Selama 3 hari aku takde di Johor, ada urusan di KL. Aku balik ngan otak yang serabut & letih giler. Banyak benda nak kena fikir. Aku terlalu banyak berfikir, kekadang benda yang remeh-temeh pun aku nak fikir. Buat bodoh je, tak boleh ke?

Semalam, balik dari KL, bos aku bagitau something.

'Mr. Usop has asked me to inform you that you will be transfered starting next month.'

'So long and goodbye.' Aku tepuk bahu Ainie. 'Bye, Jen, bye Chairman.'

Sekilas pandangan Chairman aku dah agak apa yang dia nak cakap. But I thought you like Johor... Yes, in a way, it already felt like my hometown. I like Johor as compared to where I'll be next month, the people, the food, the memories I collected in this place. I will never forget any of the laughters, the moments, the tranquility and the flurry of time I spent here.

But my future is not in Johor. Or I don't foresee myself spending the rest of my life here. There was a time when I felt that I couldn't leave this place. When I was part of Fab 5 and we spent every hour together, the five of us anywhere and everywhere. We come in a package, we told everybody. If one of us go, then all of us will go...

There was a time when I had suffered a loss, somebody came and made me happy. Thank you. I can't thank you enough. You had been a true friend indeed. I wish I know how to repay your kindness. For these reasons, I felt like I wouldn't leave Johor. All that was in the past.

Then there was the heartache. The hurt. The helpless feeling like I had been trapped and desperately need to break away. The confusion of what my heart and my mind and my instincts are trying to tell me. The long contemplation. The hostility. The avoidance. The point of no return. Then I figured out, for the best interest of everybody around me, I would take this transition and go.

Semoga yang nak pergi, akan terus tinggal. Dan keadaan yang huru-hara ni, akan kembali damai.

August 2005:
'What I want to do, and what I have to do, are two different things. I want to stay, but I have to go. I am confused.'
'I will be sad when you leave. But if you feel that is for the best of you, I wish you well. I am happy when you are happy.'

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