way. How come I am blamed for that? Tapi aku faham situasi dia.

At any time between these two, I just want to disappear from the earth's surface. Become a stone. A stone has no heart. No feelings. No predicament like mine.

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A Walk To Remember

To dearest Jen,

We did that, like we used to do millions of times. We laughed together - you, me & Ainie. We cried. We told stories that happened, we cried. We laughed. We agreed it was the best thing that happened to us. Oh yes, it is.

'You guys are the first Malay friends I have.' you told us. Then you cried. We cried.

'And the craziest, right?' I interjected. You laughed. We laughed. We did that, me in KL, you & Ainie way back in JB. We spilt tears because you're leaving. You're leaving for good.

You kicked up the leaves and the magic is lost...

Jen dear-rie,

I remembered the first time we met. You & Ainie, giggling over the employment form. You wanted to put your status as 'Janda' because Ainie told so. Chairman & tried to scare you both by telling the awful things we had done in the one-week period we were there. But we all became insaparable after that, right? We were there lunch, dinner, bowling, and all. We joked, we b*tched, we chilled, we rocked, we washed cars, we travelled 100km in a night, then back. For fun. Those were the days.

Those days we usually crash at Ainie's place, watching tv, chitchatting, three of us in bed with me falling asleep first while you two continued you chit-chat-ton. And waking up to Ainie's wake-up calls, Aunty's cooking, you curled up in bed always last to use the bathroom, going to work listening to radio & talking about Chairman (again... why was it our conversation always ended up analysing that weird guy? I always think it was Ainie's fault). And then sighing and complaining why we always ended up talking about Chairman. Then starting again, and ending up the same way. Until Care Bear existed, then we talked finally we talked about someone other than Chairman.

Then we sort of fell out because of new people coming in. Chairman went his own way, we had disagreements, we didn't speak to each other, but you were always there. I can't thank you enough Jen. I was mean, but you were patient with me. I love you the most, because of this part of you.

Jen, last week was a walk to remember. As we strolled in Jusco, you, me & Ainie linked arms together. If only Survivor was with us. We bullied Chairman tirelessly. We forced Ainie to eat at Sushi King. I have not met anyone who loved sushi as much as I do, ever since Eva went back to hometown. You & I, we are mad about sushi. We can spend hours (but not ringgits) at Sushi King. Had all those heart-to-heart talk.

So much I wanted to talk about you, but I can't. I'm like that. I keep everything inside until it exploded and I'll miss you so bad. I'll miss our Ramadhan bazaar trips, hunting for nasi kerabu. I'll miss hours we chatted through the nite on the floor in my room at your house, or nights we spent in the office, complaining, oh so much I'll miss about you! Even after I moved here, whenever I need someone to talk to, I could always pick up the phone and call you. But I won't be able to now.

Every memory of walking in the terminal, I found the picture of us in office till 4 am, It's hard to say it, time to say it, Goodbye, goodbye...

P/S: When I see anything pink, I will always think about you. Take care, Jen. Ur the Miss Universe (a.k.a. Evil Queen).

Jen --> 'One more word...' Knife brandished at Ainie.

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This Week

Finally!

The meeting will take place tomorrow at 9 am. Hopefully, Trump will not change the presentation. For the moment, I'm tired + hungry. My stomach rumbled a few times throughout the day. My brain:

'Oy! Dah la tak tido, tak makan plak tu??! You'd better earn RM100K per month salary to compensate for this penderaan, tau??!'

Penderaan? Talking about penderaan, I remembered my last weekend. Jen, Ainie & I were hitching a ride in Chairman's BMW. Dah la tumpang kereta dia, pastu mendera dia pulak tu.

'Pinch him, Jen.' (Ainie from the front seat)
'Can aah?' (Jen, sitting right behind the driver's seat)
'I thot you're the one with 'tangan ketam'? (Carneyz from behind Ainie)
'No. Jen pinches harder.' (Ainie)
'I pinch aah?' (Jen)
'.... (These crazy girls! $#@%! Chairman in his mind)
'.... SAKIT LAH!' (Chairman finally yelled)

Can you imagine that? All we had to go through to get him to speak? (terbalik pulak, not all he has to go through when he was with us) We have a recording of Chairman's voice, anybody? Bidding starts at RM1. All copyright go to Ainie. The Gila Kuasa.

Fast track to this week. From Monday until today, I attended meetings that lasted from 9.30am to as late as 6.30pm. Yesterday, as expected, kena bambu dengan Trump. Dah la kena bambu, boleh balas balik cakap dia.

'Why like this?'
'You said like that? Correct what?'
'No, I want it to be like this... bla2x...'
'Ok2x, I'll change later la.'

Suka2 aje ye, gaduh ngan CEO sendiri? Meh, cubit sket pipi yang chubby tu. My dad would have died in shame to have such an outspoken daughter like me. Tapi, aku kat rumah tak de ye. Anak yg wonderful, wonderful aje ;)

OK la. Nak balik dah ni. Ngantuks... zzzz...

'Carneyz! Waah! Like KL people now yeah?'
'Mana ader... Shut up, you! Shut up!'
'Waah... rude like one also...'

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Nak Kena Bambu Dengan Trump!

Arinih hari Ahad. Hari Ahad biasa aku bangun lambat. Tapi Ahad ni tak sebab aku kena keja. Aku geram ngan banyak orang. Antaranya:

1. Trump, sebab bagi aku projek yang kena keja ngan orang yang susah dan menyusahkan. Suka2 dia je nak suruh aku gi tempat terceruk kat Johor ni, tau aku tak de transport sendiri, dia tak kasi elaun apa2, dan aku pulak dah memang kena attend benda lain kat airport nih, kalau tak de aku sapa lagi nak buat. Aku tak minat la deal ngan orang gomen nih, buat sakit kepala, aku tak hingin nak belajar sumer2 nih.

2. Konsultan2 yang sepatutnya turun ke JB nih utk siapkan presentation tu, tapi tak turun plak. Pastu memandai2 nak kasi arahan kat aku suruh gi tempat terceruk kat Johor nih, dapatkan info yang dieorang nak utk taruk kat presentation. Aku berani jamin dieorang tak de punyer nak kasi aku kredit kalau presentation nih dah siap. Mentang2 aku paling muda korang nak membuli aku yek? Siap korang hari Isnin ni kalau aku kena bambu ngan Trump, korang sekali akan kena sama sebab korang yang tak turun ke sini. Pastu aku dah offer nak gi opis korang tengok presentation tu sesampainya kat KL malam ni, tapi korang yang cakap tak payah. Jaga korang kalau aku kena bambu dengan Trump! Korang tak tau lagi betapa MENAKUTKAN kannya aku kalau aku dah MARAH!!

3. Dieorang yang sepatutnya ada kat sini menyetelkan hal kat airport nih, tapi korang tak de, bagi alasan mengarut2. Kalau dah tak nak keja, berenti keja je lah, dok kat rumah tak payah susah2 lagi.

4. Group dalam projek Masters aku tu, aku angin satu badan nih!!! Korang ingat aku suka ke, keja ngan korang! Aku pun terpaksa gak, tapi aku profesional. Kalau dah server kat kampus korang kondem, korang gi la carik alternatif nak email bendalah tu kat aku. Yang korang dok bagi alasan server kondem, tak tau nak zip file, bla3x nih, macam orang tak belajar universiti nih kenapa? Camane korang boleh jadi researcher cam nih? Tak resourceful langsung. Sebab kalau aku tak dapat file tu, Trump akan bambu aku, aku akan bambu korang. Siap je la.

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