Monday, July 31, 2006

My Day Today

Just after lunch, while waiting for my food to digest in my stomach, I glanced through my previous blog postings to see how much I have changed over the past two years. The finding is actually disheartening - I've become such a boring person who indulges more on what's happening in my head than what actually took place in reality. Whereas in my past writing I was quite illustrative when explaining events e.g. 'I had a meeting with two persons. We discussed bla3x. At the end of the meeting we agreed to bla2x. I look forward to bla2x...' Nowadays, I write e.g. 'Today I attended a meeting. Bye.'

In the past even when I walked I had planned what to blog whenever I came across something worth to share. Nowadays, I logged on, stared at the blank space, then logged out. Even 'Today I attended a meeting' became too much of a trouble.

Anyway, today I'll attempt to be less boring by telling about my boring job:

Today, I woke up to my very encouraging alarm ringtone of 'Doa Pagi' (Morning Prayer) which had repeated itself for I dunno how long. I set that alarm tone because it is becoming harder to wake up for Subuh prayer nowadays - when I was in JB, I can always depend on my housemates to wake me up for prayer but here in KL, it is self service or DIY kinda arrangement. Sometimes I still can't get used to the DIY arrangement over here.

It was drizzling quite heavily. After solat, I sat down on my comforter, trying to decide whether I should take my bath (cold!) or tidy up my room a little bit (messy), or continue to do my web design (I didn't sleep for the whole nite on Saturday because whenever the Inspiration hit me, I could never do anything until I have 'drawn' it in the Photoshop). Somehow, in the midst of debating which option to take, I had slid down on my side and dozed off, no thanks to the awfully cozy weather and warm comforter. I woke up at 8am, and it was still raining.

I reached office at 9am (the 8.30am new working hour doesn't work on rainy days), made myself a mug of hot Milo and started work while thinking with envy that my colleagues in JB are most probably still snuggled under their warm, cozy blanket (why did I transfer to KL??) since it's Johor's Hari Hol. Envy, Envy. Today I worked on the newsletter. We had finally (thank God) gotten our KDN license and I had painstakingly compiled the contents from scratch. I had completed the cover story which still needs a good photo shot (which I don't have and I'm trying think hard how should I get it). It took me four hours to write the editorial.

Many, many times I wish that I can write like Magic. Magic writes as flawlessly as she speaks. When she writes about food, she describes it so temptatingly delicious when it's just a bowl of mee rebus. What took me four hours to write, she could probably whip up something 10 times better in a friction of that time. Magic, Magic! Oy, are you reading this? Give me some tips on how to write a good article! Thank you!

I had actually given the contents to the publisher and the Creative Director has come back with the layout and pagination of the newsletter. But I'm not too happy with it which is through no fault of her. I did ask her to use her imagination. I need to re-layout and re-paginate it again. She is right. The photos provided are so not exciting. Those photos were taken by me whenever I made my trip to JB so they are very amateurish shots.

By the way, I am not handling newsletter publication per se. The newsletter is published quarterly and this issue is very slow in progress because of numerous problems and we are extremely busy for this quarter of the year. Whenever I had finished editing something, it'll take a few days more for my manager to clear it off pulak coz he has to oversee a lot more other things. For the moment, Magic's articles are still in my boss' PC. I'd be very glad when the printing's started.

When I was re-doing the layout, the Finance GM stopped by to ask, 'So, 007, what are you doing right now?' I grinned when he referred me as Bond's famous ID. The reason is because he caught me closing all work files when he stood nearby. I had been asked by Trump to keep my projects confidential that not even my manager knows why I would frown the whole day deep in thoughts of things I have to work on for the projects. I never really like working on the projects because it's more to what Chairman is doing. While he has the patience to slowly but comprehensively construct his reports, I have not even an ounce of that patience.

I guess I prefer work that requires quick, creative and dynamic thought process rather than complicated, technical and factual report. My favourite project so far is the website. Website is cool, funky, dynamic and (in our case) colorful. Details are updated frequently, and I can always pick up the phone to change / add on something that I think would make the web more fun to browse through.

The keyword in being a web project keeper is FUN. Writing newsletter may be tedious, but the contents must be FUN. Whereas, any design job is a favourite of mine coz I think the work process and the output is FUN.

At the end of the day, I just like to see a job well done and include the FUN factors to keep me enthusiastic.

So now, I've finished my work and I'm going off for jogging again so I'd better sign off now, change and pray Asar before I make my way to Titiwangsa Lake. Ciao!

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Wednesday, November 21, 2012

False Alarm!

This morning I was woken up by a strange sensation on my lower back, tummy and pelvic. Before that, I had gone to the toilet 3 times where else normally I take only one nightly trip to the toilet (I usually empty my bladder before going to bed).

After going to the toilet for the third time and feeling somewhat uncomfortable by the strange pressure on those areas (the lower back started to throb and ache constantly), I sat on the edge of the bed massaging my back and tummy.

To be honest, I've never felt this discomfort before. My first baby was delivered 3 weeks before her due date due to placenta praevia and via c-section. And my miscarriage incident that had me induced happened more than 3 years ago I forgot how it felt like.

The discomfort somewhat felt like menstrual cramp minus the pressure on my cervix during those heavy period flow. It felt so surreal that I could not decide whether the pain was real or I was just over-analysing the feelings.

I almost smiled when I remembered the hilarious conversation that took place in my head as I was internalising the whole situation:

Optimistic self: Oh come on, if it's real labour, you don't have to think too much about it. Just go with the flow! If a horse can do it without all these natural birth plan and hypnobirthing and whatnots, why can't you?
Desperate self: We don't know what the horse is thinking during labour! Probably it would ask for pain-reliever if it could talk!

Somehow even though I was just quietly sitting and massaging my tummy and lower back, Suami Terchenta woke up and asked, 'Why? What's wrong?' I hesitated before replying, 'Umm. I just feel somewhat uncomfortable around my tummy and back area.'

He immediately woke up and asked,

'Is it contraction?'
'I don't know. It doesn't feel like it.'
'Is it symptoms of labour?'
'I don't really know.' Which was an honest reply.

He got up, touched my tummy and then decided to find one of my pregnancy reference books to find out (time2 macam ni baru la dia nak baca buku2 tu!). After leafing through the pages, he concluded,'I think it could be it. Shall we go to the hospital now?' By then, I detected a hint of worry and concern bordering panic in his voice.

I crawled on the bed and lay down on my right where my lower back was not painful. 'Not yet. But can you massage my back? It hurts.'

He was on his feet and emptying the luggage from our last trip to the hospital on Saturday. He stopped and helped to massage the affected area, which brought relief to me. I started to fall back asleep when Khayla woke up and cried for milk. Then I had to turn to my left so she could snuggle against me.

By 7.30am, I started to notice the contractions. I was walking down the hallway and immediately felt a pulling sensation on my lower abdomen as it tightened. The pressure was so intense I held on to the wall and clutched my tummy. Suami Terchenta looked at me with a frown on his face.

'It's contraction right? Time to go to the hospital?'
'Um. I don't think so. It doesn't appear frequent.' I was still reluctant to rush to the hospital over a few tinges because I was scared that my doctor will ask me to be induced. Ouch!

I continued to the back area to get my work dress when I was stopped mid-way by the same intense pulling sensation. This time it made me moan.

'That's it. Let's go to the hospital.' Suami Terchenta made the decision.

In between the contractions (which started to appear at regular intervals), I managed to iron my cloth and tudung, laughed at the absurdity of the painless pressure yet so intense it made me pause while I was walking, and get ready. I texted my boss to inform that not to worry, but I need to get checked out because I'm having unexplainable discomfort which is getting persistent.

We dropped Khayla at her nursery and then drove to the hospital. I started the contraction timer. Everytime I suspected it was contraction, I pressed the button and then endured the uncomfortable sensation. Some of the contractions were mild, but some made me clutched Suami Terchenta's arm in agony. Each lasted between 30 - 50 seconds with 10 minutes apart:

My contraction timer apps

When we reached the emergency entrance, the hospital staff seeing me tottering in awkwardly, greeted me at the door.

'Are you feeling labour pains already?'
'I'm not sure...' I explained where the pains were and informed that this was my first experience of 'labour pains' (if it was what it was).

She immediately brought me to the labour ward at 6th floor using a wheelchair (because I started to groan and almost double over whenever the contractions hit me).

When we reached there, the labour ward staff took over and had me settled on the bed to strap on the CTG scan. Then Suami Terchenta appeared and sat next to me watching my every expressions. Occasionally he held my hands when the discomfort was so intense.

The CTG scan displayed the fetal heartbeats (which was steady between 130 - 170+) and the contractions (true enough, it appeared every 10 minutes, averaging at 68 which is already moderate and the more intense ones reached 104, which is already considered as strong contraction).

After half an hour, the lower back pain on my left transferred to my right. When the nurse staff took the CTG scan output, she asked me to remove my pants as she wanted to check whether I'm dilating. At that point, a very intense and stinging pain overcame me on my upper right tummy that I had trouble breathing. I gasped, grunted and stared incredulously at Suami Terchenta as I was suddenly reminded of the same pain I felt when I was induced during my miscarriage 3 years ago!

Mine was between 4 - 9, I think

Nurse asked me to take a few deep breaths (and boy, it was hard to breathe properly when the intense pain was overcoming me!) but I managed to control my breathing and finally sat up. Then I lay down again for the exam and although I read and heard many people said the exam was painful, it was not that painful to me.

Nurse then proceeded to give me injection to help the baby's lung mature in case I really go into labour. She cautioned me that the injection will STING. This time I agreed with her.

Then my gynae popped in and confirmed my worst fear - yes, I'm in real labour and those are regular contractions. If I continue to be having those contractions and already dilating by tomorrow, she will start the birthing process even though my baby is still 2 weeks shy from being considered as full-term! That certainly got me alarmed, thinking that I am not prepared at the prospect of looking after a preemie.

Suami Terchenta had to leave my side to register my admission and I paced the room and swayed my hips to relieve the contraction pains. I also decided to update my FB status just so I could distract my mind from the pain. After a while Suami Terchenta reappeared and we waited to be transferred to a normal ward to wait out the labour.

I even received a call from work,

'Hi. Are you on leave today?'
'Um. I'm in the hospital, having contractions.'
'I just need to check something. Blablabla...'
'The latest status is, blablabla... Urghhhh....' Contraction hit me and I grunted in pain.
'Err... Never mind. I'll just call your boss. Take care!' My colleague sensing my discomfort immediately ended the call.

After we were in the normal ward, I continued to pace the room and sitting on the sofa to ride out the pain. Lunch was delivered. I ate half-heartedly but finished my meal thinking that I might need the energy later should I ever required to be induced today (although I was still praying that it's not time yet and the whole thing will stop).

After lunch and exhausted from enduring the pain and endless pacing, I decided to try take a nap. I slept for 2 hours clutching my tummy.

Then my prayers were granted.

I woke up when a nurse came in to check my blood pressure. The first thing I noticed was I wasn't in pain anymore. Sure, it still throbbed where the pains were, but it was just a faint and mild sensation. Even the contractions were very mild it felt only like Braxton-Hicks!

The pain gradually went away and by night I wasn't feeling them anymore. This was confirmed when the nurse took my CTG scan again - I occasionally had tightening due to BH but the rest was normal. Alhamdulillah! :)

CTG scan showed that contractions have gone away for the moment!

So now I'm hoping to be discharged tomorrow after my gynae and specialist who is monitoring my GDM give the clearance.

Until now I'm wondering what could have triggered the early contractions - maybe because the night before I had pineapple soup for dinner, or because I let Khayla have the boobs to calm and settle her down (although she only suckled for maximum 20 minutes before she dozed off). Or work is driving me crazy. There are a lot of possible reasons but none really makes sense.

Hmm. Anyway, now that I know how labour pains feel like, I HAVE to make some changes to my routine and definitely need to catch up on exercise to prepare me physically for the labour when the time comes. And practice the whole breathing and positions to cope with labour pains. Lots of things caught us unprepared during this short experience, and I need to read and practice more. So does Suami Terchenta. Well, I hope he'll take it seriously as well! :p

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Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Dear Somebody Out There

Dear Somebody Out There,
Today I woke up miserable. Then I perked up a bit bcoz I remembered yesterday I went to cheer myself up by going for hair wash at the salon. My hair smelt really nice and it's really soft and bouncy. Unlike some people, I don't have to spend hundreds of ringgits doing re-bonding as I've been blessed with this naturally straight hair.

Dear Somebody Out There,

Today I was speeding to the office again. I knew I shouldn't do that but I had a joyous and indescribable feeling when I was zooming at 100km/h. It has been quite some time I acted in truly Minah Rempit way. I felt that when I was riding that fast, all my burdens were left behind and couldn't catch up with me.

Dear Somebody Out There,

I came in and chatted with the girls and we talked about erm, girl stuffs. They teased me because I walk fast, and my footsteps could be heard miles away. Someone once told my friend, 'Itu orang jalan aa, bumi tarak terima!' It seriously made me laugh. Ever since I was in school, I always walk fast and with firm footsteps. And I don't look left and right, but focused straight on to my destination.

Dear Somebody Out There,
Everything at work is not going great. If I could describe my work as anak ayam, then early this year I was given an anak ayam to mind. As months passed, I got a few more chicks and more and more were thrust into my hands. All the anak ayams tried to escape from my hold, and I am desperately trying to prevent them from straying away but they are too much for me to handle. I'm losing my grasp in everything. Everything.

I don't know why, but I felt like I was a fallen angel. An angel who had disgraced and then dismissed from heavens. Was I too rebellious? Perhaps. Was I too harsh in my criticisms against The Powers? Probably. Whatever it is, I'm facing difficulties at work where every minute, I can expect that I would be call in to be admonished by none other than Trump.

Anyway, today when I presented the souvenir proposal, he approved but not without saying that the souvenirs have to be all sold in six months time. I am appalled. There's no way I could sell 400 t-shirts in 6 months. We're not exactly running a retail shop, are we? Sometimes, Trump expects too much from me. I'm beginning to regret graduating as best student. With the 'best' title, people tend to expect too much even though you're inexperienced.

Dear Somebody Out There,

The only pleasant occasions today were when I received two ang-pows from one Datin who cannot make it to my majlis next month, and the other from our chairman, Datuk J who also wouldn't be able to attend the function. Maybe I should distribute my invitation to more Datuks and Datins. That way, I could get more money. Muahaha! By the way, the Datin who gave the ang-pow is a very nice lady. I like working with her and her creative director. She's such a down-to-earth person. And I'm not saying this because she gave me ang-pow ok? Datuk J, even though he rarely associates himself with us, is also a nice person.

When I came in to thank him for the early wedding gift, he was surprised to see me. 'Oh, you're the one getting married, is it?' as if I was the least expected person to give him the card. Hmm. Even Trump called me in to register his surprise. 'You're getting married??' in that I-don't-believe-this! tone. But those hardly beat the wackiest question I got from one colleague in JB who got the invitation and immediately called me:

'Why, Carneyz, why?? You broke everybody's hearts!' as if I was Siti Nurhaliza. So after this, I can expect people to criticize my wedding dress ('ugly!') / invitation card ('cheap!') / why I didn't hold a press conference announcing my wedding ('nak rahsia la tu!').

Dear Somebody Out There,

I think that's just about the only things I could confide here. If you ask me how I feel, I don't know what it is. Excited? Hmm. Nervous? Hmm. Sad? Hmm. Happy? Hmm. All I could think of right now are:

1. We're done with the filming and tomorrow, we need to drop by the production house and sit down to discuss the offline edit.

2. The calendar requires new photos and wordings for each of the pages. I will need to go to JB to discuss that with the designer.

3. How am I going to clear off 400 t-shirts in 6 months???

4. Christmas deco. How is the proposal coming along?

5. No news for the newsletter! How??

6. Sell idea to advertisers. How??

7. Can I clear those tasks before 10th? Oh, bloody hell. I'm turning into a swearing monster now.

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Monday, January 03, 2005

Welcome, 2005

2005 is just a number. Is just a year. Is nothing that meaningful.

Don't get me wrong, people. I don't hate new years. I just don't think it's a big deal. So we grow older (age-wise). So there's a wrinkle or two on our face. However, some people are still considered young at heart despite these facts. Life still goes on.

The only thing that matters with each new year, is each birthday. I'm going to be 23 this year. When I was six, I couldn't imagine being 23. When I'm approaching 23, I feel no difference than when I was six. I still think chocolate rules the day, that playing see-saw and swinging high in the playground are fun. When I go for evening walks, I still look out for dandelions by the roadside to blow at the tiny stalks so the wind will carry them all away. At 23, I still do what I did when I was six (except drink from milk bottle).

Looking back, I guees that I've accomplished half of what I dreamed about when I was six:

To board an aeroplane. I used to look up on the sky and wished that I could go for a ride on a plane. Now I travel on air every time I go back.

To go to university. I wanted to go to university back then because I liked to imitate everything that my father did. 15 years later, I graduated.

To go to the land of 'mat salehs'. I had a mat saleh playmate when I was small. Though we couldn't understand each other, we still enjoyed games together. When I watched tv, I told my sister that I wanted to go their place someday. I did end up in Down Under and Cape Town years later. I still wish I could go to Europe someday.

The other half that every 6-year-olds liked to pretend would be more materialistic in nature:

To own my own car and house. Still working on that.

To have enough money to shop for my own clothes. Despite my tomboy-ish nature (I wore shorts and t-shirt instead of baju kurung on hari raya) when I was six, I used to look longingly at frilly dresses that my parents couldn't afford to buy for each daughter of theirs. So I wished that I could have my own ringgit and sen to buy my own clothes when I grow up. I liked to shop for clothes with my best friend when we got our scholarship money (ehem, apart from using the money to buy books of course!), but when I do earn my own money, I develop this ridiculous idea that money shouldn't be wasted on new clothes every time I receive my salary (Note: Ainie, there's nothing wrong in shopping for clothes every time we receive our paycheque, don't get me wrong here :p).

To go to Mecca. A six-year-old wanted to go to Mecca? Yup, for some strange reasons, I was fascinated with the age-old rituals of pilgrimage. I read children's books on Prophet (peace be upon him) and how it was in Mecca, and I thought that God is in Mecca. Six-year-old me wanted to go to the holy land, and soon-to-be-23-this-June me still hope to be there one day.

To have a grand wedding. OK, 6-year-old did wish to have a grand wedding on top of a sea cliff, wearing white gown, sauntering beneath a beautiful arch, complete with perfect weather and all else romantic stuffs a 6-year-old can imagine of. At 23, that idea changed drastically after considering how much a grand wedding would cost. Someday (Insha-Allah), I intend to get married but in a simple occasion in a mosque at home, wearing a simple wedding outfit of baju kurung (no kebaya, no matching songket, just a simple baju kurung would do) that wouldn't be outrageously expensive, and a kenduri syukur afterwards (no majlis bersanding and cake-cutting ceremony, please). The most important thing I hope, that I will get married to the man I love and would be capable to love me in return, forever.

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Monday, January 02, 2006

Missing Johor

I finally arrived in KL . I hated this city, but I have to learn to love it. I imagined Shah's wife who came all the way from Pakistan, who grew up in totally foreign environment, weather, language, food. The challenge for her to get used to the living standard in... God, it must be awful for her. I'm glad that Shah bought that lovely house for her and the baby. She hates lizard as much as I do. I imagine she hates cockroaches too.

My room is about 70% the size of the room I occupied in Jen's house. The rental is 6 times more expensive. No, make it 12 times more expensive, because Jen paid RM20 rental for her whole house. It makes you think I'm born without a brain huh? I'm beginning to think the same too. At the back of my house, at certain hours of the day, there are terrible noises going on RIGHT BEHIND MY ROOM. My housemates are nice people, but I don't think they are the type who would roll around on the floor laughing over some crude jokes, like Kak Za, Yana & I did sometimes. No, most of the time. Or the type who would spend one night chit-chatting about all sort of things like Jen & I used to do. I mean. For cry out sake, they were IIU graduates. They laugh. Moderately.

When I reached KL, I almost cried again because the Putra lrt station was closed (how could they close it?), and none of the taxi wanna send me to Gombak. I had to beg a taxi driver to send me there. Seeing my petite size, my almost-crying expression (the tough girl looked so pathetic that nite), and my so exhausted voice asking to be send to Gombak, the driver took pity to me. Amin. There is a human in this city.

In short, everything that happened that nite made me want to cry. After arranging my stuff neatly in my room, I fell asleep on my mattress, one hand clutching the tasbih beads and one single teardrop ran down the bridge of nose and ended its course on my chin. I felt so lonely.

Day 1 in the foreign city. It rained on New Year day. I tried to mingle with my housemates. But it felt awkward. I went into my room and leant against the wall, staring at the opposite wall and hugging the Pink Panther small pillow that Layla gave before I left. When you hug it, think about us especially me. I read my diary. I tried everything to make me feel happy.

I switched on my mp3 player and listened to the recording of Ainie's, Survivor's & Jen's very sexy voice and smiled at the memory of Jen holding a cutlinary knife at Ainie threateningly, 'One more word,' as Ainie laughed at her very sexy voice. It rained the whole day. I didn't eat at all from the nite I arrived until last nite.

After Isya', I lay down on one side, on my left cheek, listening to my own breath. I have to survive. I have to go out and find the way to office tomorrow. I counted the tasbih beads and puzzled over the tangled part. Then I just closed my hand over it and thought, God, I hardly remember You.

I remembered telling the story of the beginning of mankind to an attentive Jen. I told the story until the arrival of the last prophet over a cup of chilled coke in McD.

Heaven and earth, and else in between. I miss Jen. I hope my story makes sense to her. There's so much I want to tell her. There's no more time to tell her.

I brought her to the lake on my last day in JB. I hope she finds the time to find herself while listening to the music of water cascading down, and watching the fishes swimming in the water. I visited my professor's house. He helped me a lot when I was in bad shape financially.

I love Johor and I'm missing it desperately. I'm homesick. Help me. I'm missing all the things and all the people I left behind.

Every memory of lookin' out the back door
I got the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

Every memory of walkin' out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was lookin' for
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye.

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Tuesday, January 15, 2008

To My Boss - In Case You're Reading This

Hi Boss,

The reason why I'm writing this post for you is because I do not know what else to do. August last year marked the third year we work together. I would like to say, it's been great, I am fortunate to have a boss like you - but I can't lie. The truth is. It's getting more stressful that every day I think about quitting.

Between you and Trump, I think I am more inclined to quit because of you.

This is in no way being insulting neither an attempt to condemn you as a person. I mean, as an individual, you are ok. You are not short-fused like Trump, you don't care that I'm constantly in late (and going back late as well), you approve my leave every time I request for it, you ask for our opinions. In short, you are an understanding and easy person to get along with.

But that's the problem. You're overdoing it, the fun stops there. You don't care. Period. Whether work gets done or not, you don't care. Whether we work right or not, you don't care. So much so that most of the time, both my assistant and I are forced to run around like headless chicks(en); having no idea whether we are doing things ok, are we doing fine or not, until someone scolds us for doing it wrongly. How are we supposed to know? Our boss doesn't care to let us know that it's wrong!

Most of the time, I find myself mentally and emotionally tired after coming back from work. Tired, because not only I have to carry my responsibility as an executive, I also have to make sure that my boss actually does his responsibilities. I have to think of what exactly you as a boss need to do, and then come round your room to check whether you have done it or are doing it.

'Have you done this? Has that been attended to? Have you called this person to inform him that?'

You always complain about how tedious it is to make sure that other departments do what they are supposed to do. You nag about it every month, 'Must we always remind them to update us about any news over there? I'm tired of being a nanny!' Yes, exactly. So am I, boss. I'm tired of being your nanny.

I tested my 'I'm-my-boss'-nanny' theory last couple of months. One day, I came into the office and instead of jotting down tasks that need to be accomplished on that day and coming in to see you to update about those tasks, I kept quiet and did my own personal business. Nothing work-related at all. Half a day passed. You did not step out of your room. One hour before office hour ended, not so much as a word about work came from you. Silent. Nada. I know you are not doing any work, because if you are, emails would be flooding in. Besides, I have taken over the job of setting the department's goals. At the end of the day, I couldn't help feeling extremely disappointed in you because you simply do not do anything unless I dictate what needs to be done.

That explains why after being away from the office for a month during my wedding, I came back only to wonder why did it feel as if work freeze while I was gone.

There's a reason why you are a boss, but lately, I constantly struggle to remember the reason because you are not acting like one. Ever since the last project where you were scolded gila2 by Trump, you become scared of being in-charge and happy to let other people take that role. I mean, if you are scared of handling another project under Trump, I can fully understand your reluctance. But, you can't be scared of being in-charge of the department! For heaven's sake, you are the boss! Even if you are scared, they pay you to be the boss!

Frankly, my assistant and I, we need proper guidance. We are here not just to do work, we want to learn and gain invaluable experiences. Some day we want to be in a higher position, and therefore we need to know how to make decisions like a boss, how to handle things like a boss.

In the beginning, you did share your knowledge with me since I started with zero. You patiently taught me everything that I needed to know to do my job, and I respected you as my mentor. You helped to navigate certain areas, which I observed and then learned. You helped set my goals and in areas where you saw that I was struggling to accomplish, you coached me until I could do it easily. I had ease of mind knowing that I was in the right path and making progress every day.

But that changed. You changed. With your don't-care attitude now, we hardly learn anything new. In fact, I felt as if my brain cells' count had shrunk due to the lack of new learning progress. My time at the office is spent on doing mindless chores and my learning curve has been somewhat flat as I face the same mundane things every day, year in year out. Career and intellect-wise, I'm dying a slow, grueling painful death.

You just dump your responsibilities on our laps, particularly mine, and then they become my responsibilities, albeit unwillingly. You start to rely too much on me, to see things through.

Proof? This morning, you called me in and said the finance needs our last year's activities report. Which you were supposed to do, like, last year? Last December? The month before this month? That month which we were (or you were) not too busy because we were were still waiting for approvals for the thing we have to do this month?

You: Oh, I didn't manage to do it. Can you come up with a report like the report you did last year?

Me: I was on marriage leave this time last year.

You: Oh, well. The one you did for the last couple of years before that?

If you were curious to know, that was when my expression changed. I was trying so hard to control my irritation.

Me (trying to make you work for what the company's paying you): I don't know whether I can do it... I have to do some urgent tasks now. Important.

You: Oh well... then in that case, can you email your appraisal report which outlined your activities last year.

Me: But that's just on my part. It does not include our assistant's and YOUR activites.

You: Hurmm.. which to me is about 90% of what WE did last year, and I will add in what our assistant's handled too in one or two line.

I wanted to raise this question - What then, did YOU do last year? If 90% of the department's activities were done by me (as you rightfully claimed), what was the less-than-10% contribution by YOU that outweighs my 90% workload? Isn't that unfair? And tell me again - who is the one getting the fat paycheque?

Boss,

The more I write, the more I am feeling upset and abused. I do not like the fact that you hardly do any work and yet you are earning more than me. I simply feel trodden upon knowing that I struggle every day carrying heavy work burdens of both yours and mine, only for you to claim my work as OUR work. Enough is enough, boss.

I do not know how long I can stand your attitude, so I hope you will come to your senses very soon and revert to your old enigmatic self. I'm increasingly losing my respect for you and feeling suffocated being under your charge. Perhaps if I fail to secure another job elsewhere, I will consider changing departments and sacrificing the line of work which I love right now, just so I can save my sanity.

I shall stop here for the moment or else I will have bad dreams again.

Your employee

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Sunday, February 20, 2011

Open Letter To Khayla

Dear Khayla,

It's 12pm, Mommy's home but you are not. I feel like such a bad mommy leaving you behind at the daycare centre. So bad, that I cried in the car while driving home. To make it even worse, when I kissed you goodbye, you screwed up your face and cried. Cried at the sight of mommy leaving. Khayla, I'm sorry!

My baby girl,

This morning you woke up in a good mood. You had no idea that Mommy is leaving you at the daycare. You asked for milk and smiled at me while you were breastfed. When you are full, you lay down quietly and patiently while I prepared your bath water. You made a slight fuss only because the water was slightly cooler than usual, then you enjoyed your bath time as usual. Baby, today you smiled at me radiantly in the bath and I spilled my tears already! I smiled back at you, teary-eyed. I told you gently that you will be left at the daycare so you can get used to it. You still smiled because you did not understand what I was telling you.

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Saturday, December 19, 2015

2015 New Year's Resolutions - A Review

It seems like the only time I write nowadays are to review hotels or write letters to my girls  on their birthdays, LOL. To be honest, life has been a monotonous tone, thank you very much *pause*

Well, you have to be thankful that life works out predictable in this highly volatile environment and economic situation - we still have work to keep us occupied, salary gets in as usual, there's enough moolah to cover all the bills, the kids (and I) are growing and healthy, my husband and I are still married though we live separately most of the time, and well, that's how life goes.

BUT. Deep, deep down inside, I am feeling pretty restless at the absence of excitement in life. When MBA mission is over and accomplished, for a while I felt hugely satisfied and inspired that I had overcome one major block in life - that is to graduate with a master's degree. I guess I'm an adrenaline junkie, somewhat. Even though I've settled down with two kids, I am always on the lookout for something to set my eyes on, to pursue and conquer at the end of the day.

One of the biggest hurdles / accomplishment in our lives

So what have I done in 2015?

Firstly, at the beginning of the year, I had set a few targets to achieve:

1. To read and finish a book every month (12months x 1 book = 12 books all together) - checked!

2. To leave office at 5pm 3 times a week - mixed results

3. To go on an overseas trip - does Brunei count?? It's still on the same land though, but hey, our kids got their first Immigration stamp on their passport!

Although I spent 4 years going back to school and doing lots of reading, it's not the same, no sir! Reading because you are obliged to, as opposed to reading because you enjoy reading can feel somewhat 'empty' (just like performing solat because it's compulsory but you don't put your heart into it will make you will feel 'empty'). So when I graduated, I thought it was time to catch up on my first hobby - reading.

So I read. And read one book after another. I don't have a specific genre that I like to read - my choice of book depends on the author. I tend to buy books by the same author because I would feel a lot more confident that I will like their writing style hence their storyline. I also like straightforward books - one that doesn't require me to go on overdrive mode trying to understand the message the author is trying to deliver. After all, I read books to unwind and I like to unwind in the most relaxing manner, LOL. So if you are thinking to get me books for birthday gifts, skip Dan Brown or Stephen Kings, please.

Some of the books I've covered

So far, my favourite authors are Sophie Kinsella (I get amused by her characters), James Patterson (he writes murders and crimes in the simplest manner and language), JK Rowling (who doesn't like her books?), Diana Wynne Jones (I'm not embarrassed to admit I still read children's fictions, but I love love LOVE her imagination!) and Kamila Shamsie (she is just amazing at describing simple, every day things).

So yes, this is one big accomplishment this year!

On the second goal - there is one good news and one bad news. The bad news is, being workaholic is pretty tough to kick out! I thought I had cured myself of this addiction after Khayla was born, but then I relapsed. To make it worse, I realize that I tend to get more productive towards the end of the day rather than at the beginning of the day. So when I go into productive mode, it's already 5pm. Most of the time, I end up calling my mom to ask her to pick the girls up and continue my work until 6.30 or 7pm.

The good news is, I think I'm slowly starting to let go of this bad habit. It's just taking quite some time to convince myself to leave office while the sun is still up (yeah, 3 years is pretty much a long time to change!). I was a lot worse back then - when I started work, my record of going back from the office was 4 freaking AM! Then I started to cut back to 10pm, 8pm, 7pm.. and now, trying to go back earlier than 6.30pm.

I've also stopped regularly bringing work home, since I know that I'll go into mommy mode, so there's no way I'll touch my work laptop once I reach home (unless I have a really, really urgent deadline!). So, yeah. I'm still on track on this one! 

When I need to distract my kids while working on urgent deadline

Lastly, I have been dreaming to go on overseas trip with my family (read: cold-climate countries). This was fuelled further when Suami Terchenta mentioned that he was going to be posted to Ireland for 3 weeks sometime early of the year. I almost bought tickets to Gold Coast after he called me to inform that his superior had asked him to standby to go to Australia for a meeting with potential client there. I was more excited than him and even spent a bit of my time researching on the places he mentioned but turned out, none materialized! *so disappointed*

Still, I am determined to make it happen. I don't agree with people who say that it's a waste of time and money travelling when our kids are still young because we have to lug around a lot of stuff (diapers, strollers, formula milk, etc.) and they will most likely end up not remembering the trip. Instead, my rationale is it will be more difficult to go on vacation during off-peak period (read: when it's not school holiday) once Khayla started primary school. Besides, kids' tickets are cheaper and most of the time, admission fees for kids are half of adult's price when they are not of school-age (6 years and below). Below 4 are even free!

So, I lowered my expectations (read: divert my attention away from Europe / Australia) since currency exchange is pretty bad now, and instead will take the opportunity to visit my sister in Japan during winter. At least we will save a lot on plane tickets / travelling time there.

I soooo can't wait for this vacation! *eyes shining full of hope*

With that, I am looking forward to 2016. 2015 may be monotonous, but it's good monotonous. I hope to stir things up in 2016 but I haven't figured out in what way LOL! Perhaps Japan will give me some ideas on what to do in 2016.

Will definitely blog about my Japan trip later. Toodles!

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Sunday, January 01, 2012

Hello 2012, Hello 3.0

I'm about to enter the phase of 3.0 . Nope, it's not web3.0, nor is it Globalisation 3.0 as per my MIS lecture notes. The truth is, ladies and gentlemen, I'll still be in my 20s for another 6 months and then hello, age 30.

Before that, have you guys watched Disney-Pixar's cartoon movie 'Up'? The old man's wife fascinated me deeply because she knew exactly stuffs she wants to do when she grows up and actually had it written down in her 'Adventure Book'. Of course I was not that gung-ho, but I do remember some of the things I wanted to do when I grow up.

At the age of 6, I wanted a lot of things to happen. Simple, innocent things like boarding the plane, and going to university. Read my post about my dreams as a six-year-old in my post written 7 years ago (wow!).

At 10 years old, my idea of being 30 years old is well, old. With a few kids (5 to be exact, like what I told my friend Nick Chang when I was 14). Definitely a grown-up. Even being 20 years old is considered a grown-up back then.

Ok, fast-forward to me at age 20.

At that age, I was already in university (cross out this item from my life plan) and working hard towards being what I want to be at age 30. A successful career woman. My vision of me as 30 years old  was, well - a confident, wise and very much well-to-do woman (WOMAN ok) who is breezing through her career in an international MNC and married to an engineer (what can I say, I went to an engineering varsity). Oh, I also revised the number of kids down to 2, although I'm still keeping an eye on the 5 kids vision. Let's just be a bit more realistic here, Internet.

So here I am. Almost 30. Have I actually made it, or did I break it?

1. Married, 2 kids (originally 5) - I would say, I almost made it. I got married at the age of 24, in 2006. I first became pregnant at the age of 26 (2008), but it was an unsuccessful pregnancy and left me traumatized for a few months following the miscarriage. Praise be to Allah, I became pregnant again at the age of 28 (2010), and we welcomed Khayla in December 2010. But, if my first pregnancy was successful, I would have taken this off from the list of stuffs I will do when I become 30.

2. Go to land of mat salehs (part 2 - Europe) - Refer to my entry in 2005, this was one of my to-do item back then. I'm proud to say - yes, this is definitely a completed item! Thanks to my sister who read my blog and then offered to take me to Paris in 2007. It was the most fabulous trip of my life. Then we had another accidental trip to Europe when my previous Company sent me to a conference in Madrid, Spain. Managed to persuade En Suami Terchenta to tag along so we could have our nth honeymoon (we lost count of how many honeymoons we had before Khayla come).

3. To own my own car and house. Still working on that. Checked. We bought our first car in 2006 (not a pleasant experience, mind you), but it was definitely a worthwhile purchase. Our CLK had brought us to countless destinations and served us most loyally despite my initial dislike to it because it wasn't the blue car that I ordered. Thank you CLK!

Secondly, the house. Like most things that happen in my life, it was pure accident that we found ourselves as house owner. We were shopping for household items at Jusco and a month later, found ourselves signing S&P agreement. Will blog about the house in details when I have the time.

4. To have enough money to shop for my own clothes - it's a difficult area here. I used to have the figure, but not the money. Now I have the money, and not the figure. But all in all, this is completed as far as I know.

5. To go to Mecca - still working on this. 

6. To have a grand wedding (later revised to a simple but sweet wedding) - What was I thinking when I revised the vision?? Of course every brides want a big wedding! I wished I had paid more attention and details to my own wedding. As it was, I was too busy working and being in denial of the fact that I was getting married and forever tied down to a big commitment. So, suffice to say that my wedding preparation was my biggest regret and if I could turn back time, I would take all the time in the world to make it my big day. Yes, on top of a sea cliff, wearing white gown, sauntering beneath a beautiful arch, complete with perfect weather and everything.

7. Confident, wise, earn big salary working with MNC - Alhamdulillah, I had progressed well when it comes to my career. Even though I hate my job, I still do well in it. And money department is quite satisfactory. Although not really that high, I still have excess to save for rainy seasons and home renovations and whatnot.

Of course the confident and wise part is debatable. In fact, this is something that I am still working to achieve - being confident and comfortable enough to break away from the rat race and try my hand at being an entrepreneur and stay-at-home Mom who raise successful kids. Some day maybe.

8. To marry an engineer - My husband is a computer engineer. So yes. I married an engineer all right.

To sum up, I had had a good life, thank You Allah. I had managed to accomplish many things that I visualized myself of doing at certain stages in life, although most of them are done without really thinking (like getting married, having a baby and buying a house). I don't plan them either. It just happened. Life's like that.

This year, again I don't plan for what will happen. But this year, I will do what I did when I was 10 and 20 - I will visualize myself at the age of 40. What will I already accomplished as a 40 years old woman? I have yet to think. Only time will decide.

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Saturday, July 14, 2007

Some Ramblings

Me getting wistful while stretching my legs watching the blue, blue sea

Song listened to right now: Do You Know (Enrique Iglesias) - he has really nice eyes, hor... oh, yeah. Married already, can't comment some other guy's eyes. But hubby's sleeping early, aiyoh. Can't see his eyes, that's why can only comment on Enrique's eyes).

Why listening to this song: Nice song! Get addicted to the chorus part. No, never got anybody in a hurry to throw me away. Except some targeted sponsors I called up yesterday. Eh, not that crazy for your RM, you think I like faking my voice to sound like some 'sugar, spice & everything nice' girl kah? What to do, my boring job requires me to do something boring i.e. asking sponsorship.

I feel sick. Have been sneezing since morning. How to play kaler2 when I'm sick? Why I'm sick when I'm free to play kaler2? Eh, don't start thinking that kaler2 tau. My kaler2 has something to do with opening Photoshop and then playing around with colour palate and come up with some nice design. Walioweh. You guys... TKM (tak kawen murtad. Don't ask why).

Now I'm worried. If I'm too sick to drive on Monday, but I have a meeting in JB, who's gonna drive me there? I don't care mah, I'm tai-koh my husband has no choice but to take emergency leave so we can go to JB. How about that, husband? If I leave you alone, don't tell me the TV pulak rosak. Just joking, don't bite my head off lar. Ok, I'm your cute wife, right? *give yummy-licious seducing looks at hubby*

We all know, I am not really in a loving relationship with my work, only with my hubby. When I said we, it means we all, like my boss, my colleagues, ex-colleagues, my friends, my husband and perhaps even Trump. Trump told me, 'Ok la, if you want to find some other job, go ahead. See how it's better than here.' I tell you, Trump likes to dangle carrot in front of me. More like, dangle the resignation letter la.

But I don't really like to quit like a loser with my tail between my legs *try to picture myself with a tail but I'm not an ass* (ass=donkey. That's English lesson for adik2)

I made a grand entrance and I should leave with a standing ovation. Right or not? What really ruffled my feather is, Trump acknowledges Chairman is cleverer than me! I knew that already since Day 1, but do you have to point it out Trump??? *Chairman tried to play it down by saying, 'Yeah right, my brain's full of fluff!' but he looked pleased all the same. I knew Chairman's poyo face, true & true since we were good friends for 3 years already*

Now at office, busy as hell (how people know hell is busy? Baffled). Become kelam-kabut and gabra already. Poor Survivor, can't really comprehend what I wanted to say because I couldn't make up my mind. All she could get out of me was, 'Meeting... on Tuesday morning. Eh no, make it earlier. Wanna leave early. Ok, ok. Monday, Monday afternoon. Should be sempat kot to go back same day. Eh, but so many work to do there. Omigod, omigod, OMIGOD!'

Survivor, I'm so sorry. I was trying to think 300 other tasks to do simultenously. That's why my brain got jammed. I almost burst out in tears when I found out what I did about the event. I'm a makcik already.

Last Friday, just as it nearly made me jump off the building in frustration to my own self (screamed at myself, 'You are less clever than Chairman! You only drive a Kancil when your friends drive BMW and Honda City! You are still a corporate slave and your friends are already working with big thinktanks or becoming assistant manager at your age! You screw up details when it's just a simple job! No wonder you are still a slaveeeeeeeee!') God saved my soul and sent some good news along. Some sponsors have agreed to sponsor the event. I'm soooo happy! On the other hand, one sponsor got annoyed because he claimed we were supposed to meet up with him on Thursday. Puzzled. Didn't we mention that we were still in JB on Thursday because we had to go to Singapore for a meeting?

Talk about Thursday meeting pulak. My first time going to Singapore for a meeting! *Excited, clap hands for myself* <-- Chairman's been to as far as the Phillipines to attend a meeting, I'm only crossing the Causeway pun dah bising2.

Aiyah, Chairman still the cleverer one than me! *wail in despair*

I spent the night preparing for the meeting. I wanted to impress the guy with UK / Aussie accent. Even though I don't come from IT background, I can speak website language hor. Wore formal dress macam nak gi court. Ha-ha. Why is this meeting something I look forward to more than the meeting Pak Lah chaired & attended by top think-tanks of the country? Is it because it has something to do with something I actually understand, like a website? I love website. I love html. I love flash. I want to learn how to create a Flash website some day. I want to be a website designer. How many times I mentioned that already, huh?

Also, last Friday managed to rush my boss to check articles I wrote for the newsletter, and sent in email to all subscribers. Seronok like gila ok. Like one burden off my shoulder (for this month). So far, I never missed the deadline for this one. For the rest of the month can focus on the website and this event. If I can accomplish both by next month, can hand in my resignation already! *drool at the thought of freedom from unnecessary pressure on my poor heart which, every time have to meet Trump, will beat erratically and at top speed*

By the way, I can safely include in my resume, 'Able to achieve targets on tight budget,' as one of my strengths. But then again, why would I want to work for another low-cost company again, huh? *rub my chin as if I have janggut like my hubby*

If When I quit, I will go market myself to some rich company, then no need to bang my head on the table every time my proposal came back, un-signed, and with a note to 'try slash the cost by another 20%' as if the price comparison on the memo done nicely in a table for quick reference does not prove that I have spent enough time sourcing for the BEST price.

Hahahaha! Now feel so enthusiastic to change my cover letter again! :p

Commercial break: Hubby rolls over on the sofa, mumbles something in his sleep, looks really adorable, I'm tempted to do something get Gillette razors and shave all his janggut. Muahaha. Muahahaha! But he will kill me for once when he wakes up. His janggut matters more than me apparently. *me look daggers at bidadari who are hanging on his janggut and returning smug looks at me. Grrr!*

Oh, now 1.30am in the morning. Should get off now and wake hubby to sleep in the bedroom. Poor hubby. I insisted that we should ride the bike with flat tyre behind from Midvalley to Brickfield because I don't want to pay RM20 just to change the tube when I can get the synthetic motor oil and a changed tube for that price. I'm so stingy with money. I don't earn as much as my friend who is driving a BMW in UK to just throw it away like that, ok! Hubby says, 'Macam main ice-skating tau bawak motor tayar pancit!' I'm sure it's not that bad because I was riding pillion and I haven't lose my weight yet (still fat ol' me) and became the stabiliser so it should be easy to ride the bike that far. My two cents anyway :p

Now, everyone can go to bed *everyone sigh with relief and go to bed*

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Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Letter to My Child: Khayla

Dear Khayla,

3 months ago, at 8am, I was fighting with my own tears of fear. Fear of being under the knife, fear for your life. At 9.20am, I was already in tears - from the sound of your first cry. If I could unwind time, capture that euphoric feeling and bottle it up, I would. Imagine that, a bottle of memory. A memory of your birth. A memory of how life is going to be so much better now.

The fact that KLCC stands majestically tall behind added to my anxiety before birth because they remind me of my unfinished job @ office

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Wednesday, September 29, 2004

A lesson On Being Happy

"Of memories, of truth, of laughter, of tears, of happiness,
and love, and God. So be it"

I want nothing else better than to be accepted as I am. A girl with her own mind, her own personality, her own strengths, and her own weaknesses.

As a child, I lurked under the shadow of my sister. She was my first idol, and I tried desperately to be like her in every way. When she started school, I couldn't wait to go to school as well, to the extent that when she came back from school, I would grabbed her books and read them.

But when I started school myself, I was first stung with envy that changed me forever. School taught me such things as comparison. I was constantly compared with her until I no longer wanted to imitate my sister, but to break away, and be my own self.

I moulded my own personality. I wanted to be different in every ways so nobody could say who is better than who. Whereas my sister is everything a girl ought to be, I was the totally opposite. I liked blue when my sister prefered pink, I played catch when my sister played 'batu seremban' and until now, I never learnt to play the game properly, or to play 'tali' either. It was more fun running around with the boys and some other girls than to sit demurely in a group, throwing pebbles in the air.

There was a time when a History teacher, despaired at the lack of interest shown by me in the subject, sarcastically belittled me and showered praises at my sister. It was true that I played truant every time we had History and Geography, but she needn't have to drag my sister's name in the issue.

I showed rebel by never showing up for her class anymore until she predicted that I would fail History in Form 3. Somehow, I proved her wrong and went on to pass both Geography and History with flying colors. She couldn't understand that. And she couldn't understand the psychology of a child, of how it hurt to be compared to your dearest sibling.

I couldn't forget that incident. I grew up to be a strong-minded person, with a take-it-or-leave-it attitude. You either take me as I am, or never know me at all. Any attempts to change me will only reinforce the defensive feeling that I have.

I want people to understand that although I can eventually be bended to other people's will, I couldn't feel happy myself. My company tries to make me an obedient employee, who adheres to ridiculous rules and regulations, tries to control communication flow when I am in nature a person who speaks my mind, and tries to turn me into a somebody that I'm not. That's why I hate my work right now.

People try to tell me how I should act, how I should dress, how I should speak, until eventually I get suffocated and walk off never to be near them again. Even if I still have to come back to them, I wouldn't be happy again.

I know they do this because they love me, because they think it's for the best of me, or some even went to the extent to tell me, because they want me to be that way, but I have only this to say.

I've been like this, and I'm happy as I am. Why change me, and make me unhappy? Is it worth it to have me modeled according to their expectations, but in the mean time, to lose my affection along the way? Or do they prefer that I put up a pretense in front of them all the time? To act like this, to show myself in a mask, to pretend to be someone who I'm not?

Why not in the first place, find a genuine person who can act genuinely as they wish it to be?

All these questions without answers. Someone, please, tell them to stop.

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Thursday, April 12, 2007

Happy Birthday, Suami Terchenta

Dearest Suami Terchenta,

Today I woke up to a special day. Although yesterday was like any other day, except for the time I was 'merajuk' for 10 minutes after you spitted that chocolate bean I tried to force-feed you while you were driving just because I played a trick on you when I held on to the chocolate from your wide, open mouth. I'm sorry I did that, but it seriously made me roar in laughter to see your outrageous expression after you realised what I had done. Then we made up and spent the night watching CSI - with your chest as my pillow and you sleeping as usual.


What makes today a special day is that it is your 28th birthday. 28 years + 9 months 10 days of living on God's earth. I'm so proud of you, suami terchenta. In that 28 years of life, you have been in a relationship only once - and that is with me. That is just to name a few more about you that makes me want to cry in joy and happiness at marrying you.

Coincidentally, today marks 120 days of our marriage (yes, exactly!) and you have never snored, not even once. Throughout our 4 months of being together, I conclude that living with a messy person is not such a bad thing after all, although at an earlier stage, I experienced a bout of moodiness due to my stress at the sight of your clothes / papers / wires / mugs / Godknowswhatelse lying on the floor everywhere. Nowadays, I live with it. I even support you by contributing to the mess. M-E-S-S is ok as long as we don't breed maggots and cockroaches and other creepy-crawlies. However, I would appreciate it much better if you do vacuum the carpet at least every 2 weeks so we can be reminded that our carpet is green in colour.

You are such a wonderful person, you. When you are not busy in front of your laptop or sleeping in front of tv, you help me in the kitchen or throw away rubbish or do the laundry. The only task you hate is ironing your clothes which I don't mind doing because I am in love with the purple iron. If you had bought any other colour, I wouldn't be doing so much ironing too. Thank God for the purple iron.

I also discovered that after we got married, you tend to forgot a few things you promised to do before we signed the marriage certificate. Like singing to me before I sleep. But it's ok because you made it up with other things, like paying the bills and the house rent. Haha, I kid, I kid. You sing when I am fully awake, changing the lyrics as you like to show your devotion to me. I especially like your version of Sheila On 7 song, 'Ku petik bintang...' because yours sound better. After all, this is the first time you sing out loud much to my credit because I sing as and when I feel like singing and you caught my singing bug after we live together.

My dear Suami Terchenta,

As we settled into our married life, we seem to be more in sync with each others' thoughts. When I am thinking of watching a movie, you already booked the tickets. When you feel hungry, I already ordered what you want to eat because I feel like eating that too. Of course you don't know that when you are already asleep, I plug into your brain and upload my life program inside it so you think and feel like me. It's like the Briefcase application in Windows, only so much better. Tonight, when you sleep, I will upload Langkawi_Holiday.exe into your brain, hubby dearest. You are going to love it.

Talking about holiday, as my birthday treat to you, I am whisking you away to another city and we are going to stay at a four-star hotel. Instead of jumping up in joy and clapping your hands enthusiastically, you frown and tell me, 'Duit minyak! Duit tol! Duit makan! Blabla...' even though I told you that it's a birthday treat i.e. I will pay for everything. Perhaps this is one folder in your brain I should hide for a while, the Financial_Situation folder.

I am more to the kind of person who wake up and think I want to go to Africa, and I pack up and go. Where else you will make a more rational decision. In one way, it is good to have someone to keep the reality checks. But this is the time where we want to be and to go and to do whatever crosses our minds before our biology clock starts ticking! Once we have kids, we'll think a trillion times about going bungee-jumping because if we smash our heads, who will take care of them? In conclusion, let's go bungee-jumping, sweety-pie.

But that is not the only present you get this year. I am glad you like that new laptop backpack I gave you. When you come and fetch me later, I will surprise you with a fruit cheese cake I baked in the office today (haha!) And tonight, I am thinking of preparing nasi ayam that you love.

I want you to know that I love being married to you and I love teasing you and I love looking at your gobsmackingly handsome face and I love laughing at your jokes and making you laugh. I love falling asleep in your arms and waking up to your voice and hugs. I love loving you, Suami Terchenta. Happy Birthday.

Love,

Wife Terchenta.

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Sunday, December 23, 2012

The Pre-Birth Story - Khadeeja

Hahaha. I'm a lazy momma. Been a week since I gave birth to my beautiful second daughter and I only posted her announcement. Eh, what to do la, being a mom to a newborn is not free-and-easy. Nowadays, pantang also sendiri jaga, my Mom only helps out with the kids. Fair enough la, it's not like she's the one getting me pregnant *jeling at hubby*

Anywaayyyysss...

This is the birth story of Khadeeja Binti Junaidi, beloved daughter of yours truly and Encik Junaidix.

My last day at work was on 7 December 2012. I remembered feeling so relieved that I could finally look forward to a week-long break while waiting for my baby to pop out, either through induced or natural labor. Having GDM sucks, because my obgyn flatly refused to let me carry my baby till Week 40. But I was still hopeful that by going for long walks (albeit in shopping mall and year end sales) and daily swims, I could stand a chance of triggering my own labor, just like all my friends recommended. Besides, I was hoping that this baby will be born on the same day of our wedding anniversary and her big sister's birthday - 15 December. It was what I told her every night, to hold on and only make appearance on that day. Haha. HAHAHA. Next time, be careful when you make a wish huh.

10 December 2012 (Monday) - No such luck. Went for my weekly check up and was horrified to be told that I have to be admitted by that night so that I could be induced the next morning. Reason? My baby seemed to not gain any weight - 2 weeks ago, she was 2.62kg, and this week, she was 2.66kg. My obgyn said it could be due to placenta insufficiency. No amount of persuasion and tears could change her mind (some more go and scare me by telling me that if I delayed further, there's a risk of baby starving inside).

11 December 2012 (Tuesday) - Early morning, I was given a dose of prostaglandin, the tablet which was inserted through my vajayjay to ripen my cervix and start my labour. Then I waited. And waited. Around 10, I felt strong pressure on my tummy and... went to the toilet. Was disappointed that it was not labour yet. At 4pm, started to feel contractions (it was like menstrual cramp at this point of time) and I got really excited. OMG, I'm going to deliver my baby and it's going to be a normal birth! Kept my friends and family posted via FB (what to do, I've got to do something to distract myself from the discomforts!). As the night progressed, so did my contractions and by midnight, the discomfort turned into pain (felt like being slowly drilled down there). Nurses kept checking in on me and asking whether I would like to have something to relief the pain (but at this stage, I could still bear the pain and politely rejected their offer). Had to go through another vaginal exam (VE) to see how dilated I was but was hugely disappointed when told that I had not even opened to 1cm. In total, I had to endure 3 VEs in one day. Tough luck.

12 December 2012 (Wednesday) - Second tablet given as the first tablet was insufficient to start labour. Another VE (I was sick to the back of my teeth already having my vajayjay poked each time!). The thing about VE is it is only a minor annoyance if it was done by a gentle midwife, but it could be worse than the contraction itself if done by a midwife who had poked too many vajayjays to care about the patient's feeling by then. Eh, I'm not exactly expecting any foreplays before having my vajayjay poked but a little TLC could help to alleviate the stress!

So, anyway. Renewed my hope that perhaps I would deliver my baby on this beautiful date (12.12.12).  By afternoon, my contraction pains are becoming harder to ignore and at the same time, I was doing my best to follow advice by the nurses i.e. to walk around and see whether it could help to open up my cervix. Hubby tried to help by giving me back massage, foot massage and we even studiously pored over the 'Beautiful Birth' book to look at the various positions and touch points that could help baby to descend. It is worse than taking final exam, we even have to study for it!

I wanted to go for a walk outside of the room but the midwife on duty did not allow me to leave my room because she was scared that my waters would suddenly break (which is soooo not happening!). Secretly, in my agonised state, I thought she just did not want me to scare other pregnant ladies with my groans and moans whenever the contractions hit me. So back in my room I went, pacing up and down.

By 3pm, I was begging my baby to 'pleaseeee... be good and go downnnnnn...' My hubby had given up on giving me weird looks every time I stopped in my tracks and muttered to myself. I even tried visualising my baby going down the birth canal every time the pain hit me. It was not easy to relax my pelvic floor when the pain built up and hit me full-blown. At times I thought I got it, but most of the time, I ended up clenching up as tight as a clammed-up shell.

My obgyn came again to check on me, did another VE, and regretfully informed me that I was not even dilated to 2cm. Excuse me??! I thought I had been making some progress forcing myself to pace, squat and lean over to help my baby descend, not to mention all those coaxing and visualisation. I wanted to cry already but was too exhausted. By 8pm, I was in so much pain that I wanted to just be angry at anyone - at my hubby who apologetically had to leave for his class (wth? I'm in pain and all you care about is missing a class??! Where's the 'we're in this together' spirit?), at my mom who kept praising God every time I was hit by the strong contraction pains (I know she meant well, but a little empathy please? Saying 'thank you for the pain' by someone who did not suffer the pain, did not sound good to someone who actually felt the pain!) and even at my daughter Khayla for making too much noises. But I felt most anger at my obgyn who convinced me that I need to be induced immediately and it was already the second day, where's the urgency that you kept telling me???

Ok, I was not rational at that time. Pardon me for being racked by the most painful pain that makes most women leave their sanity temporarily.

And so, 12.12.12 came and went, and still no baby. I was beginning to think that the baby is not going to come out anytime soon. I was not ready, she was not ready.

13 December 2012 (Thursday) - Obgyn came to check on me first thing in the morning. She's not a morning person, I guess. After two nights in a row of being in pain, I was exhausted, stressed and not able to think much. When she told me that I could try for a third cycle of prostaglandin and risk uterine rupture and / or another failed induced labor and ended up having to go for C-sec, or I could be rational and just go for C-sec considering that the previous two full dosage of prostaglandin did not even succeed in making my cervix budge open - I mean, my cervix remains fast shut and baby remains well, inside. Or, I could go find another doctor.

At this grim reality, I wanted to break down and cry. I had endured contraction pains for more than 48 hours, and to be told that I could not have a normal labour was a bit too much for me. The only cheerful news was that my baby did not seem to be stressed by all the stress that I had to endure, her fetal heartbeats seemed to be normal.

Only after talking out to some people and also the midwife on duty (who is such a nice motherly lady who after sharing her insights and previous cases she handled, also told us to go for a walk at KLCC to release our tension of the non-progressive labour), we finally decided that we did not want to continue with normal labour seeing that the possibility of it being successful was reduced to just 30% or less.

Before we went out, we met the obgyn again to tell her our decision and then asked whether we could choose to deliver the baby on 15th instead of tomorrow? She immediately called the OT to check on OT room's availability on that date, and we were relieved to hear that OT room IS available at 7.30am on 15 December 2012. The date I told my baby to make her debut appearance and the date I had been dreaming to give birth to my second child.

Spent the rest of the day happily buying birthday gift for my Khayla, watching movie (Twilight Saga) and dining at KLCC. Still felt contractions now and then but was in a much better mind frame.

14 December 2012 (Friday) - still felt hopeful that I could suddenly go into labour. But began to look forward to celebrate my second daughter's birthday on 15 December 2012, along with my wedding anniversary and firstborn's birthday. Oh, and birth did not happen on this date.

15 December 2012 (Saturday) - D-Day. Will continue this in another post ^_^ Hehe.

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