Letter Day 16

Dear Khayla & Khadeeja,

Words can't describe how glad I am to chat with you just now. I am so relieved Khadeeja, that you managed to fall asleep so easily and without a fuss. One minute we were saying hi to each other and the next minute you were already off to dreamland! Nighty-night baby. Mak love you sayang.

Khayla,

More than anything I miss you sweetie. Your cheerful chatter, your laughter. Half of the joy in this house is gone when you are not here. I was so excited when you greeted me so cheerfully just now, exclaiming, 'Mak, where are you?' It sounds like you are also bitten by missing  bugs, like me!

God, I miss you both! I can't wait darling, to meet you two next week. I love you both so very much, nothing in this world means to me more than you two. Sleep tight and dream of me, my babies.

P/s: sorry I miss your letter yesterday. I was too tired from working so hard on my thesis framework :( but you are always in my mind and heart.

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Letter Day 14

My sweet angels,

It's been a busy day as I try to sort out my thesis writing so that it makes more sense. The truth is darlings, I am working at slow speed and I feel really frustrated about it. 

My problems aside, how are you both cupcakes? Did life settle down to the usual humdrum before our visit? I'm trying not to think about you both too much because I want so badly to finish my work on time so I can quickly fetch you and be your mom again.

I miss you both. I can't wait till this is over so we can be together again. Till then, good night my loves. Dream a little dream of me.

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Letter Day 13

Dear Khayla & Khadeeja,

Tonight we are back in KL without you girls. I'm so proud and yet sad at the same time that you girls didn't cry when we left. Although adik stretched your hands towards me but when I kissed you, you didn't protest. Khayla, are you mad at me sayang? You seemed a bit distant to me, preferring your Bapak to me, and rejecting my affection. I'm sorry to make you feel that as if I favored adik to you, but sweetie she's still a baby. 

Khayla,

I'm pleased that you are bonding well with your Udak and Usu, but especially so with your Udak. You see, last time she didn't even want to hold you because she's scared of small babies and little girls. But I think it's very hard for even the hardest of people to reject a sweet, cheerful and adorable little tot like you. When you constantly follow her around and playing with her, I think she just succumbs to your sweetness!

Adik Khadeeja,

For a while you had me thinking with horror that you are over with our special breastfeeding moment. The first few hours we were reunited, you rejected bf and even balked when I tried to persuade you to take it. Eventually when you were tired and sleepy, you finally relented and directly fed from me. But the moment you did, it was as if it's all coming back to you - and you didn't let go for the next 2 hours! 

The night before and the whole day today you seems to sense that I will be leaving you again and so you refused to let go. You clung to me like a magnet, and cried when I put you down. Khadeeja, at the airport just now you leant your head against my shoulder. I sensed how much you adore me and baby, I am already missing you so much :'(

Till we meet again my precious ones. Be good girls always. Love you so very, very much.

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Letter Day 12

Dear Khayla & Khadeeja,

9 more hours to go sweethearts, then we will be reunited Insya Allah. We went shopping and bought a few things to bring back to Bintulu. We did laundry, ironed our clothes, packed our bags and most importantly, packed the EBM that I have been storing over the past 2 weeks for my beloved Khadeeja. I hope Makyeng will be relieved to receive new stocks!

My sayangs,

Can't wait to see you girls, oh Allah, I hope they will be meeting me at the airport tomorrow. Because each passing minute that is bringing us closer feels like a month away. My babies, please wake up early and see Mak tomorrow.

Love you girls so many many many times! Sweet dreams my little butterflies.

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Letter Day 11

Dearest Khayla & Khadeeja,

Every night the same thing happens - I lie thinking of you two. I play videos of you, thanks to Makyeng and Ngah Bob. I kiss your still images, so in love am I with the two girls who rock my world and it is never the same again.

I walk this lonely path to finish something that I started 3 years back. When it's done, oh babies, I will hug you tight and never let go again. For now, sleep soundly and dream sweetly of me.

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Letter Day 10

Dear girls,

Once upon a time someone told me that a mother will never forget her children until the Day of Judgement comes. I used to think how is that possible? Surely for a moment she will cease to remember, like when she's engrossed or her children have grown up.

Well baby girls,

A mother NEVER forgets. Even when I woke up in the middle of the night my first thought would be, 'I wonder how my girls are doing.' When I walk, drive, do my research, I have you tucked safely at the back of my mind. Ever present, ever ready to surface when I pause and remember.

I miss you, I will say this every day without fail. Sweet dreams my sunshine and star-light, I love you.

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Letter Day 9

Dear Khayla & Khadeeja,

I hope everything goes well in your life now. It seems that you are enjoying yourself very much with daily trips to the playground and eating out. Counting the days till we meet again sweethearts!

Today I didn't call again, even though it took me a great amount of effort not to pick up the iPad to open Tango. I paced, I did the laundry, I pumped while thinking about Khadeeja, I watched tv as I think about you girls...

Then Makyeng sent me a video of Khadeeja, I wanted so much to call... Instead I went downstairs and did 10 laps at the swimming pool... Then I felt a bit better. I know, you are too busy exploring the world I doubt you even remember that I am not there.

The past few days I struggled to produce as much milk as the first few days. Normally I could pump around 18-19oz of milk daily. As at tonight, I barely made it to 18oz. Barely. There's something wrong with the pump, I think I better bring it to service centre to get it checked out. But fret not Khadeeja, mak will try my best to bring you enough milk supply to last you for a few more days. And... I trust Makyeng will make the ration last long enough while I continue to give my best to feed you with nothing but the goodness of breast milk.

Khayla,

I am not so worried about you darling, I know you are having a fun time there. You are very good at adapting yourself and as Bapak noted, you seem to love being in Bintulu more than here because Makyeng can bring you jalan2 everyday and Pakyeng's place has many cats to chase and plenty of space too.

Khadeeja,

I'm really quite sad to see that you are starting to lose your baby self as you learnt to stand up by yourself at this age. I'm even sadder that I'm not there with you and being the one to teach you how to walk. I'm so sorry my cupcake. When this is over, I'll try my best to make it up to you sayang.

It's 12 midnight now. I have a long day tomorrow and I am pretty sure you both are already in dreamland. So sleep tight my babies. Dream a little dream of me.

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Letter Day 8

Dear  Khayla & Khadeeja,

How are you darlings? I sure hope you are doing good, happy and thriving in the good hands of Makyeng. Do you miss me? I do, lots and lots. I can't wait for Saturday to come it feels soooo slow!

Sayang,

Today I decided not to call you. Not because I don't think about you both today. Every day, my mind wanders to the thought of you. Every hour of the day. When I sit down to pump more milk for Khadeeja, I take a deep breath of her worn shirt because that way I can imagine she's snuggled in my arms ready to be breastfed.

Well, not that I'm too busy either. I read some articles, did some laundry, did a few rounds of pumping milk, and worked on my assignment. Always during those tiket my thoughts revisit you two.

I know you are having a grand time over there and it saddens me that I can't be there with you both. I can't ask about your welfare, for fear of offending your Makyeng (it's not her fault babies, maybe it's the way I ask her that might sound across as accusation? Or maybe because Makyeng is just tired and rest-depraved from watching over you two active girls). Just that, Makyeng has done a lot of good stuffs and I have absolute trust in her.

But if I can't ask about you then what will I ask? So in the end I decided not to call. But don't be sad my sweet ones. This weekend we shall be reunited, Insya Allah. Then I can plant real kisses on your cheeks instead of just doing that in my head like now.

Kisses to you both my angels. Sweet dreams and dream of mak.

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Letter to My Girls: Khayla (33 Months) & Khadeeja (9 months)

Dear Sweethearts,

This year I strove to write a letter to both of you for each month you turned older. I'm sorry that I missed last month's update. It may be trivial to most people but to me, it means that I have lost the chance to capture the little memories I have with each of you, and the big milestones that you achieved as your bright minds absorb new knowledge and skills.

Let's take you as an example Khadeeja,

Last month you celebrated your first ever Aidilfitri. You were excited of exploring new places (huge space to crawl about back at the kampung!) but fretful of meeting new faces. Your first Hari Raya outfit was yellow kurung with purple polka dots and purple sarong, and I was so excited about putting on identical outfits for you and your sister.

Khadeeja crawling under a table at a relative's house!

A memorable thing about you this raya is how you liked to crawl under the table whenever we went raya visiting. Naturally that's you, always giving in to your budding curiosity and exploring your world. My little sunshine, I have every confidence that when you grow up you will be the brightest little girl in your class :)

My adorable mess :)

My precocious Khadeeja,

At 8 months old, you have grown 6 teeth, learnt how to stand and even how to climb. Yes, climbing. When other babies this age have just mastered the skill of sitting on their own, you have gone beyond that and are now climbing out of your walker. Mommy pengsan!

Climbing out of the walker!

Well, to give me even more headache, this month you upped your skills by walking baby steps. Walking, my mocha latte! A couple of times I caught you standing without holding onto anything. Then you took a few steps but when you realized that you were not holding onto anything you stumbled and fell on your cushy bum!

The good thing about you is you don't cry easily when you fall down. You simply continue crawling or trying to stand up again - life moves on for you. That's the spirit baby! You only cry when you are sleepy, want your milk supply, a cuddle, or when you fight with your sister.

My super adventurous Khadeeja

Speaking about sister fight, oh yes. Somehow some time between last month and this month, you stopped being meek and helpless when your sister pushes you or takes away your toys. Instead you fight back - shrieking, grabbing your sister's hair, pinching, and most recently, you even resorted to biting! Oh no, Khadeeja!

Both crying when fighting

I'm amazed but appalled at the same time - what kind of girl am I raising who can fight back at the age of 9 months? The things you can do Khadeeja, can leave me speechless. Not you though. When you are in a passionate mood, you will let the world know your feelings - shrieking in fury, or in excitement during one of those days when your sister obliged and played with you.

Loving your first swing ride all by yourself!

But above all, your most awesome achievement this month is you uttered your first word. Unlike your sister whose first word was 'Bapak', you opened your mouth and spoke, 'Mak.' I felt like bursting into tears! It felt so good to being acknowledged by my 9mo baby!

Helping mak to clean the bowl after baking is done

And then there's my beautiful little Khayla,

If Khadeeja is the apple of my eyes, then you are my rainbow that lifts up even the gloomiest of my days. Khayla, once upon a time, I used to fret because you weren't talking in full sentences when others your age have done so. Last month you stopped going to school, but strangely your vocabulary started to improve and you are now talking properly. To make it more amazing is, you chose to speak in English, even though we spoke in our mother's tongue to you.

Among your favourite expressions are, 'I have an idea!' 'I have another idea!' 'So how leh?' (a mixture of English and Mandarin), 'I see...' and the most frequently used, 'Khadeeja, no. Dangerous!'

'Don't run, mak. Dangerous!' while running herself. Hehe

The most adorable thing about you and your little speech is the fact that when you do something nice to others, you would prompt them to thank you. Like, when you give a toy to Khadeeja you would stand in her face and repeatedly say, 'Thank you Khadeeja?' And since your baby sister still could not understand the concept of gratitude, I had to step in and thank you on behalf. Only when you receive your thanks, you would move away and continue your life.

Sharing your book with adik

Darling,

Back to your English-speaking nature. Your father thinks you prefer English because you love watching BabyTV, and the cartoons speak English and nothing but English! Maybe you don't give a flip about this now, but some day when you grew up and became a rebellious teenager, I'm pretty sure you will bring this up and place the blame totally on us o_O

My sweetheart,

One thing that has not changed since you were a baby is your fondness for going out and exploring the world. Ok, I'm sure by the time you can read this letter, you will roll your eyes at me and point out that it's a typical 2-years-old behaviour. So what's new? Gee mak, can you come up with a much more original observation? I know, I know, Mommy's being lame… But you have to know that at this time I'm too much preoccupied with my studies and the fact that I could still notice your development takes quite a bit of effort ok sayang.

Going out to the mall - your favourite pastime ever

But one thing for sure, I would always have my eyes on you and Khadeeja. When you both went to bed, I would spend a few minutes stroking your hair, thinking - God, they grow up so fast. I wish they would stay babies for a while longer. Please, let them be my babies for the rest of my life.

I love you both, most passionately, fiercely and tenderly.

Love,
Mak

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Letter Day 6

Kehadapan anak2 mak sayang,

Hari ke-6... Rindu mak terhadap Khayla & Khadeeja semakin kuat, cinta. Malam ni mak masih tak boleh tidur, mak masih terbayang2 wajah kalian. Senyum tawa kalian memberi semangat kepada emak. Bila kalian tiada, mak gelisah.

Khadeeja yg emak rindui,

Malam tadi rindu mak tak tertahan, mak ambil baju Khadeeja yang belum dibasuh. Mak cium, mak pegang erat, peluk dan bayangkan Khadeeja dalam dakapan mak. Sungguh mak rindu Khadeeja!

Mak dapat rasakan Khadeeja hadir dalam mimpi, bau Khadeeja buatkan mak hiba. Mak tak sekuat yang disangka... Malam2 tidur mak masih berteman air mata. 

Ya Allah, kirimkan cintaku kepada anak2ku. Kepada Khayla yang sentiasa menceriakan hidupku, dan kepada Khadeeja yang masih kecil mulus, namun seluruh cintanya milikku.

Sayang emak,

Mak sedih setiap kali mak dengar lagu Hafiz 'Bahagiamu Deritaku'. Air mata mak mengalir bila mak dengar lirik, 'Mengapakah aku jadi lemah, sungguh ku tak sangka, dia membawa jantungku bersamamu...'

Kerana mak tau bagaimana rasanya bila jantung hati dan wajah kesayangan mak dibawa pergi jauh dari emak.

Selamat malam sayang. Mimpi kan emak selalu.

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Letter Day 5

Dear girls,

I miss you both. When I go somewhere and I saw girls your age, I start to think about you. Have you eaten? Are you ok? Are you happy?

Life feels incomplete without you. I thought I could pretend that my life has been reset to the time before you girls came into my life but no. I can't. Every part of my life, every cells on my body, every thoughts that go through me - have been touched by your presence. How then do I undo all those?

My loveliest daughters,

Right now, what wouldn't I give to take you both in my arms and kiss your cheeks, breathe in your hair and skin, knowing that I am the most blessed person in the world to be given a pair of angels - my very own angels.

Goodnight babies. May Allah help us in going through this struggling period.

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Letter Day 4

My dear children,

I pray to Allah that you both are in His protection as you and I have always been. It's been a rather laidback day compared to the past few days sweethearts. I've passed my Chapter 1 yesterday, done my CB report and was supposed to present today but my partner took sick leave so no presentation.

At times like this I wish so much that you girls are here. The house is too quiet without you both. I didn't find tv so entertaining, and preferred watching you both during vid-call.

Today Makyeng uploaded a few more photos of the two of you playing a piano at her friend's house. She made a funny caption which, when people look at the photo it seemed to fit the caption. Haha, funny Makyeng.

Then at night Makyeng sent a photo of you standing by yourself, Khadeeja. Aww.. Please darling.. Don't grow up too fast. I still want to savor your babyhood moments. It seems a while ago that I gave birth to you :(

Anyway sayang,

Makyeng told me that you seemed upset today after our vid-call last night. I was pumping while watching you with Makyeng and you saw me doing that and suddenly you remembered that you haven't had the real thing for a few days now. You cried and refused the bottle. I'm so sorry munchkin!

She also said that you kept looking behind her Notes phone because you thought I was hiding behind it. That was certainly sad :( mak didn't mean to make you feel terrible sayang. Be patient ok, I'll be there in a couple of weeks.

Khayla,

I wish we could chat a lot longer just now, if you didn't conquer the phone and became distracted by the games function! Seriously sayang, I miss you and want to see your face and listen to your babbles, hear you call me, 'Mak' or 'Mommy' in that manja tone. Not to play games! I'm sorry I ended the call earlier.

Girls,

Something great happened today. I was looking for business attire for class presentation today, so I tried on my old knee-length blazer and a blouse I bought from Banana Republic which costed me RM200+ 3 or 4 years back and somehow couldn't fit into it again after I gave birth.

Guess what? Now I could fit in those clothes again! I'm so happy! 

Another thing that made me happy today is I managed to pump close to 19oz BM (9oz in the morning, 4oz+ in the afternoon, and 5oz+ at night). That's an increase from the past 2 days, hopefully I will collect enough milk to last you for a while, adik.

Ok sayang, I really have to be off. Counting the days till we meet again. I love you both with all my heart. Sleep tight, dream a little dream of me.

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Letter Day 2

Assalamualaikum kakak and adik,

I trust that you are happy and settling down fine in Bintulu, my sunshine and moonlight. We have passed day 1 but it has been very hard for me. I hope it was not so difficult for you both, but I'm sure adik still miss mak kan, sayang?

Last night I could not sleep a wink. I looked at your photos and your video and wrote a letter to you. At around 2am, I felt so lonely and the house so quiet without you that I started to cry silently. It was hard, my sweethearts. My tears kept trickling out until my heart felt like bursting and I let out a low sob. Bapak woke up to find mak crying, pining for you girls especially for Khadeeja.

This morning, I woke up and I could not open my eyes for a few minutes because they were so swollen. When I did open them, I searched for adik's pyjama that you wore yesterday and buried my nose into it. It brought little relief, but at least I could imagine Khadeeja's presence even when it only exists in my heart.

My dear daughters,

Tonight after class, I checked Makyeng's Facebook and saw that she has updated some photos of you girls. I see that you are enjoying yourselves already in Bintulu. Khadeeja, I can't believe that you are already riding that tricycle :) Makyeng told me that you finished around 12oz of EBM so far, that's great darling. Keep it up. I am also making sure that I pump as frequent as I could, so that I will bring home more supply for you ok?

Khayla, listen to Makyeng sayang… Take your bath, no arguing and no running away. Like Bapak always says - 'No hiding-hiding!'

I am glad that you both are happy and getting all the love and attention that you girls deserve. Bapak and mak are sorry that we could not be there for you girls at this moment. Take care my cupcakes. Be happy. Be well.

Dream a little dream of mak tonight.

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Letter Day 1

Dear Khayla & Khadeeja,

How are you babies? Did you have a good flight just now? I hope you both are settling down well at Makyeng's. Khadeeja, mak pray tonight you will sleep soundly and sweetly - even when it's your first night away from me. 

Just now on our way back from the airport, mak cried buckets of tears thinking of both of you. The memory of Khayla crying and stretching your hands towards us as your Ngah carries you to the departure hall keeps re-playing in my head like a broken record. It just breaks my heart that we have no choice but to do this - to send you both away so that we could concentrate on our studies.

My sweeties,

Are you feeling sleepy already? Have you had your dinner? Mak is wondering what are you both doing now. We had so much fun last night, playing rough-a-tumble. When I caught you girls by your ankles and turned you in somersault, you both giggled so hard. Khayla, remember you kept asking me, 'Some more angkat, mak! Angkat Khayla!' And after your turn, you remembered to take turns with Khadeeja and asked me to lift your baby sister. So much fun (even though it's tiring for me!) wasn't it?

Hush adik, go to sleep. Makyeng is tired after a long journey today. Thank God for technology nowadays, I could make video calls and watch you girls from afar. Khayla, have you stopped jumping on the bed? It's time to sleep ok. Khadeeja, no crying. Else mak will start to cry too.

Adik, tonight mak came home to an empty house. Mak is so used to receiving your greetings - Khayla opening the door, Khadeeja crawling from the living room and throwing your small body at me. So much love, so much adoration reflected in those huge eyes, that dimpled smile... Masya Allah, I just melt inside every time I look into those beautiful eyes. It reminds me of Martina McBride's song - 'In My Daughter's Eyes':

In my daughter's eyes I am a hero

I am strong and wise and I know no fear

But the truth is plain to see

She was sent to rescue me

I see who I wanna be

In my daughter's eyes

And when she wraps her hand

around my finger

Oh it puts a smile in my heart

Everything becomes a little clearer

I realize what life is all about

How I wish I could have your fingers wrapped around mine right now, darling. Khayla & Khadeeja. So many nights we fall asleep together, both of you lie with heads nestled in the crooks of my arms, Khadeeja reaching out to my lips as you breastfeed, and Khayla running your hand up and down my arm. Oh my babies, my heart is aching for you now!

Khadeeja,

In the car when we were going to the airport, I cuddled you and let you breastfeed. You stared at me throughout half of the journey, as if you could sense our separation. Such a wise child you are, wise beyond your 9 months of age. I told you to be a good girl, to listen to makyeng and not to bite your sister.

Before you left, I hugged you tight and desperately inhaled your scent. Locking all essence of you in my memory. Your thick lock of hair smelled of sweat from your strenuous efforts of taking baby steps at the airport. Your chubby cheeks smelled of your saliva, they say it's the smell of baby's breath and it is the sweetest smell in the world. When I buried my face in your neck, you squirmed but you let me do that. Baby, only Allah knows how sad I am for I would be missing this time of your life. I would probably miss your first proper walk (although you did attempt and manage to walk 3-4 steps on your own towards me the night before). You are only 10 months old once!

Khayla,

I miss our conversations already. I recall a few nights ago I was doing my assignment when you wandered in to check on me, 'Mak what are you doing?' I replied, 'I'm studying, sayang.' You nodded in understanding and commented, 'Study? I see...' And I wanted to grab you and plant kisses on my cheeky little tot! Sometimes I forgot that you are only 2 and a half, because you sound so grown-up now. But when you climb into bed next to me and throw your arms around me, it never fails to make me realize that you are still so small, still my little baby of 31 months old!

I'm going to stop writing now, my angels. If I continued on, I might get teary-eyed again and cried myself to sleep. I want to go to sleep dreaming of your sweet smiles and baby laughter. Sleep tight darlings. Say nighty-night and kiss me. Dream a little dream of me.

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Letter to my girls: Khayla (31 months) & Khadeeja (7 months)

To my little angels on earth,

Last couple of weeks you both turned a month older, Alhamdulillah. It's almost hard to believe that a lifetime away I was just obsessed about work, but now I'm obsessed about your milestones and oh boy, what many milestones you girls have achieved so far!

To the sweetest baby in the world named Khadeeja,

The day that I feared has finally arrived - all of a sudden you started to talk back to us and giving your own opinion! Not funny that you love repeating us telling you 'No' - 'No Khadeeja, don't climb the TV cabinet!' 'No Khadeeja, don't eat that thing from the floor!' 'No Khadeeja, don't pull your sister's hair!' And you cheerfully replied, 'Na, na, na, na...' Occasionally you said, 'Ta, ta, ta...' too. Sometimes when you get all excited you punctuated your babbles with loud shrieks and flapping of arms to stress your point. All in all, you are the most expressive baby I've come by and that worries me a little because it means the day we argue on every single thing from boys to clothes to how to fry an egg are fast approaching!

'Naaaaa.....'

Last month also had been a challenging month as it was the fasting month and we were super busy supplying food at the campus. What made it challenging was not the cooking or the food packing, no. It was because you simply hate to be left on your own even though I was just a few meters away in the kitchen. When I put you on the floor or in your walker, you started to wail and cry big fat tears that will turn to a full-blast tantrum till you were blue in the face. You can really cry hard till no voice came out - you were that determined to force me to stop my work and carry you.

I could ignore your cries if you just stay put in one place but no. Since you could crawl and stand up against my legs, you made it difficult for me to ignore you! So in the end I had no choice but to schedule my tasks in short bursts and scuttle around doing a lot of things while you took short naps, but oh boy, it was exhausting!

Climbing has become your latest skill!

My sweetheart,

On the bright side, you have become less fussy and could sit quietly in your car seat as we made our daily trips to the city campus in the evening. The reason is because you have shown strong interest in this awesome thing called baby CD which I put on in the car before we started our journey. You love watching this CD of nursery rhymes called 'The Wheels on the Bus' series and could get so preoccupied with it throughout the journey! :D The moment I put you in the car seat you would automatically looked at the TV screen expecting to see the cartoon played!

Cartoon fan

And you also gained so many admirers on campus who think you are the best stress-buster. You are probably the most popular person on campus as we got so many requests from fellow students wanting to carry you during break time. There's this lady from China who adores you so much that she would stop by every day just to say hello and kiss you :) awww... 

Helping to sell the food by being oh-so-cute!

My precious gem,

Another happy progress is your enthusiasm at trying out new food - the flavour of the month happened to be puréed avocado which you love with a gusto. You also love trying out various other food from jelly to noodle, and I hope your healthy appetite will continue on, Amin.

Uncle Sodep helping to feed you

Now to my darling firstborn, Khayla,

My singing bug. My talkative parrot and hilarious copycat. You are my sweetheart, the one sunshine that brought so much joy, especially at this age. Sometimes you can try my patience too when you become so stubborn and have discovered that you have control over your own life! 

Must watch BabyTV first before going to school

Khayla sweetie,

Let's talk about this stubbornness that suddenly popped out of nowhere. You have become pretty much independent lately and have your own opinions on what you like and dislike. For instance, the other week you wanted to put on your shoes by yourself but because we were in a hurry, I helped you with the task. You flew into a rage because you wanted to do it yourself! So you insisted to take the shoe off and then put it on again unassisted.

The same thing happened when you demanded to sing your favourite tune. If I dared to sing other songs, you would shriek, 'Noooooo!' and become so upset. Your favorite song now is 'Please don't cry', which you never got tired to ask me to sing it for you, 'The Wheels on the Bus', complete with cute actions (and you would correct me each time I sing 'round and round' instead of 'up and down' like you want me to), and recently you also love 'Xiao Lau Shu', a Chinese nursery song you learnt at school about a little mouse.

Khayla at her first school trip

After fetching you from school, you normally refuse to leave the car and walk by yourself to our apartment. This is where my parenting skill have evolved - at first I used force and we would have a screaming fit and huge tantrums as I attempted to drag you upstairs while balancing Khadeeja on my hip. On days I don't have the energy to fight with a feisty 2-year-old, I would simply carry both of you upstairs but it became terribly exhausting during fasting month.

So, I changed tactics to bribing you to a short trip to the playground. You love the playground! Mention the word 'playground' and your stubborn demeanour resolve, and you would skip your way to the playground :)

'See-saw, mak...'

My super adorable tot,

In terms of food, you are a typical two-year-old true and true. You and food don't get along well unless the food is coated in sugar, chocolate or cheese - otherwise known as 'junk food' or 'snack'. The best healthy food you could stomach are raisins (your all-time favourite snack which you could finish the whole box in one sitting), and certain fruits (apple, banana, corn). Other than that, you are happy to go without food. Whenever it's mealtime, I have to chase you to get you to eat a spoonful of rice, and if I am lucky, I could get you to eat chicken or fish with rice. So far, any attempts at getting you to eat vegetable have been futile. Seriously, secretly I think your teacher was just trying to cover your back when she mentioned that you could finish your greens at school, where else at home you would rather vomit than eat anything green! (except the green M&Ms!)


Another thing my dear, is your relationship with your sister. Somehow, this month you are back to treating your sister like an annoying bug. Why, Khayla? I simply could not understand why you could not get along with Khadeeja where else Khadeeja simply adores you. Whenever Khadeeja was happily playing (or poking around with stuffs at the tv cabinet like any curious 7-month-olds), you get upset easily and would pull her with a loud command, 'No, Khadeeja!' Then Khadeeja would tumble down, sometimes knocking her head on the floor with a surprised look on her face, before wailing in hurt!

I get very upset too. I would pull you back, and demand why you treat Khadeeja like that. You have that 'uh-oh, I've done something bad and I just realise it' look on your face. As a punishment, you would have to sit in a corner. After a while, I would call you and you would kiss my hand and caress Khadeeja's head to say you are sorry, but half an hour later, you would do the same thing again!

The rare moment when you could be sweet to Khadeeja

The other day, Bapak caught you in the act of pulling your sister and making her bump her head on the floor. I think it was just a thoughtless reflect - he pulled you back and smacked you hard on your hand. You looked dazed as Bapak shouted at you for hurting your sister, but you didn't cry. You stared defiantly at him as if saying that you did nothing wrong teaching your sister not to touch with Mommy's stuff, that I felt sorry for you. Still, I intervened and you knew immediately what you have to do, even asking me, 'Sit there?' and voluntarily went to the corner to sit and punish yourself!

Both sisters enjoying apple slices

My cheeky Khayla,

Despite your stubbornness, your less-than-sisterly act towards Khadeeja as well as love for junk food and playground, you have improved your vocabulary by leaps and bounds. You can name a lot of things now that I cannot list them all here, complete with adjectives to describe them. And, you have very good memory too. You especially love the puzzles games in my iPad and can memorise which piece goes where after just a game or two. Bravo my darling!

Baby girl,

I just hope that in your heart, you would find the mean to accept Khadeeja as your little sister. I know you still want us by yourself, it shows my sweetie. The way you nuzzle your head against mine, the way you hold my hand so possessively, how you love it so much when I choose to hug and cuddle you over your sister. But remember I told you last time that I love you both equally, not an ounce more or less?

Smiling with each other

Well, sweethearts, I love you both dearly.


With all my heart,
Mak

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Letter to My Girls: Khayla (29 Months) & Khadeeja (5 months)

Dear sweethearts,

My apologies - I've been dawdling on this month's letter until it dawned on me that the next one is due in a couple of days! I have to whip my lazy bum bum and start writing because one day, when I'm old and wrinkled, and hardly able to feed myself, this letter will remind both of you that you owe me BIG time, girls! Khayla for the amount of time I chased you with a bowl of rice while you ran helter-skelter because you refused to eat. And Khadeeja - my sweet little Khadeeja, for the laborious effort I took to mash bananas, carrots and sweet potatoes, and mix it with breastmilk plus lots of love - because my 5 months old has decided to follow in her sister's footstep of starting solid early!

Let's start there, Khadeeja. The moment you tasted food, glorious food.

Sometime after turning 5 months old, I noticed that your drools have become more than just a passing hobby - something to pass the awfully slow time while you grow up. Whenever we all sat at the dining table, you watched with interest as we ate our meals. Then you drooled. And grabbed something - anything, to shove into your mouth.

My chubby, jolly baby early in the morning

You are no longer sleeping fitfully throughout the night as you did when you were four months old. Several times you woke up searching for my boob and the way you suckled so hungrily and so enthusiastically sent an alarm signal to my brains - this baby of mine is ready to be weaned! Where did those few months go, how fast time flies!

The first time we fed you mashed banana, you were so eager and leant forward with open mouth. The moment you realised that unlike other objects you kept trying to put in your mouth this one actually tasted nice and edible, you swallowed it like a pro. This was not in the case of your sister previously because her first meal ended up mostly on her bib. Not you though - most of your first meal safely ended up in your tummy and I had very little clean-up to do after that. Bravo, Khadeeja!

So far you have had a taste of banana (which you love), carrot (which you don't, and kept spitting it out with the most outrageous sound!), mango (you enjoy having it in the baby feeder, which you can hold yourself and shove in your mouth) and sweet potatoes. Occasionally I gave you baby cereal rice as well, which most of the time you eagerly finished without much complaints.

Someone's sitting in baby chair for the first time!

My super-adorable baby,

This month also marked another significant milestone - you could sit unassisted. This way, you enjoy your toys so much more because you can busy your hands pushing buttons and cranking sticks on the toys :) While you were on your front, you could also push yourself up in half-sitting position - almost like doing a one-hand pumping!

I can sit!

But sitting still and playing is not really your cup of tea. No-uh. You prefer to half-crawl, half-wiggle your way all over the living area, the dining area and even attempted to go down the hallway if we let you. If you must have a middle name, I am tempted to name you 'Makcik Kepoh-chi' for the ultra-curious nature that you show at this age.

Exploring the tea leaves at Cameron Highland

Yes, for a five months old baby, you love exploring every niche, nook, corner and whatnots of this house. Everything fascinate you even for just a short while. To make it worse, your hands are super-quick to grab at things - even your sister's hair and especially her favourite possessions. Then all hell break loose and I ended up having two babies bawling out their lungs!

Wanting to grab the lit birthday candle while your sister protested

Sadly to say, you hate travelling that the moment we buckle you up in the car seat you scream, twist your body in protest and cry big fat dramatic tears! It isn't the idea of motion-sickness that makes you miserable - no. It's the fact that you have to sit quietly in the car seat, or in our hands when your father grew tired of hearing you throwing fits in your car seat - that sent you to the edge. Being confined is a dreadful experience to you because you can't be mobile and explore your surrounding. Our recent trip to Cameron Highland was an excitement until the time we have to travel in the car - and then I wished that I have a time machine so that we could spent just a moment in the car on our way back to KL.

Not such a happy traveller

And then there is my other, adorable little toddler named Khayla.

Dear Khayla,

One day you came back from school and surprised me with the sweetest gift ever - Mother's Day gift! Whoa! I never dreamed that I would be celebrating Mother's Day before you could talk in proper sentences or narrating your day at the school, yet here you are handing me a bouquet of flowers and a big, heart-shaped card with your hands' prints on it! My heart was practically bursting from so much pride of being a mother to this wonderful little girl!

She made this Mother's Day card herself!

This month you are ultra-happy because two great things happened - one, you had 2 weeks school break and therefore did not have to battle it out with your father on having to wake up early and taking a shower to go to school (joy, joy!). Two, Mak Yeng is here and that means you can go for 'walk-walk' every day! Mak Yeng and you shared the same passion for car ride and window-shopping, so it is no surprise that you are her favourite granddaughter.

So many wonderful things happened this month as well - you've perfected the 'Gwiyomi' act, went swimming almost every day and you even surprised us when you sing the national anthem. You continued to add a lot of words in your expanding vocabulary, which you enjoyed pointing out and exclaiming them whenever we came across one.

You exclaimed, 'Aahh… Stobeli!' when you saw this replica of strawberries

Another notable development this month is you can already share some of your toys with Khadeeja without much coaxing. Like the other day you offered a rattle to her in exchange for the toy you want to play yourself. Mak Yeng said one day you came back from school and then sat with your sister with a book. Then you began pointing pictures in the book, asking her 'What's that, Khadeeja?' before answering your own question, 'Giraffe!' I guess you have been busy observing us as we read books to you and Khadeeja and even brought both of you to the children's library recently. You also offered to comfort your sister when she wailed in the car, shushing her and telling her, 'Look Khadeeja! Sky!' in your attempt to distract her. For that, I love you :)

You like the idea of blowing candles and singing 'Happy Birthday'

My darling daughters,

I just want to say that I don't regret my decision to get off work this year so I could spend my time being around you two. Every day you both came up with something new to make me fall even more deeply in love with you. Watching you both grow up in front of my eyes - are just too precious. If I could freeze time, I want this year to never end and you two stay the same - delightful, loveable and cuddlesome for as long as I live.

Sweet sisters sleep together

Love you both incessantly,

Mak

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Letter to My Girls: Khayla (26 months) & Khadeeja (2 months)

Dear Khayla & Khadeeja,

I'm sorry that this has been very much overdue darling daughters. I am not sure what is wrong with Blogspot because I've typed a lot of words lovingly to depict the progress made by both of you and I've no idea where did all those words gone to! Grr… Perhaps I should switch to Wordpress now, eh? EH?

Ok, sabar… I'll give Blogspot another chance this time.

This month both of you turned a month older. A month is just another month for grown-ups like Mak and Bapak, but for both of you, it means one of you can sing Twinkle-twinkle Little Star in a more coherent manner, and the other has outgrown a lot of those cute little one-sies.

Khadeeja my chubby-licious baby,

I'm just so madly, deeply and irrevocably in love with you, sayang! For a two-month old baby, you are quite advanced in terms of social development. Perhaps because my pregnancy hormones this time were less raging and I was not such a dragon when I was pregger with you? I don't know, but I'm so enjoying you right now. Why you ask?

First. There's your chubby cheeks, just asking to be kissed and smooched all the time. Then those chunky arms and legs, making me feel so 'geram' and always asking to be picked up. Your eyes, always lit up with joy whenever you see me approaching. And the highlight of my day, your beautiful smile that you bestowed so generously on anyone who greets and coos with you.

Those lovely coos. Have I not mentioned those cooing sounds you started making this month? You are one very friendly baby, sweetheart. When I bathe you, when I pick you up and when I cuddle with you, you are full of coos. Sometimes we ended up engaged in deep conversations where I asked you questions about your day and you answer me earnestly in coos. I know that your day has been so damned great when you coo so much to me.

'Let's coo, Mak...'

My diamond and precious jewel,

Whenever we go out, I can't help feeling extremely proud when people pass remarks of how cute you are. The most notable remark is probably your shockingly thick hair which you inherit not from me. Hehehe. As I fondly told others, if I did not witness you coming out of my tummy with those abundant hair, I would not believe that I have given birth to such a beautiful baby either.

Dear Khayla,

Last month was the first time you were away from me. Since I had to stay in KL until I had my urut session, you went back with Makyeng alone and I was racked with worry and pangs of missing my firstborn daughter. On the first day, I called Makyeng and pestered her with a lot of questions like, 'Did she cry? Did she ask for me? Did she ask for her Bapak?' But mom assured me that you are not at all thinking of us, but are delighted to find a house full of cats and hey, your tricycle from last August! Over the past few days after that, your grandmother had been keeping me updated with your new explorations and discoveries, and various outings in the Kancil that you tremendously enjoyed.

This month you started going to kindergarten after three months of staying at home. I was worried that you would not be able to adapt yourself back to school life. The first day was rather an anxious moment for me, and as we left you at the very posh kindergarten (of course, nothing but the best for you) you were bewildered and started to cry. But those cries were not for long. When I picked you up from school, you were all smiles. The next day, you looked forward to going to school again because they had so many toys I guess? LOL. Teachers told me that you have been wonderful and even better than other newcomers. Not only you did not cry, you also can drink from a cup unassisted and joined in with class activities. Did you hear that? You, the youngest of them all, top them by not crying on your first week at school!

I'm beyond proud - I feel like shouting on the rooftop that I have the best babies in the world!

There. That's what being two years old is all about. Boundless of energy, and SINGING. My goodness, there was never a moment when you did not sing. You sing and hum all the time, and you memorise all your favourite nursery tunes namely TTLS (Twinkle-twinkle Little Star), OMHAF (Old McDonald Has A Farm, IBS (Itsy-Bitsy Spider), and even throw in an occasional Row, Row, Row Your Boat and the rain song (Rain, Rain, Go Away).

In addition to singing, you have started to show strong interest in scribbling. Give you a crayon and a colouring book, and you are one happy toddler. So happy that you also scribbled my very expensive cabinet surface! *pengsan*

My sweet pumpkin,

So many things that you have achieved this month - you are like this super-absorbent sponge soaking up new words, new actions, new songs and everything in very short time. One of your most delightful new skill is going from diaper-wearing to using the potty. It took me 2 weeks to put you on the potty and waiting for you to do your business while you made puzzled expressions at me making 'shee'-ing sounds, pulling out my hair giving you earfuls when you forgot to tell that you need to go to the toilet, mopping the floor and wiping the carpet endlessly train you to use the potty and when you finally did it and learnt to tell us when you need to go, I felt that the achievement was way beyond winning the Royal Award and Deans' List award. 

Khayla & Khadeeja,

Both of you are my greatest achievements. Thank you for brightening up my day.

Love you both with every beat of my heart,

Mak

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Letter to My Girls: Khayla (25 months) & Khadeeja (1 month)

Dear Khayla & Khadeeja,

Wow. Time sure flies fast, dear ones. I am now mother to two beautiful baby girls since a month ago! What an exhilarating feeling it is :)

Let me start with Khadeeja, my younger child.

Khadeeja - Day 3

Khadeeja my precious,

My second child born on the first day of the second month in 1434H of the Islamic calendar (1.2.34). Also, the second child of ours to be born on our wedding anniversary (15 December 2012). You are named after Saidatina Khadijah R.A., the beloved wife of Rasulullah S.A.W. She was a wise businesswoman as well as a strong and loyal woman who stood by her husband. Khadeeja, my strong little one who was a survivor since you were a teeny-weeny embryo. Haha! Remember that rough trip into the jungle when you were just a little over 4 weeks in my tummy? With you, I never had to worry about your survival, not even the hardest of bumps can faze  you! Roarrr! Khadeeja, the warrior!

Khadeeja - Day 4

With that kind of strong determination to survive, you also show a strong character to match. You came out screaming as loud as a baby could cry the moment my gynae pulled you out of my open tummy. It's like you were complaining, 'What abomination is this to disturb my slumber in my warm cocoon?' It's no wonder - you came out a week or two earlier than you were supposed to so I get your utter indignation, child. But let's not dwell too much on it, ok?

If that is not enough proof that you are one fierce dragon (born in the year of dragon, perhaps that's the reason?), you have no qualms about turning your cries several octaves higher until you were shrieking in total fury whenever you were being ignored. Like, 'I want milk now please? Now, now, NOW, NOWWWWWWW!!!!' 'A minute, please wait, I need to pee, I need to drink first, or any other excuses are not tolerated AT ALL. Phew. Khadeeja, can we work on that temper of yours when you realise that Mommy is the one with the ultimate power?

I woke up on the wrong side of the crib this morning...

My darling baby,

Despite your strong character, you have the loveliest smile with the cutest dimple on your right cheek. Courtesy of Mommy, of course! Now I can understand the adage, 'When you smile, the world smiles with you'. You are that cute that I have two people telling me that looking at you make them feel like having a baby of their own!

Khadeeja - Day 19

My pumpkin pie with a dash of chilli powder,

Now let's talk about your milestones this month. Today marks your first of the many more birthday months. Happy one month old, sweetheart! Throughout this month, you've learned to:

1. Lift your head briefly when on your tummy and a lot longer when you are in upright position (yeay, baby!)
2. Gaze around you in interest for a few seconds before starting to look for Mommy's nipples to suck on for the umpteenth time
3. Coo when your sister teased you or when you don't agree with our complaints about your constant need to be carried and nursed
4. This may sound unbelievable but you can flip yourself from your side to your tummy position when you notice that I get too far from you. First attempt is to stretch your body, then bat your hands to reach out to me and finally all the stretching and batting will result in the body flip. Hey, aren't babies supposed to flip from back to front when they are around 3 months old?
5. Recognize who is not mommy.

Being fascinated with your fist (Khadeeja, Day 29)

Today, after sending off grandma and sister to the airport, you had your first month checkup and the doctor gave your health a clean bill and also your first month jab. You glared at the sweet doctor, screwed up your face and wailed! Ah, life with you will be an adventurous one for me, Khadeeja.

Khadeeja - Day 32

Now to my firstborn, Khayla.

My dearest Khayla,

You have been a big sister for a month now. Your first reaction to Khadeeja was total indifference, like, oh a baby. I'll just play a bit till the baby goes away. So it was kind of amusing to watch you when you realize that the baby did not go away but instead went home with us to stay permanently. That's when you started to show your jealousy.

Practising to be a big sister a day before Khadeeja was born

You tried to push her away when I nursed Khadeeja. You shouted, 'Hey, kennen!' (Translated - 'hey, cannot!') to protest that she slept on the bed with us. You demanded to be breastfeed also. And everything that is Khadeeja's now belongs to you e.g. her toys and her pacifiers. Especially her pacifiers.

Refused to let Khadeeja lie down in the cot and claiming her pacifier as yours

Then two weeks later, you realized that she wasn't going away. That she is part of the family now. That's when you start to show concerns and care towards Khadeeja. Like calling us to pick the baby when she cried. Or shushing the baby yourself. Or even shoving a pacifier to her wailing mouth. Or trying to feed her with a bottle of milk (yours or hers, whichever first you laid eyes on). Or helping grandma to throw away Khadeeja's soiled diapers in the waste bin. Welcome to the world of big sister, Khayla!

Big sister and small sister!

My lapis lazuli,

The day Khadeeja was born you seemed to grow up overnight. No longer we see you as a small and fragile little girl, but of a boisterous and funny two-year-old that you are. You can understand a lot of things now, except when we said 'Cannot!' Or 'Pick up your toys!'

Your vocab also grew with you. You can call Mak Yeng, say bye-bye, orange, bubble, bear-bear, nenen, Mak, Bapak and a few other words which mostly you mimic from us.

One day we were playing bubbles and they burst. You turned to me, hands spread apart and said the first complete sentence, 'Abis dah bubble!' (Bubble is finished!) Girl, not only you stringed together words to form a sentence, the words were also in perfect order, not all jumbled up! Bravo!

Entertaining your baby sister

Not only you can speak in full sentence you can sing to a tune from Babytv. Twinkle-twinkle little star is your favourite (and mine too). You know 80% of the words and will sing along to the song. You can understand the cartoons on Babytv and will laugh at the funny parts. The other day you also identified out loud a cartoon character called 'Yum-Yum' from 'The Cuddlies'. I secretly wondered whether a gear that got stuck in your brain had suddenly become unstuck and that's why you have been soaking up all the new knowledge overnight!

You love going out especially for car rides. You cried if ever anyone went out the door without offering to bring you out. You excitedly shouted, 'Walk-walk!' Then ran over to the cabinet where your shoes were kept, opened the cabinet yourself and put on your shoes on your own. Most of the time you put on the shoes correctly.

Saying 'bye-bye' because you wanted to follow Mak Yeng 'walk-walk'

And you are very funny at this age. You love being chased by Daddy. You love mimicking people's sentence, you are just like a parrot! You also have a fake laugh to make others laugh!

Often you insist to be treated like a big girl

Khayla my not-so-baby-anymore baby,

All-in-all, you provide me with the light side of life and a whole lot of sanity when things get exhausting.

Khadeeja my fierce but adorable little baby,

You reminded me that I am awesome, and worthy to be loved, by you.

To both my girls,

I love being your mother. What's life without you both, but a colorless world? Thank You, Allah for these two girls.

Khayla & Khadeeja - my precious gems

Love you both millions of time,
Mak

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